"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...

... it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness". It HAD BEEN the autumn of hope ... but now it was the spring of despair.

The English Premier League
Sunday 12th May, 2019, 3:00 pm kick-off - Craven Cottage
Fulham vs. Newcastle United
Referee: Kevin Friend
Attendance: 24,979

In fact, it had probably been "the age of (Norman) Wisdom", for those old enough to remember one of Marylebone's finest physical comedians. What better way to end the English Premier League season than in style, down on the river in The Chairman's Club, with a full-house attendance at Craven Cottage, watching some physical comedy of our own? In hindsight, watching paint or cement drying might have been more entertaining, but that's hardly the point ... is it? Many sincere thanks go to old buddies John Pritchard and Graham ("Plumber to the Stars") Morrissey, for their generous contribution towards getting two generations of the Harney family off the streets, at least for an afternoon. Great to sit near the half-way line with my (not much) older brother, Kevin. It was he, after all, who had started me on my roller-coaster Fulham ride, nearly 43 years ago. And now I would be watching them be formally relegated ... yet again.

Child's play? It's back to nursery school for Fulham's suck-a-thumb stars.

"IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRY, TRY AGAIN". It's a phrase most of us probably first heard at school. And when it comes to managerial appointments, it's advice that's been keenly adopted by Fulham FC's board, this year. First utterance of the phrase is ascribed to Robert the Bruce, king of Scotland, supposedly inspired by the dogged determination of a spider, constantly rebuilding its web, in the Bruce's cave hide-out. He is meant to have used this catchy, home-spun spider analogy to motivate his army, ahead of their narrow victory over the English at Bannockburn, in 1314. Just like Mel Gibson's famous Scottish Referendum documentary, "Braveheart", the ascription of this phrase to The Bruce is, no doubt, 100% sound and historically accurate.

Its first written usage, however, has been more authoritatively traced to the 'Teacher's Manual', written by American educator Thomas H. Palmer - and to the novel for younger readers 'The Children of the New Forest', by Frederick Maryat (the latter lived and was schooled in Enfield for a while, y'know - as was John Keats). An updated version of its central idea was later popularised by US military leader Colin Powell: "There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work and learning from failure." ("The Leadership Secrets of Colin Powell", 2003 by Oren Harari - although I'm not sure just how much of a Leadership "Secret" that little gem was, tbh).

Why should we care about all this? Because if the central principle of these adages is true, then Fulham FC should emerge back up through the EPL's trapdoor with no trouble at all, in very short order, even stronger than ever ... given the vast amount of failure they have delivered recently - and given all of the learnings that surely must, therefore, have been gained by one and all. An associated adage (this one ascribed to Quentin Crisp, c.1968) is, however, that "If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style." Fulham fans the world over (both of them) will surely be hoping that this is NOT the case.

How can one reflect meaningfully on such an unrewarding season as Fulham have just experienced? You certainly have no time to lick your self-inflicted wounds. In the crazy, money-go-round world of contemporary professional football, you must rebuild and be ready for pre-season training in just a few short weeks' time. You could also do worse than simply following the advice of  Jerome Kern and Dorothy Fields, from 1936:

"Will you remember the famous men

Who had to fall to rise again?

So take a deep breath,

Pick yourself up,

Dust yourself off,

Start all over again.

I'll get some self assurance

If your endurance is great.

I'll learn by easy stages,

If you're courageous..."

We will all learn the truth - and soon enough! Meanwhile, in this article The Telegraph gave some thought and time recently to the status and ambitions of the EPL's purgatorial/'yo-yo' clubs. "... there are Fulham fans who may feel some degree of relief that they have been put out of their misery. The Cottagers were the great entertainers of last season’s Championship, but there is no room for fun at the bottom end of the PL".

"Hello, my name's Calum": a group of complete strangers introduce themselves to each other, ahead of the day's on-pitch action.

There's a pet theory for pretty much every single person who cares to offer an opinion on their club's current malaise, and why should I prove any different? I blame poor boardroom management. A lot of the Premier League 'windfall' money was spent enthusiastically, expensively assembling a new squad of untested players without first giving established players a meaningful chance at proving their own capabilities in the top flight. Given that they'd been good enough to gain promotion, frankly, how much worse could those twelve good men and true have fared than their replacements? Anyone reviewing the team sheet below against the list of those on show in the Wembley play-off final, will find only 3 starters in common, with a 4th from that earlier sunny day warming the subs bench (US international and Bolton Wanderers escapee, Tim Ream) - and signally failing to get off it.

What seems most likely to succeed next term, IMHO, is a re-familiarisation with the previous season's three-man midfield. A triumvirate which took the club on an unexpected (and, indeed, unprecedented) club-record 23-game unbeaten run, in the second tier. They say that what's needed to escape the Championship, is players with Championship experience. So, presumably, we need look no further, then. The guys who were in large part responsible for that success (along with January loan signing Mitrovic and the teenaged Sessegnon) were Tom Cairney, Kevin McDonald and Stefan Johansen. Not only are all three still 'on the books' at the club, but Captain Cairney has just penned a 5-year extension to his contract. He is the man around whom next season's Championship title challenge will surely be built - by newly appointed permanent Head Coach, Scott Parker.

To be fair to the many nay-sayers, Cairney has been only a shadow of his former self, this season, in part through injury. While we've seen precious little of the other two. Edged out of the side by highly-paid and widely-trumpeted, supposed "marquee" signings, who, broadly speaking, simply failed to 'turn up'. Surplus to requirements, Johansen has been out on loan at West Brom since January, after making just 12 league appearances for the whites. In a case of that bizarre, mirror-imaging which football so often provides, Johansen has recently been in the midst of his loan club's efforts to make it back into the Premier League. Their route back ended after extra-time and penalties, in their play-off game second leg against Aston Villa. That's the same opponent whom Johansen helped Fulham to edge past in last season's Championship Wembley play-off final, remember. This year, success for him would have meant painfully(?) replacing his 'parent' club in the top flight. Although it seems, ultimately, his heart wasn't quite in that particular fight. Meanwhile, Kevin McDonald has managed only a cameo role of 13 appearances - with no option for a loan spell of his own. All three are internationals, with Premier League AND Championship experience and should start next season's challenge relatively 'fresh'. None of them was too much fancied, after the influx of what SHOULD have been £100mn plus of top-class, pure pedigree, footballing talent. Hmmmmmm ...

In its review of the EPL year (tellingly entitled "flops of the season") The Guardian called out one of those over-priced Cottage summer signings, Jean-Michael Seri, for particular opprobrium: "Fulham must feel short-changed".

Fulham players prepare to sign off in style from the Premier League, with a final day goal-fest. That aim probably didn't work out quite as they'd intended. They're shown practising their devastating scoring techniques in front of the famous "Johnny Haynes" Stevenage Road stand and The Cottage, in end-of-season sunshine. There was even a touch of floodlight 'porn', for those who like such things. That was about as good as it got, for non-Geordies.

Well let's at last get on with talk about this final (for the next 15 months, at least) EPL match-day, shall we? After all the usual, choreographed, pre-match paraphernalia, hype and nonsense - the portentous music, flag-waving, loud team selection announcements, etc. - at "Fortress Fulham", our entire season was very quickly summarised and paraphrased in the first meaningful attack of this game, against what was a fairly ordinary-looking "Toon" side, and by its first shot on target. My own season of following The Cottagers was summed up by my developing a massive blister on my left foot, resulting from the long walk along the river, from Hammersmith tube station. It was surely a sign from the gods, or the Bow Bells: "Turn again, Harn-ington! ..."

As the BBC's "Match of the Day" commentator, Mark Scott, rightly observed: "... No-one's picking up Jonjo Shelvey." Initially invisible to all of the men in white, apparently, Mawson did pick him up eventually. He covered all of 12 yards to do so, but only AFTER the Newcastle man had received the ball deep, unmarked at a corner, taken a controlling touch, advanced into the apex of Fulham's penalty area and unleashed a dipping, driven volley - over and wide of the flailing home 'keeper, Rico. Typically "Fulham-ish", it was the first goal Shelvey had scored in over a year - but it was far from being the first one Fulham had conceded in that time. It was further proof, if any were still needed, that the personnel in this Fulham side and effective zonal marking do NOT mix well. I hope Scotty was taking copious notes.

Scott Parker (bottom right) belatedly tries to squeeze out of frame, as Fulham fruitlessly take the early initiative, against their guests.

Summer signing Rico was at fault for the second goal (it followed just 90 seconds later) if not entirely for the first. He spilled the rebound from a routine low save onto a veritable plate and into the path of Pérez, for a far easier finish than the first. The score was 0-2 within the first 12 minutes, and there was to be no way back for Fulham, or their embattled (and embittered?) fans. 

"Local Hero" ... no, the one on the left.

You can read a match report here. After all, there's little point in my re-writing all the rest of the gory details. What I will tell you, though, is that I mis-spent the half-time break talking bubble perms, club goal-scoring records and some of the defects of these current manifestations of Fulham Football Club and its playing squad, with a former man-in-white who's 'in the know' - Gordon "Ivor" Davies (see above and below). Not only did Gordon insist on having his photo taken with his new favourite Walking Footballer, he even made a point of signing his page in my programme (see below). How we could have done with a few of his 159 league and cup club goals in this match. FIVE of them, to be precise. Final score: Fulham 0 - 4 Newcastle United ... ouch - but at least the early summer sun was shining down gloriously on London's oldest professional football club!

With "very best wishes" from me to you, too; even if it has mostly tended to seem like "the worst of times", recently, in SW6. Your Fabulous Football Pharaoh is finally signing off until next season. Or, perhaps, at least until I can summon the energy to bring you some close-season thoughts on other recent games my regal, omnipotent and immortal entourage has attended, at Craven Cottage and Donkey Lane.

"Till I die" might be a bit extreme, but this 2-minute video of Fulham Folklore, featuring another fairly famous Welshman (Keith Allen) should be worth a look, for true fans of The Beautiful Game. ⚽