Tuesday 18th October, 2016 - The English Football League Championship
Let me begin this week's walk around The Pyramid with a public information announcement; and some great news from Pharaoh
Central. This week I've slipped "Over the Border" and arrived on Essex's unsuspecting airwaves for the first time. Yes, the Football Pharaoh has
gone multi-media, at last; and you can hear Des's Dulcet DroneTM at 8pm UK time on Thursdays, via the "Bryn & Bill Football Radio Show" at: www.colneradio.com. Or, if you just can't wait, alternatively you can catch up with Episode 6 now, via Mix Cloud: https://www.mixcloud.com/brynandbill/new-episode-06-bryn-bill-football-radio-show-with-charlie-adam-des-morecambe-plymouth/
After that brief 'plug', let's now get onto the serious business ...
A Biased View from the Neutral(?) Zone
“Neutral” is a strange word to associate
with soccer. Is there truly any such thing as neutral in the world of Real
Football? There is one small area of West London, at least, that likes to
pretend that there really is. To be more precise, it's in the Putney End of Fulham's ground, near what is known as Cottage Corner, alongside the iconic pavilion (constructed in 1905).
Cottage Corner: who gives an "F..."? (Photo: FFC website)
It was from Fulham's so-called "Neutral" area that I would be watching Tuesday night’s game, given that I would be accompanied by a couple of friends, who are staunch Norwich fans – and, of course, die-hard turkey-loving caricatures. In truth, it is more of a “mixed” area than a neutral one. Featuring, as it does: Home and Away: men and women; adults and children; fans of The 'Bootiful' Game ... and random passers-by, apparently.
Real football fans can be relied upon for one sure thing, at least: and
that is the heartfelt projection of biased views of their own team’s
exploits. Why should I, or this match, prove any different, regardless of where I sat? I met up with
former Guinness work colleague and Canary, Mike; and his partner in crime Giles, who share between them a pair of Norwich season tickets. Both now live in the South-East. My sports fan son, Callum, made up
our foursome for this mid-week match-up. Given Fulham's current place, 2nd from bottom of the Divisional Home Form table, Craven Cottage is in danger of becoming better known as the Theatre of Screams; The Stadium of
Fright ... or something worse. There were sure to be widely differing opinions on this game, from the
opposite sides of the conflict; but you will only hear one side on THIS blog page.
Johnny Haynes's statue; and The Football League's oldest stand.
An added frisson of rivalry might have been thought to be in play, given Norwich’s notorious record of no wins in 30 years, at SW6’s favourite sports venue. Bogey teams (in German, “Angstgegner {m}”) are a source of constant fascination for sports fans. As they are also for sports media editors with a tight deadline - and a content crisis. Pretty much everybody plumbs these lazily explored depths from time to time, as you can see from the following list. So why, again, should I be any different?
An added frisson of rivalry might have been thought to be in play, given Norwich’s notorious record of no wins in 30 years, at SW6’s favourite sports venue. Bogey teams (in German, “Angstgegner {m}”) are a source of constant fascination for sports fans. As they are also for sports media editors with a tight deadline - and a content crisis. Pretty much everybody plumbs these lazily explored depths from time to time, as you can see from the following list. So why, again, should I be any different?
http://www.simplesoccerstats.com/blog/2013/10/17/hit-or-myth-does-the-bogey-team-exist-betting-school-article/
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/picturegalleries/11267202/Premier-League-clubs-bogey-teams-as-Spurs-prepare-for-their-nemeses.html
http://www.fourfourtwo.com/features/revealed-your-premier-league-clubs-bogey-team
http://www.skysports.com/football/news/11661/10002861/premier-league-whos-your-clubs-bogey-team
Canaries - or Turkeys?
Meanwhile, back in the real world, and according to the Cambridge Dictionary, a bogey is “something that causes fear among a lot of people, often without reason”. The same reference site, however, also goes on to describe bogey as “a piece of dried mucus from inside the nose” – suggesting they may not be the most authoritative source on this biggest of sporting questions, after all. Given that Norwich haven’t won at Craven Cottage since 1986 - despite having made very many valiant attempts to do so - wasn’t it just possible that Fulham FC could actually be the real deal? … The genuine, bogey article in the psyche (and the nostrils) of Norwich City? Literally? Mike, incidentally, claims to have been there, on the happy highway of that blue-remembered day in ‘86 and sees it shining plain; as well as having searched on many others occasions since then, for “the land of lost content”; in fact some might suggest, perhaps a little unkindly, that he wears the search like a strange badge of inverted Norfolk honour.At the start of the evening, Norwich City’s Cameron Jerome featured in the Championship’s top 10 scorers; while Fulham could boast nobody in the top 20, despite an average of 2.5 goals per fixture at Craven Cottage … two-thirds of which, unfortunately, had been scored by visiting sides. Indeed, The Cottagers’ on-loan Centre Forward, Chris Martin (himself a former Canary – and no, I don't mean Coldplay’s gurning front-man) could lay claim to only one league goal all season, after almost a dozen starts for Fulham and Derby County (his ‘parent’ club) combined. Norwich, meanwhile, had averaged 1.5 goals per game on the road, this term. Much as I might have liked it to be otherwise, then, a thumping home win and a headline like “Former Canary Haunts Travelling Yellows” remained a distant prospect. Although, then again, Norwich have been decidedly poor at keeping clean sheets this season; managing just two in their first 12 games – and none at all “On The Road”, Jack Kerouac-stylie. On balance, the jury was still out as to whether this would be the perfect opportunity for Norwich to secure their first win at The Cottage in thirty years.
No, not THAT Chris Martin ... this one
My meanderings might have left readers wondering
which would be the most likely theme to arise from the football fixture
currently in hand: Life; Death or Renewal? There were contrasting headlines for
each of the night’s adversaries on the BBC Sports webpages, which seemed to
miss most of the relevant footballing issues altogether. Pre-match coverage of
Fulham focused on their latest away win, at the weekend, 2 - 4 at Barnsley’s
Oakwell stadium; but there has so far been little connection between Fulham’s
home and away form, this season. Whereas Norwich coverage centred on the more serious matter of TV chef
Delia’s backing for an appeal to
find missing RAF Honington serviceman, Corrie McKeague – who had last been seen
in Bury St Edmunds. As I write, the RAF man has not been seen for more than three weeks. It is very much to be hoped that Life will not deal out the Death card, yet again.
"Where are you?" - Delia Smith, supporting the appeal to find missing RAF serviceman Corrie Mckeague. She's 75, you know.
Without wishing to trivialise Mr. McKeague’s mysterious disappearance in any way, it prompted lighter-hearted considerations of who else might ‘go missing’ decisively, in the night’s big game. Other less controversial questions also being posed before kick-off included:
a)
Would historical performance be any guide to either clubs' match-day form?
b)
Could Fulham maintain Norwich’s three decade Craven Cottage hoodoo?
c)
Or would Norwich exploit Fulham’s home-sickness to finally break that
30-year spell?
d)
How much would Norwich miss the absent Jonny Howson?
e)
Could Chris Martin double his season’s goal tally, against his former
employers?
The gladiators emerge from The Cottage; let battle commence.
Even as the usual late arrivals continued to take their seats, two early, threatening Norwich headers, both from corners, could and should have been capitalised upon. One, from ‘skipper’ Russell Martin (no relation to Fulham’s former Canary) was glanced all the way across goal from the near post, after a Robbie Brady corner on Norwich’s right. The other (also from a Robbie Brady corner, on Norwich’s right) was flicked on neatly by Russell Martin for the arriving Timm Klose who really should have got his firm effort, errrm … Kloser to the target. In between these missed headers, a Fulham break forced McGovern to get down low to his right in the visitors’ goal, to keep out an on-target effort across goal from Sone Aluko, after making a determined run from Fulham’s centre-right. Fulham deployed a pressing game from the start; resulting in some rushed play from both sides. Finesse was at a premium
Murphy earns a "10" from the Russian judge, for his artistic interpretation;
And then, almost before you could even say “Marvel
Comics”, there was the afore-mentioned Mr. Linington once again, popping up in
the area to gleefully award Norwich a 41st minute penalty (yes, another one – and
even ‘softer’ than the first). Poor, put-upon little Scott Malone was found to have
been at fault yet again as, under
minimal pressure, the 8-foot tall Jerome crumpled and fell gracelessly to Earth,
like a Mars satellite whose parachute has been prematurely jettisoned.
Jerome Schiaparelli Mars probe jettisons parachute too early; earns penalty. (Photo: BBC)
Perhaps Malone had forgotten to send this ref a Christmas card last year? If so, he was certainly regretting that gaffe now. Linington did not make the same mistake in return; showing the defender a nice yellow (early Xmas) card. Ho, ho, ho! Scott Parker also talked himself into the referee’s book with his captainly protests at Linington’s ineptitude.
Dorrans’s eventual second spot-kick was better than his first; just beating Button, low near his left-hand post, after the guardian had, this time, gone the right way. Brady & Hoolahan were both clearly in the penalty area, ready for any potential rebound or follow up, long before the kick was taken - of course! Well, if the ref’s not going to penalise you for it, you’d be crazy not to get in there, wouldn’t you? Malone must have been wishing he'd been the one who'd ‘gone missing’, instead of conceding these two pesky penalties.
Penalty, two / too?
There was still a chance for some belated ref redemption, though, before half-time; as, late on, Chris Martin surged onto an excellent low cross from the left by the unhappy Malone. Fulham’s Centre Forward was duly taken out by McGovern, inside his 6-yard box, as the ball trickled agonisingly wide, off the outside of the post. Home fans howled and eagerly awaited the third penalty of the half … only to see Mr. Linington resolutely indicating a goal-kick, instead. And he wasn’t even joking. Clearly he’d remembered that he had already reached his normal two-penalty limit. We reached the end of the first half with Fulham’s fans quieter even than usual. The wind coming in keenly off the river had been knocked from their proverbial sails; and it seemed as though most of those important pre-match questions had already been answered. It was time for both sides to re-group and assess their first 45 minutes of action and endeavour. The 0 - 2 score-line seemed to flatter Norwich. Neither side had really dominated; and it was only the plumber-referee's dodgy decisions that separated the two teams. Mike and Giles reminded us all, helpfully and somewhat nervously, that Norwich were unlikely to maintain a clean sheet; although this seemed mostly like false modesty and good manners, on their part.
Perhaps Malone had forgotten to send this ref a Christmas card last year? If so, he was certainly regretting that gaffe now. Linington did not make the same mistake in return; showing the defender a nice yellow (early Xmas) card. Ho, ho, ho! Scott Parker also talked himself into the referee’s book with his captainly protests at Linington’s ineptitude.
Parker reminds Linington who's the boss. (Photo: FFC website)
There was still a chance for some belated ref redemption, though, before half-time; as, late on, Chris Martin surged onto an excellent low cross from the left by the unhappy Malone. Fulham’s Centre Forward was duly taken out by McGovern, inside his 6-yard box, as the ball trickled agonisingly wide, off the outside of the post. Home fans howled and eagerly awaited the third penalty of the half … only to see Mr. Linington resolutely indicating a goal-kick, instead. And he wasn’t even joking. Clearly he’d remembered that he had already reached his normal two-penalty limit. We reached the end of the first half with Fulham’s fans quieter even than usual. The wind coming in keenly off the river had been knocked from their proverbial sails; and it seemed as though most of those important pre-match questions had already been answered. It was time for both sides to re-group and assess their first 45 minutes of action and endeavour. The 0 - 2 score-line seemed to flatter Norwich. Neither side had really dominated; and it was only the plumber-referee's dodgy decisions that separated the two teams. Mike and Giles reminded us all, helpfully and somewhat nervously, that Norwich were unlikely to maintain a clean sheet; although this seemed mostly like false modesty and good manners, on their part.
Half-time "Silly Games". Janet Kay sang about them, in 1979.
The break saw Giles go optimistically, but unfruitfully, in search of refreshments; returning empty-handed from the unfeasibly long
queues behind the Putney End stand. It also witnessed The Curious Incident of
the Badger in the Night. Fulham’s mascot Billy the Badger, that is. Somewhat surreally,
Billy held court on the half-way line during the break, as one fan from each
club competed for a £1,000 cash prize by taking in part in what (during my more
hedonistic student days) would historically have been referred to as “the
stumps game”. Each fan in turn had to bend over, place their heads on a
football and then spin around the ball fast, several times, without taking
their head off the ball. This manoeuvre was to be followed by a slaloming run
and dribble between a number of training cones, culminating in taking a shot at
an empty practice goal-net. Those not familiar with this type of game may not
fully appreciate that the repeated spinning action is designed to entirely
disorientate the player, making them slalom even more than they had planned, often
at right-angles to their chosen path, before falling over in a dizzy heap and
being mocked by a restless, hungry and thirsty crowd of c. 17,000. Amazingly, however,
one of the competitors completed the activity successfully and scored a goal,
to claim the cash prize. Which of the two clubs was the fan representing; and
was the prize awarded for a noble charity of their choosing? Nobody present can,
surely, even begin to remember. The 17,000 of us were all just too agape at the
antics of the participants, the compere and the be-suited Badger-man. No words
can adequately describe and do justice to the scene. One can only begin to imagine
what manner of carnage might otherwise have ensued, had the competitors each
also been required to first ‘down’ the normally mandatory (in my world, at
least) pint of ‘snake-bite’. Heaven only knows what Mr. Linington might have made
of that. There probably wouldn’t have been enough cards and penalties to cope
with it!
Silly Billy! Exit stage right, pursued by a badger.
As that mass hallucination cleared from our collective minds, just three minutes of the second half were enough for Fulham coach Slaviša Jokanović to recover from his own torpor and decide that he needed to implement the first player swap of the game. Why do coaches invariably wait those all-important additional three or four minutes, before making a change? Do you know? On came the returning Ryan Fredericks, at Right Back, in a straight swap for the largely ineffective Denis Odoi. There was little reason to suppose that this simple substitution would turn out to be a move of pure genius, nor that it would deliver any significant change in the overall pattern of the game; but we were, in fact, about to witness that oft-cited phenomenon, “A Game of Two Clichés”, as the pendulum of pressure and possession began to swing slowly and inexorably in Fulham’s favour. Finally, the home side started to locate their “A” game.
Silly Billy! Exit stage right, pursued by a badger.
As that mass hallucination cleared from our collective minds, just three minutes of the second half were enough for Fulham coach Slaviša Jokanović to recover from his own torpor and decide that he needed to implement the first player swap of the game. Why do coaches invariably wait those all-important additional three or four minutes, before making a change? Do you know? On came the returning Ryan Fredericks, at Right Back, in a straight swap for the largely ineffective Denis Odoi. There was little reason to suppose that this simple substitution would turn out to be a move of pure genius, nor that it would deliver any significant change in the overall pattern of the game; but we were, in fact, about to witness that oft-cited phenomenon, “A Game of Two Clichés”, as the pendulum of pressure and possession began to swing slowly and inexorably in Fulham’s favour. Finally, the home side started to locate their “A” game.
First, after Aluko was tripped, whilst drifting
through, in between Dorrans and Brady, Fulham’s Johansen found the outside top of the side
netting from the resulting free-kick, 25 yards out, to desperate groans from
the home support. This turned out, however, to represent the first stirrings in
the swing of fickle fortune’s fixture barometer. In the 54th minute, following
tidy build-up work on the edge of the Norwich box between McDonald, Martin
& Johansen, a double deflection helped Chris Martin find the net from the
right-hand side of the area for just the second time in a Fulham (or Derby
County) league fixture, this season. It’s possible the first deflection was off
the hand of Norwich’s Olsson, before a final “ricochet” off Johansen; but it was
just as well the ball did finally find the net, to avoid any ambiguity. Since
there’s no way on Earth this referee was going to give Fulham a penalty, even if
it hadn’t done so. Perhaps we had witnessed another (in)famous football cliché,
The Hand of God – and the inadvertent shin of Johansen. The announcer in the ground gave Martin the credit; but the churlish BBC later awarded the goal to Johansen.
Bizarrely, this come-back goal seemed to be the signal for a first group of "fans" to gather up their belongings and start leaving the Neutral Area. Clearly they were NOT admirers of The Beautiful Game, which seemed bizarre. Perhaps they really were just random passers-by after all, who'd wandered in off the Stevenage Road by accident (lured by the apparent promise of pyramids, sacrifice and Egyptology?) ... and who had taken over an hour to realise they were unintentionally attending a football fixture. Unlikely as it may sound, a steady trickle of exit-eers continued for the remainder of the game, despite the raised excitement level around the ground. Spirits were lifted amongst the 'proper' home fans, though. The noise level emanating from the Fulham faithful accordingly went up a notch (though hardly to 11) just as that from their opponents began to falter. Mike and Giles had been right about that clean sheet. They weren’t just being good guests, after all. Now there was only one team looking likely to score again. City’s Naismith replaced the largely ineffective Hoolahan; but to no avail. After 66 minutes, Johansen found Chris Martin free, in far too much space on Norwich’s right, after good, swift build-up play from an intercepted Dorrans pass. Which error was precisely why City’s Right Back had ‘gone missing’. Martin drove in a firm shot past McGovern and his namesake, from 10 yards out, to equalise. Had he now scored a brace in the match, or just one goal? It was mere fuzzy detail. With the scores now level at 2 – 2,
Chris Martin strikes home his second - or was it his first? (Photo: FFC website)
Norwich now remembered, with no time left to lose, that they, too, were allowed to advance with the ball - and with threat. In the 80th minute, Button needed to produce a fine, strong, two-handed save from a driven Alex Tetty effort from 20yards out. It was vastly better than an earlier effort by the erratic Ghanaian-Norwegian from similar distance; which had comfortably found Row Z, amongst the visiting fans.
Bizarrely, this come-back goal seemed to be the signal for a first group of "fans" to gather up their belongings and start leaving the Neutral Area. Clearly they were NOT admirers of The Beautiful Game, which seemed bizarre. Perhaps they really were just random passers-by after all, who'd wandered in off the Stevenage Road by accident (lured by the apparent promise of pyramids, sacrifice and Egyptology?) ... and who had taken over an hour to realise they were unintentionally attending a football fixture. Unlikely as it may sound, a steady trickle of exit-eers continued for the remainder of the game, despite the raised excitement level around the ground. Spirits were lifted amongst the 'proper' home fans, though. The noise level emanating from the Fulham faithful accordingly went up a notch (though hardly to 11) just as that from their opponents began to falter. Mike and Giles had been right about that clean sheet. They weren’t just being good guests, after all. Now there was only one team looking likely to score again. City’s Naismith replaced the largely ineffective Hoolahan; but to no avail. After 66 minutes, Johansen found Chris Martin free, in far too much space on Norwich’s right, after good, swift build-up play from an intercepted Dorrans pass. Which error was precisely why City’s Right Back had ‘gone missing’. Martin drove in a firm shot past McGovern and his namesake, from 10 yards out, to equalise. Had he now scored a brace in the match, or just one goal? It was mere fuzzy detail. With the scores now level at 2 – 2,
Chris Martin strikes home his second - or was it his first? (Photo: FFC website)
Norwich now remembered, with no time left to lose, that they, too, were allowed to advance with the ball - and with threat. In the 80th minute, Button needed to produce a fine, strong, two-handed save from a driven Alex Tetty effort from 20yards out. It was vastly better than an earlier effort by the erratic Ghanaian-Norwegian from similar distance; which had comfortably found Row Z, amongst the visiting fans.
It was still an open contest, even going into
stoppage time. Jacob Murphy led a late break-out. The away end thought, to a
man, that his low cross had hit Sigurdsson’s arm; but his desperate, defensive dive delivered
only a corner. Mr Linington presumably had carefully checked his Norwich penalty
cupboard only to find it already bare and over-subscribed. As famous football fan Oscar
Wilde might have said: “to award one
penalty may be regarded as a misfortune; to award two looks like carelessness;
three would be entirely unacceptable, in polite society”*
The Fulham squad finish playing The Stumps Game with Silly Billy (Photo: FFC website)
So, despite a promising half-time score-line for the
visitors, Craven Cottage remains a far from happy hunting ground for these
high-flying Canaries. To add salt to Norwich’s wounds, Newcastle had secured
all three points with a 0-2 win at Barnsley, to go top. The only team ‘The
Toon’ have lost to on the road so far this season, being Fulham. Norwich City
had then, after all, fared a little better down on the Thames than their title
rivals, at least. Meanwhile, Fulham themselves remain within two tantalising
points of those glittering play-off places, despite their poor run of recent
(home) form. It can be a burden, seeing the future. Before the game, I predicted "a draw is our most likely outcome". A win would, of course, have been better; but, anyway, what's wrong with "a Desmond" (2-2), I ask you? It was a good, entertaining game. Especially so, once Fulham got going - which just seemed to take far too darned long. For most of the 2nd half there was only one side likely to score - and it wasn't the visitors, who didn't truly live up to their top-of-the-table billing. No thumping home win, alas: but no defeat either - and the headline “Former Canary Haunts Travelling Yellows” was duly secured. If only Referee Linington had 'gone missing', Martin's impact on his former club might have been even greater still.
The answers to those other all-important pre-match
questions, then, turned out to be:
a)
Yes.
b)
Yes.
c)
No.
d)
Quite a lot.
e)
Yes.
So Norwich City must try yet again to break the 30 year Craven Cottage hoodoo. Will they get another chance next season? They will be hoping not; and no, as suspected, it seems there really is no such thing as a "neutral", after all. Hands up, now; who got all those answers correct?
Fulham Line-up: Button; Odoi (Fredericks 50'), Sigurdsson, Ream, Malone; McDonald (Tunnicliffe 82'), Parker; Lucas Piazon (Matt Smith 90'), Johansen, Sone Aluko; Martin.
Unused substitutes: Bettinelli, Madl, Ryan
Sessegnon, Kebano
Manager: Slavisa Jokanovic
Norwich City Line-up: McGovern; Ivo Pinto, Martin,
Klose, Olsson; Dorrans, Tettey; Jacob Murphy, Hoolahan (Naismith 63'), Brady
(Nélson Oliveira 85'); Jerome.
Unused substitutes: Ruddy, Ryan Bennett, Pritchard,
Louis Thompson, Josh Murphy Manager: Alex Neil
Culture
Vulture Reference
*Paraphrasing Lady Bracknell, in Wilde’s “The
Importance of Being Earnest” (Act 1)
Appendices
Referee James Linington is a plumber. In a parallel universe, he says he fancies “a spot on the
Fifa list”. If such appointments are based on match-day performance or feedback placed on
football-lineups.com, I don’t fancy his chances much. Here are some of the few
re-printable fan comments found on that site:
Swansea fan - “a complete joke. Should never officiate games above conference level". (DH: a bit harsh on teams lower down The Pyramid, don't you think?)
Baggies fan - “I was embarrassed at his pitiful performance. Might as well concede the game and save the effort of travelling”. (DH: it might also be cheaper; leaving more time to spend that spare cash on beers from Aldi)
Newcastle fan - “It was too much for Mr Linington … His decisions bordered between bizarre and outrageous … The Football League must be hard up for refs”. (DH: they'll soon be hard-up for fans too, if Linington is allowed to continue on his spree)
Various other fans of unidentified clubs - “As a ref, a complete disgrace; everything that is bad about the game, you should hang your head in shame!”; “OMG what an inept official ... He should be struck off the FA’s list and never referee another game“; “Well Mr. Linington, I hope you can sleep at night”; “After watching your very dismal performance … you should be stripped of your Referee’s badge”. (DH: what, ceremonially? Fans might pay to watch that.)
Swansea fan - “a complete joke. Should never officiate games above conference level". (DH: a bit harsh on teams lower down The Pyramid, don't you think?)
Baggies fan - “I was embarrassed at his pitiful performance. Might as well concede the game and save the effort of travelling”. (DH: it might also be cheaper; leaving more time to spend that spare cash on beers from Aldi)
Newcastle fan - “It was too much for Mr Linington … His decisions bordered between bizarre and outrageous … The Football League must be hard up for refs”. (DH: they'll soon be hard-up for fans too, if Linington is allowed to continue on his spree)
Various other fans of unidentified clubs - “As a ref, a complete disgrace; everything that is bad about the game, you should hang your head in shame!”; “OMG what an inept official ... He should be struck off the FA’s list and never referee another game“; “Well Mr. Linington, I hope you can sleep at night”; “After watching your very dismal performance … you should be stripped of your Referee’s badge”. (DH: what, ceremonially? Fans might pay to watch that.)
And what of all the supportive comments? … there are absolutely none. Even his mother seems to want to remain silent on the matter. If so, she may be the Real Football world's only neutral: http://www.football-lineups.com/referee/1112/
For four minutes of entertaining match highlights, follow this link: http://footballgoals.ovh/index.php/2016/10/19/highlights-fulham-2-2-norwich-city/
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