"I'd rather watch them on Ceefax"*

Be careful what you wish for, they sometimes say. Most (ahem) ‘older’ readers should need no reminding that the archaic Wimbledon reference in the title of this piece was NOT made by Virginia Wade, about the All-England Tennis Championships; but by Saint Gary of Lineker, about that South-West part of London’s old football club (now “MK Dons”) when they still were, arguably, a football club; and before all but about 5,000 of the world’s population hated them. It was the BBC Queen Mother of Football’s way of disapproving of the ‘unsophisticated’ playing style of Vinnie Jones’s and Dennis Wise’s “Crazy Gang”, Wimbledon FC – which was, supposedly, anathema to the football neutral. You may recall this was the team who pooped Liverpool’s Wembley party in 1988 and, in the words of another frequently quoted football pundit, “beat the Culture Club”**. Younger readers may want to check out this "Ceefax" thing, on their ‘phones, via its successor, at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ceefax

An old friend, re-visited: some names from ancient history feature (incl. Fulham's octogenarian sometime-midfielder, Scotty Parker).

This week, I had to make do with the modern equivalent of watching the football scores come in on Ceefax. Despite following Enfield Town through relative thick and thin this season, a rogue set of ladders decided to reschedule my weekend plans, last Wednesday night, by doing a passable impression of a bucking bronco, as I was about 4 feet up in the air, treating a garden fence. The result? “A non-displaced (that's pretty much the only 'good' news to be had) spiral fracture to the neck of the right foot’s 5^th metatarsal” … apparently. Oh, and no weight-bearing for 4-6 weeks. Brilliant! This crushing news didn’t feel quite as bad as crashing a 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California Spyder backwards, through plate-glass windows, into a deep ravine, uninsured; but it was a  pretty close thing***.

NOW the (air) boot's on the other foot!

Not one to be daunted by these little tests that life sometimes throws up for us, I saw this new development not as a problem; but as an opportunity. Rather than venturing to Donkey Lane and risking “displacing” my spiral fracture, in the heaving crowds bound to be attending Enfield Town’s final league game of the Regular Season, here was my great chance to experiment, on your behalf, with a twenty-first century update of the Gary Lineker challenge. What WOULD it really be like to follow The Towners progress, sat at home, in front of my computer, Ceefax-stylie? Necessity, after all, is often said to be the Mothers of Invention.

In fact, I was privileged enough to be able to double-up on my planned, radical, freaky, Saturday afternoon, computer screen, experiment action. Not only were Ryman Premier League form-side, The Towners, taking on Sizewell’s finest, at Donkey Lane; but also Championship form-side Fulham were on a road trip to fellow play-off place rivals, Huddersfield Town. Double-Trouble, perhaps? I was certainly nervous, on both counts. Never assume; but always believe!

Enfield Town vs. Leiston

Saturday 22nd April, 2017 - Ryman Premier League,  3pm k-o

AND

Huddersfield Town vs. Fulham

Sat. 22nd April, 2017 - English Football League Championship, 3pm k-o

There was much pre-match anticipation and hype around Enfield's match (see flyer, above). Town simply needed to avoid a home defeat, to secure their play-off berth. Whereas, with three games remaining, Fulham would also be hoping to avoid defeat to keep their own play-off hopes alive; but nothing would be decided, "on the day", so to speak. As matters unfolded, I would find myself flicking excitedly between the BBC Sport and Fulham websites (for coverage of the game at the John Smith’s Stadium) and between Enfield Town’s website and their facebook page, for tweeted updates from Donkey Lane.

It was just as well I had already sat down promptly, ahead of the day’s two big kick-offs. After re-tweeting good wishes from various local (and not so local) non-league sides AND our Belgian ‘twin’ club, Beveren, Town’s first match-coverage tweet of the day did not bode well: “Early scare for Town, as Kirby and McDonald get in a muddle and the Leiston forward almost capitalises: 0-0”. It was already rather too exciting, even from a mile away. Meanwhile, within four minutes, Fulham were already 1-0 down at Huddersfield, to a Chris Löwe penalty; after the German was fouled clumsily, if only slightly, in the area by covering Fulham winger, Floyd Ayité - who is nobody's idea of a defender. That’s NOT how things were supposed to go! Over at the QE II stadium, meanwhile, there were more nervous tweets being posted from the ground, as Leiston also showed that they’d forgotten to read the carefully-crafted Harney pre-match script.

The Cottagers have become a more resilient side, as this season has progressed. Huddersfield now found this fact out to their cost. Just after the quarter-hour mark, Fulham’s Scott Malone followed up on a loose ball on the left. He fired a left-footed shot across home ‘keeper Danny Ward, “from a difficult angle”, into the bottom right corner, to draw things level. In Enfield, it was also still level-pegging; but only just: “… the prolific Blake heads just over. Fast start from the visitors”. Back in Huddersfield, Ayité was busy making amends for his earlier error. With more than a hint of symmetry, he “draws a foul in the penalty area”, as Jonathan Hogg clumsily flattens him. He could have gone down under an earlier challenge; but he’s “too honest” for that. Fulham, however, have not had the best of records with their penalty taking this year; missing EIGHT out of the 11 awarded to them. Yes, that’s a success strike rate of just 27%. So the outcome of this latest penalty award was far from being a foregone conclusion. With a success rate of just 50% (1 from 2) Tom Cairney was, up to that point, the most successful of Fulham’s six different spot-kick takers, this term. Unsurprisingly, it was he who stepped up to take this kick; which he … confidently converted “with a left footed shot to the bottom right corner”: 1-2.

It was more difficult to gauge just how things were going at Donkey Lane, as tweets flip-flopped in their tone: “Town well on top now” … followed swiftly by “Saying that, the visitors have a strong shout for a penalty waved away”; and then the more balanced “Both sides attacking with numbers which is making for an exciting game, but the final ball has been lacking”. The Enfield crowd was announced: 812 – which was a new, all-time record home gate for a league match. Great financial news, at least; but it was soon followed by “Goal: ETFC 0-1 LFC. Looped header drops in at the far post. Big goal for the visitors”. By contrast, Fulham had been keeping their end of the bargain up, though. After 36 minutes, Stefan Johansen followed up a blocked Ryan Sessegnon effort with a “left footed shot from the left side of the box to the bottom right corner”: Huddersfield Town 1, Fulham 3. Just before half-time, The Cottagers appeared to have put early adversity behind them - and the game beyond Huddersfield’s reach - when Stefan Johansen scored his second, after dispossessing the luckless penalty conceder, Hogg, not far outside his own box: “left footed shot from the right side of the box to the bottom right corner”: Huddersfield Town 1, Fulham 4. The visitors in both games headed for the dressing rooms in seventh heaven. It was time to give up on events oop North and concentrate on Town’s efforts. With the score “Currently 0-0 between Wingate and Dulwich”, as things stood, “we've dropped out the play off places. Need a big second half”. Strewth – wasn’t that the truth!


"The Calm Before The Storm": it had all seemed so simple, before the game started! Enfield's pre-match changing room: a blue and white, obsessive-compulsive dream.

After the break, there was soon good news from the Champion Hill Stadium, as Town re-tweeted: “GOAL: Wingate & Finchley 0-1 DULWICH HAMLET - Ibra Sekajja (48')” - more of him, later. This was quickly followed by a statement of the bleedin’ obvious: “Dulwich take the lead at Wingate. Town won't want to need to rely on that result though”. Soon there was more bad news, followed by some slightly better: “Visitors showing the better quality on the ball this half. Town need to up their game”; “Dulwich now 2-0 up at Wingate”. A disappointing home performance; but our potential play-off opponents were doing us a surprising favour, just a few miles across North London. As things stood, it would be Enfield and Leiston joining Dulwich and Bognor in the play-off semi's. With Leiston a goal up, the next meaningful tweet came as no major surprise: “It's attack versus defence now, as LFC have set up camp. They are well organised and playing very well”. This ominous news soon followed by a rather more promising update: “Dulwich now 3-0 up at Wingate”.

The tension was already receding by the time some much more positive news finally arrived, with just 5 minutes remaining: “Goal ETFC 1-1 LFC. Bobby Devyne smashing in Samir Bihmoutine's cross … Things are looking much rosier!” But not for Leiston; this was just the reversal they had NOT wanted. Were they now ruing that strategic switch to a mob-handed defence? And had they left things too late to now recover their play-off-securing lead?

Before too much longer, there finally came a pair of tweets that summed up the joy and cruelty of The Beautiful Game: “Full-Time: ETFC 1-1 LFC. Town travel to Dulwich in the play-off semis, on Thursday!”. Quickly followed by “Despair for Leiston, who were excellent today and just miss out”. Our hopeful, Suffolk visitors had been just five minutes away from joining Town in the play-offs, by securing fifth place. Instead, they left with nothing. Ouch!

For the record, Enfield finished a tough, yo-yo season in 4^th place, with the best form record in the league: seven wins and a draw, in their last 8 games. Further North, Fulham rounded out their crushing 1-4 away win, with no further scoring from either side; leaving themselves needing a maximum of 3 points from their last two games, to stop Leeds United from usurping their 6^th-place qualification for the play-offs. Similar to Enfield, The Cottagers now have, themselves, the second-best form record in their own League, behind only already-promoted Brighton. Come On, You Whites! Come On, You Towners! And Come On, You Spiral Fractures … hurry up and heal ... please!

Just a few short weeks ago, both my favoured sides looked unlikely to qualify for the end-of-season lotteries of their respect divisional play-offs. Nothing is for certain, yet; but both clubs are now looking a lot happier about their potential short-term futures. As a friend of mine famously once said: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it"***. After all, nobody wants to  become “a fry cook on Venus” … do they?!

Post-Script: a keen analyst friend of ours (Ed from Lincoln – he’s been a previous contributor to this page – and yes, he is a fan of those newly-promoted “Imps”) has shared some fascinating research into the comparative success of Ryman Premier League teams in recent play-off history, based upon the position in which they finished the regular season. The good news is that, over the last nine years of Ed’s desk research, the team that has finished 4^th in the league in the regular season (as Enfield Town have just done) has been as successful in gaining promotion as those teams that have finished 2nd and 3rd; each of those positions gaining three promotions, for their incumbents. The sixth-placed team, on the other hand, have not been promoted once. As Ed says: it’s a very level play-off playing field, except for the 'also-rans' of 5^th place (Wingate and Finchley, this time around). See details, pictured below.

Great work work our Lincoln-based "affiliate", Ed T.

On the other hand, there is also bad news for Enfield. I would have dearly loved to be on the terraces at Champion Hill Stadium tonight, myself; but, instead, I'm just going to have to make do with internet coverage - again! As I finalise the editing of this latest post (it is just gone 7.45 pm, on Thursday the 27^th) I notice that Town have managed to go behind to Dulwich Hamlet in the first minute of their crucial play-off ‘Semi-Final’; to another goal by their hosts’ top-scorer, the newly-prolific Ibra Sekajja. There will be an outcome in tonight's match; even if that should need extra-time and penalties. At least ONE more Enfield update should follow this; but could there yet be a second? Only time will tell!

Footnotes:

*Gary Lineker - February 1993

** John Walker Motson, OBE - 14 May, 1988

*** from “Ferris Bueller's Day Off” (1986)