“Art Is Like Football … It’s Meaningless, You Know”*

Fulham FC vs. Bristol City - 3pm k-o

Saturday 24th September, 2016 - The Championship

A controversial opening gambit, you think? I should say so! Although I have taken the above title quote about “Context” (deliberately) out of ... errrrm, context; in order to achieve a certain degree of shock and awe. Or - something.

Today (Saturday 1^st October) is the start of a new month; and the unofficial start of my Autumn calendar. So it represents a good opportunity to try and forget last month. Or, at least, last month’s football. Later on, I plan to pick up the baton of my non-league football blog, when Enfield Town host Dulwich Hamlet at 3pm. That promises to be one of the prime fixtures of the Ryman Isthmian Premier League season. In a week that saw “Fat Sam” impale himself on the twin peaks of greed and stupidity (allegedly) - and given Gareth Southgate’s well-publicised aversion to taking on the role permanently - I thought it would also be a good opportunity to run the rule over Bradley Quinton’s credentials to replace Sam in “The Top Job” … and/or, possibly, in front the FA’s disciplinary board. Before that, however, there is the small matter of a Championship match to report on, from Craven Cottage. A game played the day after the last action in the English county cricket season.

It is one of the many, myriad, murky mysteries of the football fan’s fickle fate to ponder just why the “fixture computer” so often throws up random cup games which repeat recent or forthcoming match-ups. Swansea recently played Manchester City in back-to-back cup and league fixtures; Newcastle and Wolves also played déjà vu; and so it was that Fulham faced Bristol City last Saturday in the English second tier last weekend, just three days after throwing away a mid-week lead, a penalty-kick and a place in the last 16 of the EFL Cup against the same opponents … and no, I don’t know what that tournament is, either. So just don’t ask!

In that previous game, league top-scorer Tammy Abraham (on-loan from Fulham’s arriviste, West London rivals, Chelsea) came on as a substitute to score a last-minute winner, which took the scrumpy boys into seventh heaven – and the fourth round. After that defeat, Fulham manager Slaviša Jokanović had set about the task of stating the bleedin’ obvious, with gusto: "You have to play from the first minute to the last in all the games”, before going on to bleat that “We played many minutes of good football and … played very well in the first half" (see: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/37357714). Would the Serbian and his team learn the harsh lessons of 90-minute football - and do better, this time out? Surely they couldn’t make the same mistakes again … could they?

No empty stomachs, here - and no David Bailey's amongst the security staff, either. Somewhere behind us is the oldest stand in the football league - and a game of football.

Luck seemed to fall into place on a couple of fronts, before Saturday’s game. Firstly, friend John P was unable to use his Riverside Stand season tickets on the day – which was good news for me, after I had earlier been offered some seats right down the front of the Hammersmith End, by friend Graham M (thanks anyway, Graham!). Then friend Jez C from Chelmsford was available and coincidentally already planning to be in London, at a loose end for the afternoon. He was, thus, able to join me for one of the day’s big grudge re-matches. We were a little pressed for time, after watching Jez’s daughter complete a lunch-time, open-water one mile swim in The Serpentine, at Hyde Park (well done, Holly!). After which, despite the best efforts of the dyslexic District line and the churlish Circle Line, we made it to the ground with time enough on our hands for a stroll through Bishop’s Park in the warm, afternoon sunshine; to be followed by a quick beer and a bite to eat, in The Chairman’s Club lounge. Which turned out to be just as well, since the fare on offer on the pitch was not best enjoyed on an empty stomach.

Fulham started brightly enough; but it soon became clear that, with the exception of club captain Scott Parker, in central midfield, few of their players could string three passes together – or make the right decisions, going forwards. This can be a problem, apparently, if you are hoping to win a football match. Almost without exception, everybody preferred to check inside or turn backwards, rather than press forwards with pace, or spread play wide quickly, when in possession. The result of which was a comparatively comfortable opening ten minutes for the Bristol defence. The visitors were content to sit back and soak up Fulham’s inept possession; but not for very long. After just 10 minutes “I.T.M.A.” came into play (yes, “It’s That Man Again”). Tammy Abraham (starting the game this time, rather than arriving fresh from the bench, as he had done so successfully, in mid-week) opened the scoring at the denouement of pretty much Bristol's first fast break (it was not to be their last) following a mis-placed pass by Fulham’s  defensive midfielder, MacDonald. This came just as the Whites were, themselves, stepping out and preparing to launch an attack of their own. As a result, when Bristol came a-calling, there was almost nobody home. Abraham finished neatly, but routinely, past Button from a low, driven Jamie Paterson cross. Oh Grandma Tammy, what big feet you’ve got. All the better to score against you with!

Abraham celebrates his opening goal. So lanky, he can't be contained within the frame of an enlarged photgraph.
I won’t bore you here with all the gory details of a blow-by-blow match commentary. Suffice it to say that there were plenty more blows to come (see: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/37392283). Fulham huffed and puffed but couldn’t have blown anybody’s house down. They could easily have reached the half-time break already down by several goals. Mysteriously, Parker (along with “teenage sensation” Sessegnon, one of the few players on the pitch capable of matching Bristol’s endeavour and control) was substituted at half-time. His replacement, Stefan Johansen spent the second half looking for all the world like a man ambling around the Tate gallery, without a floor map, while his opponents got on with the business of securing three league points. Johansen was a strange swap, if made was “for tactical reasons”.

Look closely enough and you will see Jez & I "enjoying"(?) the first-half action.

Jez and I enjoyed the spectacle from the best seats in the house, thanks to Generous John; but it was bewildering to watch Fulham continually make the wrong decisions, when in possession. Almost Jozabed’s first contribution, after coming on as a 66^th minute substitute, with his side already 0-2 down, was to intercept a Bristol pass - only to inadvertently set-up the visitors’ third goal. It summed up inadvertent Fulham’s day. Later, and with only 11 minutes of normal remaining, referee Peter Bankes decided a three-goal cushion might not be enough for City. So he showed Fulham’s bemused and outclassed MacDonald a straight red card, for an innocuous challenge (indeed, barely a challenge at all) on Callum O'Dowda. Unsurprisingly, Bristol subsequently stretched their lead to four goals, even as 10-man Fulham continued to enjoy the majority (63%) of blunt possession. The Whites managed just two on-target attempts (and a strike of the woodwork) to show for it all. At full-time, with much of the home crowd already well on their way to the nearby tube stations, the score-line stood at an embarrassing 0-4. A result which made Wednesday night’s unwanted turn-around defeat look like a tactical masterclass, by comparison. Two worsening defeats in just 3 days, against the same opposition club; but, to be fair, Swansea had fared little better, against Manchester City in their re-maych. Later, I found out that Bristol City's head coach, Lee Johnson, comes from a family who "are very strong Fulham fans". Despite that, his team had, quite rightly, showed no mercy.

Meanwhile, Dulwich has a fine art gallery, you know. Opened to the public in 1817 in a building designed by Sir John Sloane, it is the oldest public art gallery in England. I am hopeful that an Enfield game against the hamlet’s local football side won’t prove to be as entirely “meaningless” as the art contained within said gallery - and within the Fulham squad. Come On, You Towners!

*Culture-Vulture reference: an earth-shattering admission by Simon Wilson (former Tate Gallery Education Officer – and later one of their curators) in “Bricks!”, a BBC Four arts documentary, filmed and broadcast forty years on from the accidental infamy and furore created around Carl Andre's pile-of-bricks sculpture, expensively acquired by London’s Tate Gallery in 1976. You MUST remember all of THAT, surely? To be fair to Wilson, he did add the caveat “if you don’t know the rules … you need to know the context”; and that is a pretty fair summary. Perhaps coach Jokanović and his Fulham players could do with brushing up on those (football) rules and context?
Wilson's fellow contributor to the same arts show (Matthew Collings, described as a “Writer and Artist”) added: “Even Renaissance art isn’t really accessible to everybody, immediately. It’s a pretty difficult thing to know what all those symbols are”. Admittedly, he did then go on to add that, without context, if you’re not interested in having your mind expanded by provocative art, “it feels much better to want to punch it”. And now I’m starting to feel warmer towards that supposed link between fine art and football fandom. Especially after a couple of pre-match pints. Do you think art fans fuel up on pre-gallery pints, too?

One Golden Day in the Sun?

Enfield Town vs. Harrow Borough - 3pm k-o

Mon. 28th August, 2016 - Ryman Premier League

It has been yet another slow start to a season, at Enfield Town F. C. - our third in a row - and I have not been along to witness events unfold since the final pre-season friendly at Harringay Borough (see elsewhere on this blog page). I will not blame it (my absence) “on the boogie”; but on my daughter’s hastily-arranged, last-minute 19th birthday garden party - and my own bad, mid-week memory. I must try harder. Last season, we lost our first three league games; the previous year we took just one point from the first 9 available; and yet, in both of those seasons, Enfield were very much “in the mix” at the end of each campaign. So a similarly slow start, this time out, has not left Town's long-suffering fans feeling too concerned or disconcerted.

After scraping just one point from their possible first 9 again, this time, Enfield went into Monday’s game with only 4 points “on the board” (none of them earned on the road) from their first 5 matches. So it was probably with some relief that fans realised their Bank Holiday opposition would be a side whom we had thrashed 5-0 in our last meeting (also at home) back in late November, 2015. A week is, famously, a long time in politics, though; and 9 months are an even longer time in non-league football. Many soccer clichés have flowed under the bridge, since the last visit of Harrow Borough FC; and key players have left Donkey Lane for pastures newer and richer.

The club website advertised this match-up as “the last game of the summer”. The big question was whether it would prove to be a good harvest – or a bitter vintage. There was also some familiar advice on the web page: “Get along to this afternoon's game and say farewell to summer with a drink in the bar”. Though the last of the summer wine was not on offer “Ales from Redemption and Colchester Breweries” were. Certainly some sort of redemption would also be required on the pitch, in order to kick-start Enfield’s already mis-firing season.

A glorious, hot, sunny, English late-Summer Bank Holiday afternoon welcomed a decent attendance of 405 to The QE II Stadium (the 5th-largest of the day in the Ryman Premier League). One might have expected a bigger crowd on such a lovely day; but there were only 18 fans in the away end. Of the home fans, son Callum may well have been the only Bajan amongst them. You can (eventually) read all the gory details, as ever, on the club’s website (http://www.enfieldtownfootballclub.co.uk/teams/65370/match-reports); but let me cut straight to the chase, here. There was simply very little of note to write up, for your delight and delectation. Suffice to say that one of the highlights of the game was when the Enfield Ultras tried to liven up affairs, deep into the second half, from the home end, to the tune of “Bread of Heaven”: “Let’s - Pre-Tend - We’ve - Scored - A - Goal …” The ensuing mock celebrations were to prove the only ones on offer, in what was mostly a very dull affair. SOOOOOO dull was it, in fact, that your reporter was reduced to playing “Spot the (secret) Towners celebrity fan”. 

 

Be honest, now; did any of you spot “The Messiah” straight away? Or Willie Nelson (“American musician, singer, songwriter, author, poet, actor, and activist”)? Both were sporting VERY good disguises, indeed!

Town's Parcell weeps tears of shame and frustration; while the visitors' management team look on, unable to believe they've got away with this one.

Back on the pitch, Enfield dominated possession; but lacked the necessary cutting edge in the final third of the pitch and failed to capitalise on their territorial advantage. They managed only a couple of on-target efforts all afternoon, for which the visitors’ ‘keeper, Luke Williams, was at his agile best. As is often the case, under such circumstances, the home side were, eventually, almost made to pay for their profligacy. Nathan McDonald was called upon to make a number of sharp saves; one of them very late in the game, when Harrow finally realised they were in a football match, rather than a bus-park. Ultimately, this was very much a case of two points dropped; leaving Town languishing in a lowly 19^th place (of 24). As Borough's website pithily summed things up in a Twitter feed: “A point earned at a ground where we usually do not perform all in all a good #bankholidayweekend”. Not if you were a fan of The Beautiful Game, it wasn't.

The second half gets under way – still in the absence of goals and away fans.

If there was any good news at all, it may have come in the shape of some wise words from one of the club's most famous (secret celebrity) fans, Mr. Nelson: "Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results". Let's just hope the old boy's right in this case.

Photo by Larry Philpot

Mind you, he did also once say "I believe that all roads lead to the same place - and that is wherever all roads lead to" ... which wasn't very helpful at all. Not least since Enfield Town FC's road leads them next to Hanwell Town and then Folkestone Invicta - which are very definitely NOT in the same place. For now, we'd better just hope he doesn't volunteer to drive the team bus.

Funeral in N17?

Haringey Borough vs. Enfield Town - 3pm k-o

Sat. 6th August, 2016 - Pre-Season Friendly

On Saturday, I travelled to an away game, for the first time in some months. Although, admittedly, it was not so very far away; just 5 miles, in fact. Haringey Borough F.C. were to be Enfield Town’s final pre-season friendly opponents; and it seemed like a good time to check out how The Towners’ preparations for another tough Ryman Premier League season had been coming along. “The Borough” play at White Hart Lane and, after significant investment, their Coles Park ground now features a new, state-of-the-art 4G, all-weather astro-turf pitch ... hopefully assuring all attendees of great ‘phone reception. The new pitch is a major investment, after year's of postponed matches and fixture congestion, due to a water-logged playing surface.This is an astonishing fact when one considers that the very existence of the ground has been under threat for some extended period of time: “End of an era as Haringey Borough FC learn they will lose Coles Park home” said the Tottenham and Wood Green Journal, back in March 2011. That was after Haringey Council had approved plans to demolish the historic 80-year-old ground. Well Boro haven’t lost it yet; and, five years later on, they are now entering their 83rd year on the site – though now ground-sharing with wandering Brimsdown FC, of the Spartan South Midlands League (First Division).

 

Amidst the confusion of player number changes, eagle-eyed readers will notice only five Town players on show at Coles Park from the starting line-up of their last league game.

Borough announced before the match that the game against Enfield would see free admission for all. So a tidy crowd, which I would estimate at about 200 (no official crowd figure has been released, since there were no gate receipts) occupied their main stand. Many of these were away fans. The rest of the ground areas remained closed, probably for Health & Safety’ reasons – as well as to allow for those all-important finishing touches, ahead of Haringey’s own new season. Boro play their league football in the level below Enfield. So Town’s travelling fans were probably expecting a morale-boosting away win. Fingers were mostly being crossed for an entertaining game. The question on many minds was how the visitors would perform in the heat of an early-August scorcher; and in the absence of a couple of last season’s stars, lost to higher tier clubs. Stalwart defender Claudiu Vilcu having joined Bishops Stortford, in the next flight up; while key striker Corey Whitely has moved to Dagenham & Redbridge, two flights up the rickety ladder of the English Football League. Their local admirers may wish them well; or else might continue to hope they encounter “snakes” on their journey and return back ‘down’ to the club, before too long.

 

It was the friendliest of Friendlies, so Town found time for a quick game of Ring-a-Ring-o'-Roses, before kick-off. 'Keeper McDonald wisely 'declined'.

Old hands knew all too well that there was an obvious Enfield connection in the Boro dug-out, where Tom Loizou sits as club manager. He had dramatically departed from the (old) Enfield FC club, way back in 2002, just days after the season ended. Then-owner Tony Lazarou (he of ground-selling infamy) said “the two had agreed to terminate Mr Loizou's 18-month reign by mutual consent”; but, given “Lethal” Lazarou’s own track record with the truth, it’s possible that was just a big, fat lie. For those interested, incidentally, Haringey are currently offering free season tickets for home games. Apply via the club.

If the derelict views from the main stand - and the border guard watch-towers - reminded anybody of an apocalyptic post-war landscape, or of 1966 British spy film “Funeral in Berlin” (sly World Cup year reference intended!) then they should not have been any too surprised to find Harry Palmer crop up, starring in the Boro goal - see team sheet, above. Fine casting!

First-half action, as Town (in white) apply pressure from a corner.

It turns out that Enfield Town will be playing a number of games on artificial surfaces this season; so, despite the match's insalubrious setting, the logic of this friendly fixture, staged in what currently looks like a war-zone, was soon explained - "... and not a lot of people know that!". Not the least of those league games will be a potentially testing trip to newly-promoted and well-financed Harlow Town – see coverage of their 'tasty' play-off game against Hornchurch, elsewhere on this blog page. This particular pitch never seemed to trouble any of the players, home or away. Although Enfield’s Nikki Ahamed (in particular) appeared to have a mostly torrid afternoon, with frequent poor control and misplaced passes, it’s not clear how much of that could genuinely be attributed to the surface - which looked really good and seemed to play well.

The Excitement of the First-Half Drinks Break. "Who ordered the Lambrini?"

Suffice it to say that, in what was, ultimately, a lack-lustre final run-out, there was little to bother purist followers of The Beautiful Game. Enfield Town ended last season as the form side at the top of the Ryman Premier League; but Boro just about edged the first 10 scrappy minutes of this game, as Town acclimatised to the surface. Early home pressure culminating with a strike against the Town woodwork from distance, out wide on the right, by Boro's #9 Benjamin. Then fortunes slowly readjusted; and Enfield belatedly started to take control of the game, against their more ‘junior’ opponents. Their quick break in the 20th minute, following a wasted Boro free-kick, was one of few early highlights; but this dangerous 2-on-1 break was, itself, also wasted. The mid-afternoon heat required a pre-planned drinks break in the middle of the first half; and it was very nearly the pinnacle of the first-half highlights.

Town’s Micky Parcell stood out, at right wing-back; so it was probably only appropriate that he finally broke the deadlock, opening the scoring in the 38th minute. His intelligent, lung-busting, support run through the middle was spotted by the otherwise frustrated (and frustrating) Ahamed, who played a well-weighted pass into space near the right-hand corner of Boro's 6-yard box. From there, Parcell neatly tucked the ball home beyond Palmer - who perhaps should have been wearing his trademark, thick-rimmed spectacles. Shortly before half-time, referee Joel Mannix spotted what nobody else had: a defensive hand-ball in Boro’s area. There were neither appeals nor complaints; but Town’s Billy Crook strode up to blast past Harry Palmer, from the spot. Mixing up his movie reference metaphors, nobody could have blamed the Boro ‘Keeper for observing: “You were only s’pposed to blow the bloody doors off”. So Enfield lead 0-2 at the break, underlining their higher tier status; and, if slightly flattering to them, it was hardly against the run of play.

The sultry, half-time breeze from the allotment end brought a pervading scent of warm rubber off the 4G pitch, where the black pellets of the playing surface had been getting thrown up by each step taken and by every bounce of the ball. A number of substitutions were made at the break; but with little change in the order of play. Enfield continued to edge the home side; but without further reward – and without many incidents of note beyond a nasty-looking and unwanted pre-season injury to Boro’s substitute #17, Ben Traore; caused as he twisted his standing leg, receiving a ball. It was perhaps fitting, and probably unsurprising to Enfield fans, that the home side did finally earn a late, late consolation goal to give the final score some respectability and balance. Boro’s #16, a half-time sub., beating Enfield’s suspect offside trap and running through in timely fashion to notch one up for the home side. Final score: 1-2; with pre-season honours (very nearly) shared! A morale-boosting away win duly delivered. No funeral in N17, then; but the morale-ometer remained strangely, stubbornly unmoved; unboosted.

 "A Brief History of Enfield Time"; Stephen Hawking writes the visitor notes.

Next up, Canvey Island at home, in The Towners' first game of the new Ryman Premier League campaign; and a sterner test of Enfield's promotion credentials. Wouldn't it be nice if Dr. Feelgood could reform, specially for the occasion, and serenade us with their soft, Essex balladeering?
Come On, You Towners!

Some People Are On The Pitch ... Do They Think It's All Over?

Hampton & Richmond Borough FC vs. Enfield Town - 3pm k-o
Sat. 23rd April - The Ryman League Premier Division

Harlow Town FC vs. A.F.C. Hornchurch - 3pm k-o
Sunday 1st May - The Ryman League Division One, North Play-Off Final

In a week when (mostly) dignified outrage greeted the long-delayed surfacing of common sense and "Truth", at the latest Hillsborough inquest (and its verdict of 96 unlawful killings) there were still some rather more mundane matters to be resolved within the world of English football - beyond the question of whether the CPS would find some balls of their own, to pursue those deceitful, perjured killers of South Yorkshire, some 27 years on. "Justice" is still awaited.

Merseyside's favourite? Like 'Teflon Dave': barely acquainted with The Truth.

Decades later: continued shame. Murdoch's press titles still cannot bring themselves to publish the real "Truth". The only major UK 'newspapers' NOT to feature the latest Hillsborough inquest verdict on their front pages.

David Cameron’s infamous “blind man, in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there” had finally found the only thing they had ever been searching for. The one thing they had known must be out there, somewhere, no matter how carefully covered and heavily disguised it might have been: "The Truth". That, of course, is also the very thing which Dodgy Dave himself would never recognise; not even if it spat in his face and called him a tax-dodging, over-privileged 'toff'. Which it may yet do, one day - perhaps? Liverpool’s former manager, Saint Bill Shankly, famously once said “Football is not a matter of life and death...”; but on too many occasions it has been allowed to become precisely that.

Let us move on elsewhere now, though; to those other more mundane matters, already mentioned. Yes, it’s true that Leicester City would be visiting Old Trafford, in the hope of beating once-mighty Manchester United to secure the coveted Premier League title, with two games left to play; but, further down English football’s ‘pyramid’, there is still plenty of other unfinished business. Firstly, there is the post mortem examination to be carried out on the remains of Enfield Town’s Tier 7 season. This to be followed by a short journey into deepest, darkest Essex; and a brief dip down into the murky, twilight world of English football's Tier 8.

1)      Enfield Town versus "The Beavers"

Some People Are On The Pitch - Part 1: "Mmmmm, nice beaver! - Thanks, I just had it stuffed"*. Priscilla Presley, who appears to have 'let herself go' somewhat, leads out the Hampton mascot, before the crucial final game of Enfield Town's 'regular season'. (Photo by Tom Scott)

It was always going to be a tough ask: to beat the champions-elect away, on the final day of the regular season, with the latter still needing a result. The fixture computer had truly been tough on Enfield Town, this term. It had top-and-tailed our season with two of the toughest games of all: away at the eventual first- and fourth-placed sides in the league. It seemed, however, that Dulwich Hamlet were doing their utmost, elsewhere, on the final day, to open a play-off back door for Enfield to sneak through. With an hour gone, they were 2-0 down, away at Needham Market, to a brace of Luke Ingram goals. If things remained that way at Bloomfields, then Enfield simply had to score a single goal to make the play-offs. It was a particular shame, then, not to be able to find the Hampton net; especially given that Dulwich could only manage a single goal themselves, reducing the final margin of their defeat to 2-1. Manager Brad Quinton even brought himself on (again) as a late substitute, in hopes of a repeat late wonder-goal (see previous post, below). Quinton had said, after the Dulwich match, that Enfield Town would need to win all six of their remaining games to reach the play-offs; and he was proved absolutely spot-on - unfortunately! Five wins and a draw would not (quite) be enough.

Some People Are On The Pitch - Part 2. Contrasting Emotions: Town players (in yellow) are out on their feet - and off them; while Hampton celebrate the goal-less draw that saw them secure the Ryman League title and automatic promotion, by just a single point. (Photo by Tom Scott)

A nil-nil draw, away against the champions, was a highly commendable result for Town. Make no bones about that; but the damage to their prospects had already been done in earlier fixtures. Enfield’s players could only look on at the final whistle, as their hosts celebrated securing a title-clinching point, on their field of dreams. For a second successive season, The Towners had failed by two points (or a single result) to make the play-offs. For a second successive season, Dulwich had secured a play-off berth. One thing is for sure: “we” must toughen ourselves up for the next attempt; and start in earnest from game number one. After previously focussing all my Enfield Town grief on that fateful late-season, home score-draw against fellow play-off hopefuls Hamlet (in their 10-man incarnation! – see earlier post, below) I have now finally started the proper, reasoned and researched, end-of-season recriminations in earnest. Apart from Enfield's obvious, yet still inexplicable, slow-start which Ed’s earlier chart so ably illustrated (effectively allowing the other sides a 9-match head-start - see previous post, below) there was also another 4-match spell just after the New Year which “did" for Enfield’s promotion hopes arguably even more surely. Was it really simply the result of indulging in too many mince pies? As the details below show, a failure in that other, earlier ‘6-pointer’ with Dulwich Hamlet, followed by a brace of defeats (by a single, fateful goal) to each of two now-relegated sides, all in the space of less than 4 weeks (separated only by a routine home win against 'The Filth') spoiled an otherwise-improving and play-off-bound copy book.

Match #            Date

  28                   9 Jan                    Dulwich Hamlet 2-0 Enfield Town               L

  29                 16 Jan                    Enfield Town 2-0 Metropolitan Police          W

  30                 23 Jan                    VCD Athletic 3-2 Enfield Town                    L

  31                   3 Feb                    Burgess Hill T 1-0 Enfield Town                  L

Just 3 points gained from a possible 12 - and from a hoped-for 6 ... or 9? In hindsight, a pair of away draws against each of those struggling sides (they finished in 21st & 24th place, respectively) or just one single draw at Dulwich, could have seen Enfield safely into the play-offs - and National League-bound. Teeth may now be loudly gnashed, or ground. Although one can always point to any number of poor results or under-performances across an entire season as "the decisive factor", it was after the home draw with Dulwich that I finally knew the game was up. That our goose was cooked. Our play-off destiny was, by then, no longer in our own hands (or feet); but the seeds of that loss of control over our fate had been sown much earlier.

Would Dulwich make the most of that opportunity, served up to them so neatly, on a silver, Enfield platter? Or would they fluff their lines in the play-offs and face us again next season; allowing Town the chance to extract just, full and proper revenge? The answer to that question should be known within the next hour. Dulwich have already disposed of Bognor in the play-off semi-finals, with a 90^th-minute winner. As I type, it is half-time in the play-off final between East Thurrock and Dulwich; with the home side 3-1 up.

2) Harlow Town versus AFC Hornchurch

DIVISION ONE NORTH – END OF SEASON TABLE

#	Team	Pd	HW	HD	HL	AW	AD	AL	F	A	Diff	Pts
1.	AFC Sudbury	46	15	2	6	18	4	1	90	49	41	105
2.	Thurrock	46	17	0	6	13	6	4	99	52	47	96
3.	Harlow Town	46	18	3	2	11	6	6	92	47	45	96
4.	Cray Wanderers	46	14	2	7	13	7	3	98	52	46	90
5.	AFC Hornchurch	46	13	6	4	12	5	6	87	35	52	86

We move on, once again. This time to Harlow and Hornchurch; the two best-supported sides in the Ryman Isthmian League Division One North. Depending upon the result of this game, one of them would join Enfield Town next season, in Tier 7. So consider this journey to The Harlow Arena to have been in the nature of 'under-cover research', for next year. It would be a 'new ground' for me; but there was every chance that it wouldn't be my last ever visit there. My irregular Enfield Town buddy and former work colleague, Glenn, joined me for this road trip. Although, for him, Harlow are his more local side.

Harlow have the league’s highest average home gate, following the play-off matches (322) while Hornchurch have the fourth-highest average (177); but Hornchurch, like Enfield in the tier above, also boast the highest average away gates (261) with Harlow a long way behind, in second (with 172). So a large crowd was anticipated. The warm, May Bank Holiday weather was an added bonus that drew an even larger gate than was probably expected. Whichever side were to win, "The Only Way Was Essex". Which may have accounted for the disproportionate number of orange faces, expensive haircuts, make-up and sartorial choices on display in the crowd; and that was just amongst the men.

As recently as the 2012 - ’13 season, Hornchurch (“The Urchins”) were playing in England’s 6th tier. That's the Conference South, to you and me. After two relegations in three seasons, however, they were now fighting for the chance to bounce straight back into the 7th tier. Meanwhile, Harlow Town (“The Hawks”) were entering their third successive end of season play-off attempt in Tier 8; having failed to progress in each of the two previous years.

Both sides carried goal threat aplenty, with the second and third highest scorers in the league: George Purcell (AFC Hornchurch – 33 goals) and Alexander Read (Harlow Town - 31). The big questions were whether Hornchurch’s defence (the most miserly in the league) could nullify Read’s goal threat and overcome Harlow’s massive statistical home advantage. A crowd of 1,655 had turned out on fine, late-Spring afternoon, to find out the answer to that question. It turned out that some of those, alas, had also been lured by the call of the wild - and the generous 12.30pm bar opening. More than two hours later, there was plenty of pre-match, errrm … “atmosphere” in the ground.


The East and West stands at Harlow's impressive "Arena" stadium.

Harlow's home advantage is clear from their season's stats. Just 2 defeats in 24 league games is by far the best home record in the league; and a massive edge to take into such a crucial, final fixture. Just who had those two winning teams been, though? Brightlingsea Regent and ... yes, you guessed it, today's visitors, Hornchurch. So perhaps this really was still a 50-50 call. One look at the playing surface explained the source of much of that home superiority. It wasn't just the scale of the local support. Whisper it: nut Harlow play on an artificial, "3G" surface. "It's grass, Jim; but not as we know it!" With every bounce of the ball (and the ball was allowed to bounce a heck of a lot, sometimes from a very great height) small clouds of tiny black, rubber pellets could be seen flying off the surface. As someone who witnessed early attempts at playing professional football on artificial surfaces (at QPR's Loftus Road and Luton Town's Kenilworth Road) I can vouch that things are now very much improved, more than three decades on. There were no obvious seams or joins in the pitch, to affect the bounce of the ball. Players seemed surprisingly unworried by the possibility of 'grass' burns. Indeed, there was more "sliding in" on display than you might expect in the average Major League Baseball game. It was soon clear, however, that the visitors were taking some time to get accustomed to the degree of bounce off the surface - and the knack of keeping one's footing, when turning at speed. Unfamiliar spectators were also treated to the curious sight of those little black spouts of rubber debris coming up out of every footfall and ball bounce around the pitch.

It appears the Harlow PA system is used to broadcast regular, loud air-raid sirens at various critical moments of the club's games. Its first deployment was to welcome both teams to the pitch. It should have sounded something of a warning to Hornchurch, who were subjected to a blitz of first-half superior intensity from the home side, while the visitors initially struggled to gauge the pace and bounce of the pitch - and the tenor of the game.

There were quite a few 'larger-framed' chaps on display. The Urchins' #6, Dave Collis, is an experienced 34 year-old journeyman who boasts exposure with both Barnet and Charlton "B". The home crowd delighted in suggesting he was no longer entirely in control of his diet; linking him to excessive pie consumption and a sponsorship deal with Greggs The Bakers. It was banter he was happy to demonstrate he could easily ignore; showing nouse, poise and control (though perhaps not "grace") under fire - and revealing himself to be one of the visitors' best assets. Collis wasn't the only 'generously-built' player on show; but he was the one receiving the most 'stick'. Despite allowing their hosts early dominance of possession and territory, it was Hornchurch who had the first on-target efforts and the first corner of the game. A rather physical contest was developing and the youthful referee, Mr. Paul Howard, was content to allow some of the obvious big-match tension to be worked out that way. To a neutral observer it may have come as something of a surprise to find that the only booking of the match was not served out until the 87th minute; to Harlow Town's influential #7, Jared Small.

It was extremely possible that Harlow's early pressure and tempo could leave them tiring in the later stages of the game, on a warm afternoon, if they didn't reap some first-half rewards in front of goal. Several early Harlow attacks ended in indecision, uncertainty and confusion amongst the Hornchurch defence; and some miscommunication with their 'keeper. The Hawks looked the hungrier side; Hornchurch the less settled. Amidst plenty of thud and blunder, it was perhaps appropriate that the first, messy score of the game should come from an own goal. Harlow's Junior Dadson crossed from deep on the left, feeding Piers Wixon, whose shot came back off the Urchins' cross-bar, only to rebound into the net, off Hornchurch's hapless Elliot Styles: 1-0. Things got worse for the visitors just before the half-hour mark. As yet another Hornchurch attack broke down, from a corner, the cover provided by their #7, Abs Thompson (who had stayed deep to allow the big units to go forward) proved inadequate. His weak, defensive header fell straight to his opposite number, Harlow's Small. Faced with a three-on-two advantage, Small threaded a neat, intelligent through-ball for his #9, top scorer Alex Read, who did good work, drawing out 'keeper, Sam Mott, before unselfishly delivering a neat square pass for #10 Wixon to finish calmly, into an empty net: 2-0. Cue the air-raid sirens, some relaxation of the remaining home tension - and a lot of red-and-white flag-waving.

Curiously, this appeared to be the somewhat belated cue for Hornchurch to grab the game by the scruff of the neck and impose some possession of their own. I offered Glenn the opinion that the visitors were still far from out of the contest. That a goal before half-time could yet open things up, dramatically. A prescient cliché, as it eventually turned out. Despite improved possession, however, the Urchins continued to look oddly blunt 'up front'; with their hosts' GK, Hughes, barely called into action. That was until the 41st minute. Hornchurch's Tambeson Eyong went down in the Harlow area, under a challenge from Jared Small. If The Hawks had done their homework better, they might have noticed a portent concealed in an anagram of Eyong's full name: "Beg a Stony Omen". Perhaps what followed truly had been written in the stars, after all. It looked a fairly harsh call; but referee Howard showed no hesitation in awarding a Hornchurch penalty. Small had, foolishly, given him a decision to make. Now it was the visitors' top-scorer who took centre-stage. George Purcell stepped up, after a short delay (for the now traditional challenges to the referee's authority, ability and parentage) to hit the ball firmly past Hughes; having sent him the wrong way. It was, apparently, Purcell's 41st goal of a busy season, in total; and it reminded Harlow that they were still in a game: 2-1.

Hawks 'keeper Hughes: he is about to go the wrong way (to his right) for Purcell's confident penalty strike.

With the excitement building again (both on the pitch and off it, in the stands) the game was brought to a halt for some alternative entertainment, thoughtfully provided by a number of the by now very well "refreshed" locals. Having annexed a supposedly reserved, yellow-painted, hatched area of the concourse, in between the teams' two dug-outs, some Harlow fans began banging on the roof above the visiting coaching staff's seating. They then suggested various alternative views and opinions on such important footballing matters as their guests' sexuality and the historical behaviour and character attributes of their parents. In moments, the fuse had been lit and thirty or more folk (lads and a few local 'ladies') were eagerly trading punches and insults, throwing drinks and generally "giving it large", across the barrier separating fans from pitch. I can now add, to the rich tapestry of my long-running football spectating experiences, the unusual sights and sounds of a colourful punch-up; and a club manager, in respectable suit and tie, repeatedly yelling at fans of his own side to "F*ck Off! Just F*ck Right Off!" Eventually they did just that, once a brave stadium steward had forcefully made his presence felt. These were interventions for which he and Harlow's gaffer, Danny Chapman, were warmly applauded by all those other less physically 'involved' fans, nearby. If any footage of the incident were to come to the attention of the FA, or if the referee's match report is in any way reflective of actual events, I suspect Harlow could face a number of serious charges for breaching various match-day health and safety requirements. After an extended delay, the game eventually restarted; but not before most of the earlier momentum and energy had been drawn from the action by these unpleasant proceedings. That loss of tempo from the match was almost certainly of more benefit to Harlow than it was to their visitors who, before the interruption, had looked the more likely to score again.

With no further incidents of note, the first half was brought to a delayed conclusion; and fans were left to calm down and discuss in a civilised manner the merits of the exertions they had witnessed both on the field of play and off it. It was interesting to note later that the Hornchurch club's website match report made only a passing reference to the disturbance, incorrectly describing it as "an altercation between the two dugouts". While Harlow's equivalent (perhaps unsurprisingly) made no reference to it at all. If this game had featured on Match of the Day, it could well have been one of the central stories; with multiple camera angles, slow-motion action replays and in depth analysis. Not unlike coverage of the recent Battle of Stamford Bridge (Chelsea vs. Spurs in the EPL). My photo of the incident barely does it justice. This snap was taken slightly after the event. It had all flared up so fast and I was so surprised by the turn of events ... that my camera was turned off! Note that the players and referee are all standing a long way off.

Some People Are On The Pitch - Part 3: "Before and After" - that impromptu mêlée subsides, late in the first half (above). Rapidly, if belatedly, deployed Haz-Chem tape and a sunglasses-toting steward secure the disputed hatched area battleground, in the second half (below).

As the second half got under way, with the score at 2-1, there was a palpable sense that another goal at one end or the other could swing the momentum of the game strongly either way. That was not, however, the cue for a change to the 'cagey' play. Midfield tussles continued and it was an enthralling spectacle for the neutral. That was until eight minutes into the second half. At this point, Hornchurch's goalie, Sam Mott, was badly injured as he dived at the feet of Junior Dadson, who was stretching to convert a low cross from Syrus Gordon. There followed a delay of almost ten minutes as Mott was un-shirted, treated, bandaged and finally cleared to continue. Which was probably a relief for whomsoever would have had to go in goal instead of him. It was yet another unexpected delay which annulled, once again, any momentum the visitors had been building. It was also clear that Mott was not entirely 100%: his head wound making him now even more tentative than previously; and visibly shaken.

Some People Are On The Pitch - Part 4: Concern for shirtless Mott the Hoople leads to another extended stoppage.

I was watching events through the lens of potential future Enfield opponents. My own conclusions were that Hornchurch relied heavily on one man to break down opposition play and initiate moves (the ageing 'pie-man' Collis); while Harlow looked generally sharper 'up front' - making stretching runs into the forward channels and being a hyper-active nuisance. Both sides looked shaky and overly physical at the back; but neither would likely be disgraced, if playing against Tier 7 opposition, with a couple of judicial acquisitions. While I was mulling all this over, the game came to an end as an effective contest. In the 70th minute, the hosts left-back, #3 Layne Eadie, advanced towards the Urchins' penalty area, unchallenged. With time and space on his side - and still some 25 yards out - he drove a thundering, if speculative, effort across Mott and high into the right-hand corner of the net: 3-1. Would Mott have stopped that shot, if he had not been injured, earlier? That will remain an unanswerable question. The third Harlow goal lead to the best song of the afternoon. To the tune of The Automatic's "What's That Coming Over the Hill?", the home fans improvised an alternative response: "Is it Promo-shun? Is it Pro Mo-Shuuuun?". Glenn noted it was unlikely the band had originally envisioned such a use. I suspect they might have been impressed by the fans' creative hijacking.

Harlow's players celebrate in front of their Ultras, after Eadie's 'wonder strike'."Is it Promo-shun? Is it Pro Mo-Shuuuun?"

There followed the predictable series of substitutions and pack-shufflings: Hornchurch trying to pose new questions of their hosts; Harlow trying to run the clock down and break up any of their visitors' remaining momentum. Any goal threat came almost exclusively from Harlow, though; and Mott was called into action regularly in the later stages, as Hornchurch's desperation to go forward left them desperately stretched at the back. The injured goalie proved his mettle - and what might have been, had he not picked up that earlier knock.

Under cerulean skies, Harlow soaked up everything else The Urchins had to throw at them. Genuine warmth remained in the late-Spring air, as the referee (eventually) blew his whistle for the final time; but warmth was not in the responses of Hornchurch's faithful away following. Curses flew readily from the mouths of many of their fans. Were they unhappy at their side's slow start, their insufficient calibre and efforts, the pitch, the referee, THAT punch-up, their 'keeper's unfortunate injury - or all of the above? It mattered little. Failing any later intervention by the FA, Harlow Town had used their home advantage (by fair means or foul?) to massive effect; securing that all-important play-off final win - and (lucrative?) promotion to Tier 7. At the third attempt.

Late action in Harlow's goal-mouth; but, when it really mattered, Hornchurch (in yellow) could not muster a goal from open play. Over-awed by the occasion, the atmosphere and by small, black, rubber pellets that probably got everywhere.

"Some People Are on the Pitch. They Think it's All Over ... It Is NOW!"

By the time I had finished writing all of that, Dulwich had allowed East Thurrock to win their Tier 7 play-off final 3-1; and to grab that all-important promotion place. So it seems Enfield Town will face both Dulwich (again) AND Harlow, next season. Bring it on!

Meanwhile, Spurs had also fluffed their lines in that latest "Battle of Stamford Bridge". They got over-excited under intense pressure, allowing Leicester City to (finally) bask in the glory of their successful, 5,000-1 EPL title shot. The movie rights to this last, East Midlands story may already have been sold; but the tale of Enfield Town's phoenix-like rise from the ashes of Southbury Road and 1999 is still in the making. This year, Burnley, Wigan and Northampton are already on the move. Others will follow them, over the next few days. "It" is never, really, "All Over" at all, is it? Come on, you Towners!

P.S. As a Fulham fan of forty years standing, I still bear an entirely reasonable and deep-seated grudge against Leicester City for their having stolen 'our' promotion spot to the English top tier, back in the 1982 - '83 season. It's a long story, involving the goals of "Saint" bloody Gary Lineker and Alan "Sniffer" Smith; plus a final-day match at The Baseball Ground that has still never finished ... surely the longest game in the history of professional football. These are definitely the sorts of football grudge that are well worth nurturing, don't you think?

Culture Vulture Reference:
*Quote taken from "The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!" (1988)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095705/