So, just how DID Enfield Town do in that crucial, final day maths test, then?

Cray Wanderers F.C. versus Enfield Town F.C. 
(Saturday 26th April, 2014 - 3pm kick-off)

Your intrepid reporter ventured South of London’s mighty river this week-end, to watch only his second ever Enfield Town away fixture. The good news - and a positive omen - was that I had never seen the Towners lose on the road before. The bad news: nor had I ever seen them win on the road, either ... and a single point might not be enough to avoid relegation. After visiting my elderly mum in South-East London for an early afternoon cup of tea, I carried on my voyage of discovery into deepest, darkest Kent, to see Enfield take on Cray Wanderers at the Courage Stadium, which they share with Bromley F.C.

Pre-match research on Cray was not greatly revealing. In 1870-72, the Rev. John Marius Wilson's “Imperial Gazetteer of England and Wales” noted that Cray was “a village and a parish in Bromley district … stand[ing] on the rivulet Cray, and on the Mid Kent railway”. No mention of Premier League football, then; and there won’t be any next season, either. After a shocking year that had seen them conceded 135 goals already, "The Wands" were already standing on the far bank of the Premier League rivulet, waiting for a Division One rescue boat to pick them up for next season. This inexplicably nicknamed club claims to be the second oldest in the world. Travelling fans may have been hoping they would still be fielding their original defensive line-up.

On arrival at the ground, it was soon apparent that Cray were not accustomed to entertaining large crowds of visiting fans. In the ground before 2.45pm, so as to soak up some sunny, warm, pre-match atmosphere and absorb the programme notes, I discovered that all (both?) the match programmes had already sold out, to travelling souvenir hunters. Prior to the game Cray’s average gate had been just 184, compared with Enfield's lowest of 265 and highest of 662. Those numbers got me thinking about how directly on-pitch team performances might be linked to a club's financial performance off it. Sure enough, there is a clear and obviously direct link: with three of the four sides who would suffer relegation by the end of the day also sitting amongst the bottom four of last season's lowest average gates - and amongst the bottom six of this season's. Whether or not The Towners’ own strong performance in this area (seventh-best gate average in the league) would be enough to save them from the drop this year, their impressive travelling support had clearly taken home club officials (and their programme printers) by surprise today - and will have also raised Cray's season’s average gate a shade further. Programme planning was just yet another missed revenue opportunity for the itinerant Kent club. Many Enfield residents were obviously keen to see first-hand just how that maths test would go. The final day papers have now been submitted and marked; and the results are in. "Shall - we tell them?".

Before the game, I had a long chat with injured goalie-turned-supporter, Noel Imber; and commiserated with him over his dislocated shoulder. It turns out that Noel’s day-job is as a landscaper. So not only is he out of the side; but he is also currently unable to work – and not insured for loss of earnings. The good news for Noel - as I pointed out to him - is that it’s his left arm he's injured; the bad news is that he’s left-handed, of course! Noel seemed surprisingly stoical about the situation, coming into what should be the busiest time of the year for his landscaping business. Meanwhile, Enfield needed to be equally stoical about his absence, between the sticks. Injury to their first-choice ‘keeper had put the skids under the club’s recent resurgence in form. It had left them still unsure of their fate right up to this final day; and nervously looking over their collective shoulders, having previously managed only three wins on the road all season. It was immediately clear that Town’s vocal travelling fans would provide all the moral support they could muster - and that some of them had found the stadium bar early - as they were quickly into their singing stride, well before kick-off: “We’ve got a ground; we’ve got a ground – you ain’t!”

Flags were flying, spirits were high, balloons in away colours were sent floating into the azure Kent sky; the home side seemed to lack all confidence in early exchanges; and, for the first 10 minutes, Enfield put their opponents firmly under the cosh, barely seeing the ball advance into their own half. "We're staying up - we're staying up - you're not!". It is often said that pride comes before a fall. So it may be little surprise to regular readers to hear that Cray then broke out at pace from the back, against the run of play, with Vines latching onto a well-weighted through-ball to send his shot past Town's advancing under-study 'keeper, James Chalk, and open the scoring. At 1-0 down, Towners’ nerves were jangling loud and clear, both on the pitch and in the stands. If they could not turn things around, Enfield would be relying on Bognor Regis Town and/or Billericay Town to grind out at least a point against one of Town’s relegation rivals. "Go on you Towners!" ... any Towners! Relief was tangible as rumours filtered through that Bognor had gone 2 goals up at East Thurrock United. “We love Bog-Nor and we love Bog-Nor …” ; but just how accurate and reliable was that information, exactly? In this world of Twitter and 24/7 news feeds, it can still be more difficult to find out what’s happening in Finchley or Thurrock, than to follow the developing crisis East of Kiev.

An extended early delay caused by injury to a Cray defender was later followed, after 18 minutes, by a further long delay, after a heavy challenge had Enfield’s stand-in ‘keeper, Chalk, laid out on the chalk of the 6-yard markings. The physio's were being kept very busy. The first half was going to end up being painful - and painfully long. Larin was booked for his clumsy foul. Defender Lee White got ‘gloved up’ and prepared to come off the bench in place of Chalk; but the youngster was eventually deemed fit enough to continue. Just! After a further period of midfield dominance by Town, Chalk was called into action again after 35 minutes to tip a shot from Fakino onto the bar and out for a Cray corner. It was his last act of the game, as he immediately stumbled from the field of play, still ‘dazed and confused’ from the earlier collision. White now entered the fray at the second time of asking, in Chalk's place, dealing with the resultant corner only at the second attempt, to set Enfield hearts further a-flutter.

Town’s response was a break up-field by Whitely, fed by Richards, ending with a low shot across goal from the left, which rolled agonisingly wide of the right-hand post. Soon afterwards, play from an Enfield corner set-piece move broke down; but Livings picked up the pieces to carry the ball back into the Cray defence and their 18-yard box. A ricochet off defensive shins saw the ball fall to the marauding right back, Lockie, just inside the edge of the area. Appearing to pose little immediate threat, he drove diagonally and determinedly forwards and drilled a shot across the ‘keeper. The ball hit the join of post and side-netting, on its way high into the far side of the goal. Enfield were back on level terms, leaving Wingate and Finchley needing to win by more than 5 goals to go above us. Inconceivable, surely! "We're champ-yons of Eur-ope; we know what we are". A brief explanation may be required here, for the uninitiated. Enfield are the current holders of the Supporters Direct Cup, played between fan-owned clubs, having successfully defended their title by beating off YB SK Beveren of Belgium, pre-season. Hence their hyperbolic, euphoric chanting.

At 1-1, and with nothing at stake but their pride, it wasn't clear why the home side would indulge in time-wasting tactics; but that was exactly what their ‘keeper was booked for, after 43 minutes. With the first-half almost over, Enfield then had a couple of corners in quick succession, one of them hitting the Cray bar. Was this a cryptic clue or subliminal half-time advice for the visiting fans? It is certainly advice they were shortly to follow with relish; but not before the Cray ‘keeper was given a second stern talking-to, this time for dissent; lucky not to receive a second yellow card and his marching orders. The ref. was starting to have some trouble controlling a physical game, with plenty of ‘needle’ developing. He sensibly decided it was at last time for a break and a quick exit. Half-time score: 1-1. Half-time entertainment: provided by Status Quo’s Greatest Hits … although most of the tracks aired through the stadium tannoy system had never been hits and weren’t all that "great". Perhaps the announcer was simply setting up a musical joke at the travelling fans' expense; making a musical comment on Enfield’s survival chances, as we ‘enjoyed’ Rossi and Parfitt intoning (rhymes with droning) "Down, Down (deeper and down)". Was Division One still beckoning us, then?

The second half continued much where the first half had left off, with lots of Enfield pressure and plenty of decent chances on the Cray goal; but little meaningful end-result to show for it. Some away fans turned their nervous attentions to events elsewhere at the foot of the league. In a game where (perhaps uniquely?) both sides went by the nickname of “The Rocks”, things were turning ugly for Enfield. After 70 minutes, Thurrock had over-turned a 0-2 deficit to take the lead against Bognor. With Enfield still only level at lowly and out-classed Cray, those complicated and shifting maths meant that Finchley and Wingate would still need to win by more than 5 goals to send Enfield down. Surely we could rely on Billericay Dicky; but, no. Late in their home game, Finchley's score was poised dangerously at 5-0, our local rivals having reached the brink of achieving the inconceivable.

With just over a quarter of an hour remaining, it was centre-back Doyle who brought some much-needed calm to proceedings in Bromley. Somewhat surprisingly, he put matters firmly back in Enfield’s own hands - and in some style. A free-kick on the left was floated into the Cray box. After a bit of pin-ball style action, the ball fell to Doyle. With his back to goal on the 6-yard line, he turned majestically and shot with aplomb - and with his right foot. His effort was deflected upwards by a desperately lunging defender's outstretched leg, on the line; but only into the roof of the Cray net. Scoreline: 1-2; and, if Enfield could hold on to that narrow lead, results elsewhere would be irrelevant to their Premiership status. Joy was almost unconfined as Doyle celebrated (at first alone and in uncertain style) before wheeling towards the delirious away fans behind the goal, to share in the emotions of the moment. It was Doyle’s second goal in successive games – and only his 2nd in total for the club, after 18 appearances in his first season. His timing is very good - his goal celebrations were less so!

Nervous tension epitomised much of the remaining match-time, despite the away fans' hubristic singing: "A-gain. We'll never play you a-gain!". Cray were still intent on upsetting Enfield's avoiding-relegation party. They brought on former Southend United youngster Acheampong, for James-Lewis. Town kept carrying the attack to the home side, however; and, as the clock ticked down, increasingly sent play towards the corner flags. It wasn't pretty; but it was keeping us in the league. With ‘normal’ time running out and ‘abnormal’ stoppage time already in play, Cray’s Fitzgerald inexplicably took out Whiteley, off the ball, just a few yards outside the penalty area, on the left and in clear sight of the referee. His action was deemed unnecessarily crude. A yellow card was flourished; and it turned out to be Fitzgerald’s second of the game. The number 5 shrugged in disbelief, uttered all of the obligatory expletives and trudged the lonely walk of shame back towards the home dressing room; head bowed and shoulders hunched. Could 10-man Cray now succeed where 11-man Cray had not? Buoyed by this unexpected additional advantage, the volume of Towners fans’ celebrations increased, to help ensure the Cray players remained stunned and crushed by latest developments. A few more prolonged visits to the Cray corner flags followed; but it transpired there were no more surprises in store. When the referee blew the final whistle of Enfield’s season, The Towners had done the bare minimum required in their final game, just enough to avoid the dreaded drop; by grinding out only their fourth away win of the season. One goal (and the resulting two additional points) have rarely seemed such a narrow margin. Away team thoughts could now finally turn safely towards celebration – and next season. The manager’s thoughts could turn to a summer of training, rebuilding and strengthening. Just how many of those tired faces, now busy jubilantly applauding their travelling fans, could look forward to another season in Enfield Town’s starting line-up, only that fickle friend time (and George Borg) can tell.

Cruelly, while Enfield Town were passing their maths test and going to the top of the class and securing another season in the Ryman Premier League, my ‘other’ Premier League team, Fulham, were quietly being asked to re-sit their own maths test again next week, away at Stoke, after giving up a perfectly good (and seemingly healthy)  two-goal lead at home to Hull City. That is a particularly worrying development. Fulham have been bad at Football maths all this long season; but they have ALWAYS been rubbish at Rugby maths. Come on you Whites!

Enfield Town       (1) 2             Lockie 39, Doyle 74

Cray Wanderers (1) 1             Vines 10

Attendance: 318

Cray Wanderers: Darren Behcet, Ugo Udoji, Nathan Simpson, Merrick James-Lewis (Duane Afori-Acheampong 76), Max Fitzgerald, Dmitri Larin, Giannoulis Fakino, Alex Stavrinou, Paul Vines, Jordan Bird, Adrian Stone.

Subs not Used: Saul Otobo, Richard Monan, Michale Akande,

Booked: Behcet, Fitzgerald, Larin.

Sent Off: Fitzgerald.

Enfield Town: James Chalk (Lee White 36), Jordan Lockie, Joe Stevens, Ryan Doyle, Mark Kirby, Michael Ewang(Tyler Campbell 66), Nathan Livings, Bradley Quinton, Liam Hope, Jamie Richards, Corey Whitely.

Subs Not Used: Smyth, Hahn, Kalu.

Booked: Richards

Photo's:

1) Ball or balloon? It looks as though Enfield are going to sneak in an early, go-ahead goal, un-noticed at the far post. A mean-spirited Grinch of a linesman was later seen stamping on a bevy of balloons swirling around his tiger feet. 

2) A 'tired and emotional', yet highly vocal, Towners fan opts for uncoventional head-gear. 

Possibly as defence against the maddening Kentish sun.

3) Lockie (#2, in foreground) embarks on the over-lapping run that will result in Enfield's deserved equaliser, after good probing work by Livings (#7, front centre, with ball).

4) Whitely (with ball) goes past the Cray defence once again. Manager George Borg (standing, grey hair and dark blue club tracksuit) looks on appreciatively from the edge of his dug-out.

5) Doyle (at right) wheels away celebrating Enfield's lead, completing a full 360-degree clockwise circuit (being, as yet, unused to goal celebrations). Has he secured safety?

 6) ... before eventually locating and joining jubilant away fans (top of head just visible amidst the throng). Even the referee seems keen on joining in the NOT-relegation party.

 7) "The Press" had turned out in great number ... the number being a great big 'ONE'.

8 ) Late, corner-flag-bound action from Enfield Town. The ref knows where we're heading.

 9) Stewards (in hi-vis jackets) are called upon to join in the celebratory singing. Somewhat surprisingly, they did so - with a good humour not matched by their surly, night-club-doorman demeanours.

10) Whitely is taken out "agriculturally" off the ball by Fitzgerald, in added time. 

The referee has a clear, if  somewhat distant, view. Oops!

11) Whiteley (#11) gets even better-acquainted with the corner flag, after being up-ended, unceremoniously and unintelligently, nearby (yet again!) as the shadows lengthen.

Premier League survival is secured... painfully.

See that final Ryman Isthmian Premier League table in full here. Fans of Cray Wanderers F.C. may prefer to look away now: 

http://www.enfieldtownfootballclub.co.uk/s/table-65370.html?table=division-7573

                                   

A Final Day Maths exam: Enfield Town hope to pass with flying colours

Some people might feel that it is good for football fans to feel engaged and to feel their team is still involved in meaningful fixtures, at the end of a long season.” Towners” might beg to differ with that view, after a miserable, error-strewn last home game of the season, which should have seen them secure their League survival, rather than deliver a wretched defeat to lowly visitors and fellow-relegation rivals East Thurrock United. Enfield Town fans could be forgiven for having spent the last few days in desperate spells of long-forgotten school mathematics, with their shoes and socks removed for helpful digit counting. Arithmetic, algebra and probability have been the keys to settling pre-match nerves, ahead of our final day visit to already-relegated Cray Wanderers. Adding up and subtracting the columns of points earned and goals scored and conceded; working out the value of the missing integer represented by “X”; calculating likelihood of all three relevant results aligning.

Confusingly, tomorrow’s opponents, Cray Wanderers, play at Bromley F.C., in the absence of floodlighting at their Oxford Road home. As mentioned last week, Cray is one of the oldest football clubs in the world, established in 1860. It also has a surprisingly international roster of players. Perhaps they are lured by the glitz and glamour of all that footballing history … but perhaps not! Their squad boasts players from Egypt, Ivory Coast, Estonia, The Republic of Ireland, Jamaica, St. Vincent & the Grenadines, Antigua and Barbuda, Greece, Cyprus and the Netherlands - a veritable footballing United Nations, indeed. Let’s just hope they are able to keep the peace tomorrow, for Enfield’s sake.

At first glance, things look very tight. Two teams each sit just two points behind Enfield in the Ryman Isthmian Premier League table. Both have home games, while Enfield are on the road. No other clubs are involved in this 11th-hour scramble to avoid relegation. One side (last week’s visiting conquerors, East Thurrock United) has a Goal Difference +7 better than the Towners; the other (Wingate & Finchley) is -5 goals worse off. Either or both teams could potentially win their games and go ahead of Enfield in the table; and both must do so to consign Town to the dreaded ‘drop’, back whence they came. But wait! Enfield also have that final game remaining. So their fate remains entirely in their own hands. A win will see them remain comfortably safe, in 19th place. A draw will be enough to see them fight on next season in the Premier League, even if both their rivals win; as long as Wingate & Finchley do NOT beat 10th-placed Billericay Town by more than 5 goals. Thurrock must beat 2nd-placed Bognor Town, who are already assured of a play-off berth. Meanwhile, there is a good omen for Town fans: Cray have lost their last 5 fixtures, home and away.

It's all to play for still and definitely ‘exciting’, then; but the laws of probability still seem in favour of Enfield’s survival hopes; and in favour of at least a ‘pass’ in this forthcoming public examination. Come on, you Towners!

See the current league table at:
http://www.enfieldtownfootballclub.co.uk/s/table-65370.html

"After the Lord Mayor's show ..." - Enfield Town versus East Thurrock United

Enfield Town F. C. versus East Thurrock United F. C.
(Monday 21st April, 2014 - 3pm kick-off)

As trailered earlier today, East Thurrock were today's visitors to the QEII Stadium, in Enfield - which is topical, since their name starts with the first four letters of "Easter". They were perched precariously, like a fragile Easter egg on the chocolate trap-door of relegation, five points below Enfield Town at the start of play, with two remaining games in which to save their season. If you ever bother to look up East Thurrock on-line, as I did today for the very first time, you'll find out precious little about the place, beyond its non-League football club and its medical centre. The club's ground is named picturesquely enough (Rookery Hill, Corringham) but is located just a couple of clicks West of Canvey Island - beyond Stanford-le-Hope. Clearly there is not much else to do in Thurrock beyond filling prescriptions and watching local football - or the ships coming and going in the Thames Estuary. With the few visiting fans (were there as many as eight in the away end?) perhaps still looking out for local shipping movements, the Towners took the lead as early as the first minute in today's Titanic relegation struggle at Donkey Lane. A flick in by defender Ryan Doyle at the near post after a corner taken from the right was enough to do the damage below Thurrock's water-line. It was his first goal for teh club, in his 17th appearance. His timing is good!

Unfortunately, that was more or less the home side's only contribution of note to a one-sided first half which saw their close rivals, "The Rocks", take an unexpected 1-4 lead into the break. By 4.55pm, Town's opponents had closed up to within 2 points of them, near the bottom of the Ryman Premier League table, with a far superior Goal Difference tally and with just one game left each. After 3 back-to-back wins in early April, Enfield have experienced a mini-slump. With recent form of drawn-lost-drawn-lost and after a predictable, battling 0-2 win by fellow strugglers Wingate & Finchley, away at Leiston today, Enfield Town go into next weekend's last round of games still needing a win to absolutely ensure Premier League survival for next season. They will face already-relegated Cray Wanderers, away; where a point SHOULD probably still be enough to clinch survival, due to Wingate & Finchley's own inferior (by -5) Goal Difference. But The Beautiful Game is also, notoriously, "a funny old game".

There was a somewhat festive pre-match party atmosphere in the ground; with a beer tent doing brisk trade, as well as the upstairs club bar and the regular fast-food concession trailer. An expectant crowd of 662 had turned out to see events unfold. Not bad, considering the average home attendance has been just 385 this season - although that has till been the 7th best in the league. Back in 1864, in his book "Indian Gleanings and Thoughts of the Past", railway manager George Waters paraphrased an old proverb when he wrote: "as is usual on all such occasions, after gaiety comes squalor; or, as we observe in respect to the annual pageant of the City of London that "after the Lord Mayor's Show comes a donkey-cart"." Yes, as Boris Johnson probably knows only too well, bringing up the rear of the Lord Mayor's Show annually is a team whose job is to clean up the manure of the pageant's horses.Well, unfortunately, you'd need a pretty big donkey cart to clear up Enfield Town's mess after today's game.

Scoring in the first minute should have opened the flood-gates; and it did exactly that - but at the 'wrong' end. Hapless replacement goal keeper James Chalk, providing cover for regular stopper Noel Imber who had dislocated his shoulder in Town's previous potential "6-pointer", provided a master class in how NOT to keep goal in an important fixture. He looked as nervous as a Gloucestershire badger on hearing simultaneous news of an authorised cull and a new motorway, as he fluffed his lines and flapped at a series of hopeful Thurrock balls into the box. By half-time, the home side were probably happy only to be 1 - 4 down. Chalk had started 6 previous fixtures this season for Enfield; but you would hardly have guessed it, as he palmed one weak floated cross into his own net for an o.g. It was the cherry on a highly indigestible Bank Holiday cake. Despite the poor fare on offer, the large, partisan crowd kept up their normal vociferous support, unperturbed by what might follow.

Miraculously, after the break, Town shored up their defence, exposed the young goalie understudy somewhat less often and Chalk kept a clean sheet for the second 45 minutes ... that is excluding only a follow-up effort from a penalty which he had saved well - but which then fell kindly for Thurrock's alert Lewis Smith, on 74 minutes. The home side bossed the second half almost completely and 'won' it 2-1. At 2-4 down, Enfield created a string of chances which were narrowly missed, damaging the visiting 'keeper's nose in the process; but the footballing damage had already been done and that follow-up from a softly-awarded penalty was the crucial coup de grace, making the score 2 - 5 prior to Liam Hope's injury time consolation for the Towners (his 101st goal for teh club, apparently). Final score: Enfield Town 3 - East Thurrock United FC 5. It reads like an 8-goal Thriller ... but was really more of a Nightmare on Elm Street, carrying an X-rated certificate for goalies everywhere. Callum's view of all this? He says he couldn't watch it every week; and I don't think that's due to the extreme nature of the tension experienced.

The result? It will be 'squeaky bum' time all over again on the road next weekend, at the aptly-named Courage Stadium, which Cray Wanderers currently share with Bromley FC. And while Cray Wanderers F.C.may well be one of the oldest football clubs in the world (established as long ago as 1860, even before George Waters had published his book) after five straight defeats in their most recent games, they have already been relegated from the Ryman Isthmian Premier League this season - and consigned prematurely to the donkey cart of football history. After the match, Town's key striker Liam Hope tweeted "We ain't making this easy. A week of focus now". Indeed, next week, Enfield will be focussing on avoiding Cray's fate and not joining them in the Donkey-drome cart full of horse shi...

The good news? Enfield Town's Premier League survival continues to rest very much on their own hands. Though I suspect they'll probably be quite happy if Cal stays away from their next game!

The following pictures, taken by our ace photo-journalist show:

1) The dug-outs, running track, beer tent, fast-food concession & upstairs club bar at the
prestigious QEII Stadium (notice the bar area's up-market, flag-bedecked sun terrace).

2) Yet another ball descends from on high into The Rocks' goal area. 

3) The sign over the club's turnstiles (yes, we have more than one!) before today's game...

or was it afterwards? How would you tell the difference?

4) Enfield's indefatigable Man-of-the-Match, Corey Whitely, has finally had enough... and hails a passing taxi he's just spotted (at extreme right).

How many home fans must have wished they had seen it first.

Ahead of the Premier League's Exciting Dénouement: Enfield Town FC versus East Thurrock United

It is Bank Holiday Monday, just after noon local time, and I am contemplating making my irregular, short journey to Donkey Lane. The lavishly appointed QEII Stadium sits by London's famous A10 arterial route, formerly the famous haunt of stage coaches and Dick Turpin. This refurbished and now ultra-modern sporting venue contrasts with the area's dark and turbulent past and will today play host to Enfield Town FC's final home fixture of the Ryman Isthmian Premier League season. My son, Callum, is threatening to join me for his first ever Towners match. This may well be a good omen for the home side. When I took Cal along to his first ever football match, aged not quite 7 (Norwich City 0 - Fulham FC 1, in August 2000) he was 'our' lucky mascot; and that early-season away win was the prelude to Fulham securing the Division 1 (2nd tier) title with a then-record 101 points. Today, very different footballing fare will be on offer.

Enfield Town have struggled again this year, in just their second season at this exalted level of English football. Last season, the club finished 16th in the league (out of 24 sides) on 44 points. Five months ago, after another poor start, the club management sacked Steve Newing, who had successfully raised Enfield out of the Ryman League One North, via the play-offs, as recently as April 2012. He was replaced by George Borg, not a member of that alien race which features as recurring antagonists in various incarnations of the Star Trek franchise, but a 'journeyman' manager whose career has included Football League experience and has taken him to Barking, Chelmsford City, Chesham United, Harrow Borough, Enfield (that's the 'other' Enfield-based club), Aldershot Town, Billericay Town, Hornchurch and Braintree Town. His playing days included stints at Millwall, Wycombe Wanderers, Maidstone United, Dartford, Dulwich Hamlet, South Africa's Cape Town City and Carolina Lightning in the United States - where he turned out alongside Rodney Marsh and Bobby Moore. So Borg is an experienced exponent of The Beautiful Game, as played at this level. He was well-regarded by the club's management and fans alike, even before his arrival and, having successfully established his new regime, he has turned Enfield Town into one of the form sides in the league, with only one defeat (and with a healthy 11 points secured) in their last 6 games.

That recent run of good form has put Enfield in charge of their own destiny today; something that seemed highly unlikely at the start of last month, when they were staring relegation glumly in the face. Now sitting comparatively comfortably in 19th place, with 48 points, Town have already earned 4 points more than in last season's campaign, with 2 games left to play. Such has been the strength and fighting spirit of the rival clubs around them this year, however, that total is not yet sufficient to clinch Premier League survival for next season. Five points and just one place clear of today's opposition and with only one further league game to play (away next weekend at already-relegated Cray Wanderers) Town need at least one point from the game to ensure they maintain their current status for at least another year. And they would probably be pleased to know that Fulham's lucky 6-year-old mascot from August 2000 is poised to be in the stands cheering them on today, even with his now semi-permanent scruffy beard and student ennui. Tempus fugit, they say. Certainly time (and tide) waits for no man; and, sure enough, right now the clock is ticking down towards 3pm. Come On, You Towners!

Being "a neutral" ... is that even possible? Ahead of Fulham versus Norwich (12/4/14)

Three weeks ago today, I went along to watch Norwich City play Sunderland at Carrow Road, as a ‘neutral’. Now, a journey of 110 miles each way might seem like a long old distance for a neutral to venture, from Enfield to Norwich; but I have form in this area, having in my dim and distant past travelled frequently to games meaningless to me but which held far greater significance for a close college buddy, Nick. I had at least four good reasons for heading up to Norfolk:

1) I was invited along by a good friend and former work colleague, Mike. He travelled even further than me – about 170 miles each way, from Farnham, in Surrey - and does so regularly, when family commitments and amassed ‘brownie points’ allow. We had a great day out and a good catch-up on the long round-trip. He shared shock news about leaving his job after more than 20 years with one of the UK’s best known FMCG businesses. I shared less shocking news about leaving my job with one of the least known UK businesses after less than 7 months. In my defence, I do work as an interim manager, though. Until now, Mike has not done so.
2) My son, Callum, is studying medieval something-or-other at the University of East Anglia, in Norwich. So I was able to catch up with him over lunch and make sure he had had at least one good meal that week.
3) Both of these teams were sitting in the lower half of the table. It would be interesting to see how each side performed, ahead of the end of season run-in in, so as to assess (more in hope than expectation) their respective chances of ‘avoiding the drop’ - and Fulham's faint ones.
4) I just love football. It is, after all, the beautiful game. As a player of limited capabilities in my younger days, I was known by some as ‘have boots, will travel’. I have played in a large number of different Saturday and Sunday leagues across the South of England – and even watched a fair few games from the side-lines at that level, too. As a spectator I may now be acquiring a similar reputation: ‘have spare time, will travel’. It’s true that I am happy to go and watch just about any team play. This season’s oddest fixture selection so far was probably St. Albans Town FC vs. Mansfield Town, in an early round of the FA Cup. For those interested in such details, it turned into a spanking for the junior, part-time, home side, despite their early go-ahead goal and plucky effort. I’m happy to make these trips when I don’t already have plans to get along to watch either Fulham FC or my local side, Enfield Town FC. Today though, I am pre-booked for more important stuff.

Both of ‘my’ teams are Premier League outfits, of course. The first (whom I've been following since 1976) plays in the Barclay's Premier League; the other (who I've been following for just 3 seasons) plays in the Ryman Isthmian Premier League. At times this year, it has been difficult to tell (on the quality of play) which was the more senior of the two teams, as each has struggled at the foot of their respective league tables. Anyway, back to my Premier League travels.

Norwich City FC 2 - 0 Sunderland AFC
BARCLAYS PREMIER LEAGUE, 22/3/2014 15:00
My short match report reads something like this: “Norwich were by far the better side, in an uneven contest”. The game was probably most memorable for a late sending off which could have come much earlier in the match, for the away side and a couple of very well-taken goals. Marcos Alonso was dismissed for a second yellow card offence two minutes into added time. Arguably, he could have ‘walked’ much earlier in the second half, to give Norwich a chance of the proverbial (and more-appropriate-than-usual) “Turkey Shoot”. As it was, Canaries fans had to make do with a tidy Snodgrass finish from 8 yards out, after good and unselfish work by Elmander (yes, that’s right “good and unselfish work” by the often under-performing Swede) and a goal of the season contender from the unsung Alexander Tettey; a volley from 30 yards out, beating a good ‘keeper.

On the same day, Fulham were taking their latest 'right caning', this time at the Etihad; FIVE goals for Man City, taking our ‘Goals Against’ column up to 70, with 7 games still to go. The Carrow Road result had seemed more or less irrelevant. These were two teams with surely too much going for them to be troubled by any relegation worries or to be over-taken by Fulham … weren’t they?

Three weeks on and today (Saturday 12th April) I am preparing myself mentally and physically for the gruelling demands of Norwich City’s visit to Craven Cottage, in what must surely be one of the clearest “6-pointers” of the season. Mike will be bringing Tom, his 7 year-old lad, for his first taste of professional football. Mike’s Carrow Road season ticket buddy and co-conspirator, Giles, will also be joining us. Since I had already made the two adults sit in the Johnny Haynes stand for Norwich’s visit (and comfortable defeat) in the FA Cup replay, back in January, today I have made the concession of getting us tickets in the Neutrals area. Too close to the away fans for my comfort, really and my singing may be frustratingly curtailed; but I'm not planning on being a neutral at THIS Norwich City game.

I am hoping that Felix Magath’s rejuvenated boys keep up their momentum today from last week’s away win at the Villa (our first there in top flight football since 1066, I believe). While I’ll also be looking for Norwich to maintain their poor run of away form (they have lost their last six away league games - and 12 of their 16 away league matches in total, so far this season) under hastily appointed new manager, Neil Adams. The new Canaries boss has already stated his view (to BBC Norfolk) that today’s game is “NOT a decider … It's a massive game and if we win it, we do ourselves no harm at all. But it isn't a must-win because there are four more games."

Does anyone else think Adams is just trying to manage fans’ expectations ahead of a nervous first game in charge; setting the scene for wins against Liverpool, Manchester United, Chelsea & Arsenal? He is wrong about it not being a decider, of course; but who can blame him for his pre-match diversionary tactics? Perhaps cruelly(?) I’m selfishly hoping that young Tom experiences the bitter taste of Norwich defeat in his first game – and becomes a die-hard Whites fan. If he doesn’t, I’ll probably be enjoying the delights of The Cottage on a wet Wednesday against Brentford, next season.

And now it's time to think about catching that train ...

Post Script:
Ahead of this game, I joked with a US-based buddy, only slightly untruthfully: "It is forecast to be a fine day down by the river ... we never lose when the sun shines and I'm in the stands! A win will put us just 2 points behind Norwich, with a better run-in of games to the end of the season."
And so it turned out. I DID catch that train. It WAS A sunny day, down by the river. We DID see a home win; which was a defeat for Mike, Giles & Tom's Canaries in the latter's first ever live game. All of which suggests I should go along to The Cottage more often; and Fulham should invest in a shaman to try and improve the weather for home games. The result left Fulham sitting just 2 points behind Norwich, salivating at the prospect of their rivals' difficult run-in, against some of the League's strongest teams.
Will it be enough to make Tom a Cottager, though? Only time (and his Dad!) will tell.

"Bugger Bognor!" (King George V) - The Ryman Isthmian Premier League Dénouement

Enfield Town F. C. versus Bognor Regis Town F. C.
(Thursday 3rd April, 2014 - 7:45pm kick-off)

With the end of the Ryman Premier League season looming large (and also as a result of this winter’s freak, wet weather conditions and the consequent large number of cancelled games) fixtures are now coming thick and fast at Enfield Town FC. Not unlike their young wingers, an unkind wag might opine - and not unlike those famous, red, London buses which ply their trade up and down the A10 nearby. You wait weeks for the chance to see a game – and then several come along all at once. So last night (Thursday 3rd April) saw The Towners play their 3rd game in 5 days; with their next match scheduled for tomorrow (Saturday, to make it 4 in just 7 days). That’s when they will take on basement dwellers Carshalton Athletic, with hopes of notching just their 3rd away victory of the season. Before then, there was the small matter of taking on the league’s 4th-placed promotion-chasers, Bognor Regis Town FC.

Regular followers of my Enfield Town coverage will probably already be aware that the club’s “Donkey-drome” Queen Elizabeth II Stadium (in Donkey Lane) adjoins Enfield’s old King George V Playing Fields, located just a few hundred yards east of the town centre and railway station. Those fields were established and named as a legacy of the much loved King, after his passing, in 1936 (see http://www.fieldsintrust.org/KGV.aspx) giving the late monarch a strong, permanent link to the town. Apocryphally, it was King George V who also uttered those immortal words “Bugger Bognor!” - perhaps making him the earliest Enfield Town fan of all, a full 78 years ahead of last night’s visit by that other town’s footballing representatives, “The Rocks”. Only a week earlier, the Towners had secured just their 2nd away victory of the season in what local newspaper The Enfield Advertiser described as “one of their best performances of the season”, securing all three points at Billericay. That great result had, however, been followed by two narrow defeats, which had kept the club and its fans looking nervously over their shoulders at the performances of the few clubs below them.

A respectable sized crowd of 375 turned out on this mild, early Spring evening under the famous floodlights. Around 25 of those appeared to be long-distance travelling fans of Bognor, hoping for further evidence of their side’s promotion credentials as the reward for their 220 mile mid-week round-trip. Before kick-off, various blue and white flags were flying proudly for Enfield; and the chants were mostly of the “We – are – staying up, said we are stay-ing up” variety. Some of the pre-match chatter surrounded the appearance for the visitor’s of ‘experienced’ former-pro, 38 year-old Sammy Igoe (on loan from Gosport Borough; but previously of Portsmouth, Reading, Luton, Swindon, Millwall, Bristol Rovers, Hereford, Bournemouth and sundry other clubs … how the mighty fall!). My eye, however, was caught more by the presence in the home line-up of young winger Raheem Sterling-Parker, whose resemblance to the similarly-named Liverpool youngster and full England international, alas, ended right there. He is on loan NOT from Merseyside but from Borehamwood FC (admittedly two areas where the life-expectancy of a hub cub is roughly similar).

Perhaps buoyed by their fans’ extremely vocal support, the home side started brightly – if all too briefly. Indeed, for the first 5 minutes it would have been difficult to discern which side was the relegation and which the promotion candidates, as both teams tried to impose some rhythm and authority on the game. Enfield had more immediate possession; and their fans responded with a lusty rendition of “The Great Escape” theme tune. It is unclear whether Elmer Bernstein would have fully appreciated their tribute to his art.

There followed a brief singing competition between Towners fans and their opposite numbers; though, in the latter’s case, it genuinely seemed more like a distant duet than a proper duel. The result was a derisory “Is – that all - you take a-way?” (sung to “Bread of Heaven”) and the more astute “Sh*t pitch – no fans” repeated several times to the refrain of the chimes of Big Ben. The home supporters were clearly in good heart and good voice. So much so, in fact, that the resident drummer felt confident enough to attempt an adventurous, irregular beat – which fell, predictably, entirely flat. The crowd’s response to this rhythmic invitation was both underwhelming and confused – a state that was soon to translate to their team’s performance on the pitch. With the early vocal sparring well under way, it was time to turn attention more squarely to the goings on upon that pitch.

Just 9 minutes in, Corey Whitely raked a low shot across goal, after driving in from the left. It continued well wide of the Bognor goal; but was Town’s first move of meaningful menace. It heralded a half-hour to be dominated by their visitors. In the 15th minute there was a ‘robust’ passage of competitive play deep on Enfield’s right, eventually resulting in Bognor’s Terry Dodd taking a dramatic tumble in the box. No penalty, to sighs of home relief. Bognor were starting to look the more organised and well-disciplined side - and generally the better team. Two minutes later, their swift move down the right saw a low cross smothered gratefully by Enfield’s trusty ‘keeper, Noel Imber. In the next minute another break-away, in which Enfield’s left-back got himself in a tangle and tumbled to the ground, left Dodd alone with another clear chance on goal. Luckily, his weak strike was hit straight at Imber.

The balance of play was shifting ever in the visitors’ favour, while Enfield were making successive rash clearances and failing to keep possession. Two minutes later and there was more combination play down Enfield’s left, as Bognor’s Dodd played in a hopeful cross for Wills to chase. The home side’s problems were clear and they took action to rectify. Joe Stevens put some better defensive work together, after his unpromising start. In the 22nd minute, he cleared one useful ball to Hope, who played it out wide for the galloping right back, Jordan Lockie, to chase; earning a corner. Before it could be taken though, proceedings were thrown into temporary disarray as the referee, a Mr. Leach, limped to the touchline and off to the dressing room, never to be seen again. Then came the tannoy announcement Jimmy Hill would have loved: “Would anyone who is a qualified linesman please make themselves known to club officials?”

The restless crowd enjoyed the change of theme this turn of events allowed for their chanting. “Can – we have – a ref – a - reeee?” and “Use - our flags - to run - the line” (both sung to “Bread of Heaven”, again) the latter sung simultaneously with some enthusiastic twirling by those in charge of the big club flags; “All We Need’s a Ref” (to “All You Need is Love”). To drown them out, club officials initiated some entertaining popular music through the public address system, starting with Chubby’s Checker’s “The Twist”. This choice merely resulted in an even louder chorus from home fans - this time requesting that visiting ‘keeper, Anthony Ender, should give an impromptu interpretation of the eponymous dance style, for the crowd’s delight and delectation. His sullen refusal led to a resounding “He’s got his I – Q – on his shirt” (to “Got the Whole World in His Hands”). Next through the speakers came “R.E.S.P.E.C.T.” by Aretha Franklin; something that was, clearly, sadly lacking for Bognor’s goalie.

With one of the linesmen now installed as replacement referee and a new, substitute "line-o" on the pitch (dug only semi-willing from the crowd and resplendently decked out in official kit) the game resumed after an 8 minute break. The corner was immediately ordered to be re-taken, to choruses of “You don’t – know what – you’re do – ing” and “Can – we have – a ref – a ree” (again). The re-take was sent straight back out by Bognor's defence; so a third ensued. This time Ender flapped at the resulting deep cross, perhaps belatedly giving his interpretation of “The Twist”, in mid-air? Play broke to the far end, where a scrambled clearance gave Bognor a corner. Central defender Craig Robson notched simply, with a powerful header from Igoe's well-placed cross. One-Nil to the visitors, with 32 minutes gone; and a noticeably deflated home crowd, despite the defiant taunting of “Con - so – lay – tion – goal”, chanted to the refrain of “Chirpie-Chirpie Cheap-Cheap”.

A few minutes later Ender was flapping at another Lockie cross from Enfield’s right. The ball fell invitingly to absolutely no-one, in the absence of any white-shirted players following up for the second ball. The keeper was able to gather and release yet another Bognor foray. In subsequent attacks, Igoe hit the crossbar and centre forward Dan Thompson appeared to have a shot cleared off the line. A hopeful Enfield penalty appeal was turned down after 43 minutes by the substitute ref and linesman. After 50 minutes of the first half, a much clearer penalty shout was again not upheld, as Sterling-Parker was tripped by the retreating number 5 Stuart Axten - with the added insult of the midfielder being warned by the recently promoted official to “stay on your feet” … which is generally considered a difficult request, when somebody else has put fresh air between them and the ground. Clearly the ref was aware of the assessor watching the game from the stand. It was the last meaningful action of the first half. Enfield’s players trudged off in search of inspiration, while the home fans trudged off towards the Real Aberdeen Angus Burgers stall (“Real Fresh Tasty Food”) and / or the bar.

Your correspondent noticed a new-ish vinyl banner adorning the perimeter railings, emblazoned with the downright lie: “Nick de Bois, MP – on your side”. Interestingly, Nick is not on our side when it comes to the closure of the local Chase Farm Hospital A&E department. Both he AND David Cameron (yes, that’s the actual Prime Minister of the UK) had made direct and specific personal commitments on national TV to prevent its closure, prior to the last general election. Duly installed in power, BOTH had conveniently forgotten those nuisance promises and closed it; meaning that a seriously injured player would need to be ambulanced several miles further away, through North London’s congested streets, to the nearest remaining ER, for assessment and treatment… such an inconvenient truth; and such shame-faced liars both.
By the time of the re-start, mists were forming on the North side of the ground, barely kept at bay by the light, swirling Southern breezes. A dedicated runner was seen completing laps around the encompassing athletics track assisted by the football floodlights, a veritable blur of long white socks, lycra shorts and pink top, seemingly entirely oblivious to the nail-biting excitement and entertainment on show within. Based on Enfield’s first half performance, her antipathy may have been well-placed. The home side emerged for the second half, however, entirely altered; enlivened by their pee-break and the warm words of manager George Borg ringing in their ears.

Early exchanges went in Enfield’s favour, culminating a wild shot from the right by Jamie Smyth, after good work from Sterling-Parker, and a soft shot by Jamie Richards from centre left edge of the penalty area. Just 7 minutes after the break came the deserved break-through. A strong run and cross from the left by Corey Whitely seemed to find Liam Hope, whose apparent glancing header flew across the keeper and into the far side of the goal. I made a quick note to self, regarding making an opticians appointment, as the tannoy announced an own goal by Bognor’s otherwise-stalwart central defender, Stuart Axten. One-One!
The footballing tide seemed to have turned and, for most of the remainder of the game, Enfield appeared to have the upper hand - but without the necessary penetration in the final third. Five minutes after the equaliser, a Hope free kick from the left-hand edge of the box went marginally wide of the right-hand post. Two minutes late, Hope was again causing problems as he hit the corner angle of the goal frame from 8 yards out, with the keeper beaten at his near post. A Midfield stalemate ensued for the next 10 minutes, broken up only by Bognor substitutions, as the management team sought to break Enfield’s increasing dominance, and by an outbreak of “hand-bags” between Sterling-Parker and a couple of Bognor defenders – which briefly threatened to erupt into an ugly melee.

Nearly 70 minutes into the game, Bognor's Harvey Whyte had cause to rue the deceitful lying of those local and national career politicians. He was stretchered off the pitch to generous, warm applause, after another long delay to play, having awkwardly blocked an attempted cross by Jamie Richards from the right-hand side of the box. He had the unfortunate opportunity to test the predicted ambulance travel times to North Middlesex Hospital, on the distant North Circular Road – perhaps wishing that a number of un-named politicians had suffered heart attacks and/or strokes in the stadium, simultaneous with his own injury, to enable their own testing of journey times. The break was enlivened by further community singing. This time, a fair recital of The Beatles’ “Twist & Shout” along with repeated invitations to the visiting keeper to do the Twist. Phil Medley and Bert Berns might well have struggled to recognise their much-loved melody, though.
At the eventual restart, Ryan Doyle’s powerful header struck the bar from the resultant Enfield corner. Were Bognor living on borrowed time? Or would Enfield rue their many missed chances? After 75 minutes, Enfield were profligate yet again. Persistent work from Sterling-Parker created a chance in the centre for Jamie Richards, whose drive went just over. A minute later, more good work from Enfield’s number 8 created another chance, this time for Whitely, who could only manage a wild, hacked shot from left of centre.
With time running out, Michael Ewang was kept busy providing cover to kill off Bognor’s threat. A Jordan Lockie shot was deflected out for an 89th minute corner from the right. A floated, deep cross reached skipper Mark Kirby, just beyond the far post. The central defender’s powerful header down ricocheted in. Two – One!

Cue ecstatic celebrations by home fans and players alike. Bognor’s travelling fans had sung when they were winning; but there was little response from the far end now, beyond the dreaded creep for the gates and an early exit for the M25. “No songs – from the Butlin’s boys” and “Beds in the mor - ning; you’re making beds – in the mor – ning”. How we larrfed! Until the away side mustered all their energies for a final onslaught … which Enfield survived. With the various injuries to players and ref., the game had lasted 108 minutes. The Home side now found they still had enough energy to celebrate a famous win, as though they had just secured promotion. Richards grabbed the drum kit and gave an impromptu demonstration of how not to play it; but nobody cared how bad he was as a musician. “We – are – staying up, said we are stay-ing up”; and this time, the singing was delivered with more conviction than it had been 2 hours earlier. The club remains in a relegation dog-fight; but clearly this dog still has plenty of its teeth left and a fair bit of fighting spirit. Their four-point breathing-space near the bottom of the table was well-earned. As the Enfield Advertiser observed after the match, “Enfield Town ought to consider playing (more) regularly on a Thursday evening” - and Bognor's opener really HAD been a “Con - so – lay – tion – goal”, after all. But Saturday brings us to Carshalton Athletic.

Enfield Town: Noel Imber, Jordan Lockie, Joe Stevens, Ryan Doyle, Mark Kirby, Michael Ewang, Jamie Smyth, Raheem Sterling-Parker (Tyler Campbell 84), Liam Hope, Jamie Richards, Corey Whitely
Subs Not Used: Lee White, Bradley Quinton, Mitch Hahn, Nathan Livings.

Bognor Regis Town: Grant Smith, Paul Hinshelwood, James Crane, Doug Tuck, Stuart Axten, Craig Robson, Sammy Igoe, Kane Wills, Dan Thompson, Terry Dodd, Scott Chamberlain, Harvey Whyte, Ashley Harris, Ollie Pearce, Michael Weir, Dan Sackman