"I'd rather watch them on Ceefax"*

Be careful what you wish for, they sometimes say. Most (ahem) ‘older’ readers should need no reminding that the archaic Wimbledon reference in the title of this piece was NOT made by Virginia Wade, about the All-England Tennis Championships; but by Saint Gary of Lineker, about that South-West part of London’s old football club (now “MK Dons”) when they still were, arguably, a football club; and before all but about 5,000 of the world’s population hated them. It was the BBC Queen Mother of Football’s way of disapproving of the ‘unsophisticated’ playing style of Vinnie Jones’s and Dennis Wise’s “Crazy Gang”, Wimbledon FC – which was, supposedly, anathema to the football neutral. You may recall this was the team who pooped Liverpool’s Wembley party in 1988 and, in the words of another frequently quoted football pundit, “beat the Culture Club”**. Younger readers may want to check out this "Ceefax" thing, on their ‘phones, via its successor, at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ceefax

An old friend, re-visited: some names from ancient history feature (incl. Fulham's octogenarian sometime-midfielder, Scotty Parker).

This week, I had to make do with the modern equivalent of watching the football scores come in on Ceefax. Despite following Enfield Town through relative thick and thin this season, a rogue set of ladders decided to reschedule my weekend plans, last Wednesday night, by doing a passable impression of a bucking bronco, as I was about 4 feet up in the air, treating a garden fence. The result? “A non-displaced (that's pretty much the only 'good' news to be had) spiral fracture to the neck of the right foot’s 5^th metatarsal” … apparently. Oh, and no weight-bearing for 4-6 weeks. Brilliant! This crushing news didn’t feel quite as bad as crashing a 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California Spyder backwards, through plate-glass windows, into a deep ravine, uninsured; but it was a  pretty close thing***.

NOW the (air) boot's on the other foot!

Not one to be daunted by these little tests that life sometimes throws up for us, I saw this new development not as a problem; but as an opportunity. Rather than venturing to Donkey Lane and risking “displacing” my spiral fracture, in the heaving crowds bound to be attending Enfield Town’s final league game of the Regular Season, here was my great chance to experiment, on your behalf, with a twenty-first century update of the Gary Lineker challenge. What WOULD it really be like to follow The Towners progress, sat at home, in front of my computer, Ceefax-stylie? Necessity, after all, is often said to be the Mothers of Invention.

In fact, I was privileged enough to be able to double-up on my planned, radical, freaky, Saturday afternoon, computer screen, experiment action. Not only were Ryman Premier League form-side, The Towners, taking on Sizewell’s finest, at Donkey Lane; but also Championship form-side Fulham were on a road trip to fellow play-off place rivals, Huddersfield Town. Double-Trouble, perhaps? I was certainly nervous, on both counts. Never assume; but always believe!

Enfield Town vs. Leiston

Saturday 22nd April, 2017 - Ryman Premier League,  3pm k-o

AND

Huddersfield Town vs. Fulham

Sat. 22nd April, 2017 - English Football League Championship, 3pm k-o

There was much pre-match anticipation and hype around Enfield's match (see flyer, above). Town simply needed to avoid a home defeat, to secure their play-off berth. Whereas, with three games remaining, Fulham would also be hoping to avoid defeat to keep their own play-off hopes alive; but nothing would be decided, "on the day", so to speak. As matters unfolded, I would find myself flicking excitedly between the BBC Sport and Fulham websites (for coverage of the game at the John Smith’s Stadium) and between Enfield Town’s website and their facebook page, for tweeted updates from Donkey Lane.

It was just as well I had already sat down promptly, ahead of the day’s two big kick-offs. After re-tweeting good wishes from various local (and not so local) non-league sides AND our Belgian ‘twin’ club, Beveren, Town’s first match-coverage tweet of the day did not bode well: “Early scare for Town, as Kirby and McDonald get in a muddle and the Leiston forward almost capitalises: 0-0”. It was already rather too exciting, even from a mile away. Meanwhile, within four minutes, Fulham were already 1-0 down at Huddersfield, to a Chris Löwe penalty; after the German was fouled clumsily, if only slightly, in the area by covering Fulham winger, Floyd Ayité - who is nobody's idea of a defender. That’s NOT how things were supposed to go! Over at the QE II stadium, meanwhile, there were more nervous tweets being posted from the ground, as Leiston also showed that they’d forgotten to read the carefully-crafted Harney pre-match script.

The Cottagers have become a more resilient side, as this season has progressed. Huddersfield now found this fact out to their cost. Just after the quarter-hour mark, Fulham’s Scott Malone followed up on a loose ball on the left. He fired a left-footed shot across home ‘keeper Danny Ward, “from a difficult angle”, into the bottom right corner, to draw things level. In Enfield, it was also still level-pegging; but only just: “… the prolific Blake heads just over. Fast start from the visitors”. Back in Huddersfield, Ayité was busy making amends for his earlier error. With more than a hint of symmetry, he “draws a foul in the penalty area”, as Jonathan Hogg clumsily flattens him. He could have gone down under an earlier challenge; but he’s “too honest” for that. Fulham, however, have not had the best of records with their penalty taking this year; missing EIGHT out of the 11 awarded to them. Yes, that’s a success strike rate of just 27%. So the outcome of this latest penalty award was far from being a foregone conclusion. With a success rate of just 50% (1 from 2) Tom Cairney was, up to that point, the most successful of Fulham’s six different spot-kick takers, this term. Unsurprisingly, it was he who stepped up to take this kick; which he … confidently converted “with a left footed shot to the bottom right corner”: 1-2.

It was more difficult to gauge just how things were going at Donkey Lane, as tweets flip-flopped in their tone: “Town well on top now” … followed swiftly by “Saying that, the visitors have a strong shout for a penalty waved away”; and then the more balanced “Both sides attacking with numbers which is making for an exciting game, but the final ball has been lacking”. The Enfield crowd was announced: 812 – which was a new, all-time record home gate for a league match. Great financial news, at least; but it was soon followed by “Goal: ETFC 0-1 LFC. Looped header drops in at the far post. Big goal for the visitors”. By contrast, Fulham had been keeping their end of the bargain up, though. After 36 minutes, Stefan Johansen followed up a blocked Ryan Sessegnon effort with a “left footed shot from the left side of the box to the bottom right corner”: Huddersfield Town 1, Fulham 3. Just before half-time, The Cottagers appeared to have put early adversity behind them - and the game beyond Huddersfield’s reach - when Stefan Johansen scored his second, after dispossessing the luckless penalty conceder, Hogg, not far outside his own box: “left footed shot from the right side of the box to the bottom right corner”: Huddersfield Town 1, Fulham 4. The visitors in both games headed for the dressing rooms in seventh heaven. It was time to give up on events oop North and concentrate on Town’s efforts. With the score “Currently 0-0 between Wingate and Dulwich”, as things stood, “we've dropped out the play off places. Need a big second half”. Strewth – wasn’t that the truth!


"The Calm Before The Storm": it had all seemed so simple, before the game started! Enfield's pre-match changing room: a blue and white, obsessive-compulsive dream.

After the break, there was soon good news from the Champion Hill Stadium, as Town re-tweeted: “GOAL: Wingate & Finchley 0-1 DULWICH HAMLET - Ibra Sekajja (48')” - more of him, later. This was quickly followed by a statement of the bleedin’ obvious: “Dulwich take the lead at Wingate. Town won't want to need to rely on that result though”. Soon there was more bad news, followed by some slightly better: “Visitors showing the better quality on the ball this half. Town need to up their game”; “Dulwich now 2-0 up at Wingate”. A disappointing home performance; but our potential play-off opponents were doing us a surprising favour, just a few miles across North London. As things stood, it would be Enfield and Leiston joining Dulwich and Bognor in the play-off semi's. With Leiston a goal up, the next meaningful tweet came as no major surprise: “It's attack versus defence now, as LFC have set up camp. They are well organised and playing very well”. This ominous news soon followed by a rather more promising update: “Dulwich now 3-0 up at Wingate”.

The tension was already receding by the time some much more positive news finally arrived, with just 5 minutes remaining: “Goal ETFC 1-1 LFC. Bobby Devyne smashing in Samir Bihmoutine's cross … Things are looking much rosier!” But not for Leiston; this was just the reversal they had NOT wanted. Were they now ruing that strategic switch to a mob-handed defence? And had they left things too late to now recover their play-off-securing lead?

Before too much longer, there finally came a pair of tweets that summed up the joy and cruelty of The Beautiful Game: “Full-Time: ETFC 1-1 LFC. Town travel to Dulwich in the play-off semis, on Thursday!”. Quickly followed by “Despair for Leiston, who were excellent today and just miss out”. Our hopeful, Suffolk visitors had been just five minutes away from joining Town in the play-offs, by securing fifth place. Instead, they left with nothing. Ouch!

For the record, Enfield finished a tough, yo-yo season in 4^th place, with the best form record in the league: seven wins and a draw, in their last 8 games. Further North, Fulham rounded out their crushing 1-4 away win, with no further scoring from either side; leaving themselves needing a maximum of 3 points from their last two games, to stop Leeds United from usurping their 6^th-place qualification for the play-offs. Similar to Enfield, The Cottagers now have, themselves, the second-best form record in their own League, behind only already-promoted Brighton. Come On, You Whites! Come On, You Towners! And Come On, You Spiral Fractures … hurry up and heal ... please!

Just a few short weeks ago, both my favoured sides looked unlikely to qualify for the end-of-season lotteries of their respect divisional play-offs. Nothing is for certain, yet; but both clubs are now looking a lot happier about their potential short-term futures. As a friend of mine famously once said: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it"***. After all, nobody wants to  become “a fry cook on Venus” … do they?!

Post-Script: a keen analyst friend of ours (Ed from Lincoln – he’s been a previous contributor to this page – and yes, he is a fan of those newly-promoted “Imps”) has shared some fascinating research into the comparative success of Ryman Premier League teams in recent play-off history, based upon the position in which they finished the regular season. The good news is that, over the last nine years of Ed’s desk research, the team that has finished 4^th in the league in the regular season (as Enfield Town have just done) has been as successful in gaining promotion as those teams that have finished 2nd and 3rd; each of those positions gaining three promotions, for their incumbents. The sixth-placed team, on the other hand, have not been promoted once. As Ed says: it’s a very level play-off playing field, except for the 'also-rans' of 5^th place (Wingate and Finchley, this time around). See details, pictured below.

Great work work our Lincoln-based "affiliate", Ed T.

On the other hand, there is also bad news for Enfield. I would have dearly loved to be on the terraces at Champion Hill Stadium tonight, myself; but, instead, I'm just going to have to make do with internet coverage - again! As I finalise the editing of this latest post (it is just gone 7.45 pm, on Thursday the 27^th) I notice that Town have managed to go behind to Dulwich Hamlet in the first minute of their crucial play-off ‘Semi-Final’; to another goal by their hosts’ top-scorer, the newly-prolific Ibra Sekajja. There will be an outcome in tonight's match; even if that should need extra-time and penalties. At least ONE more Enfield update should follow this; but could there yet be a second? Only time will tell!

Footnotes:

*Gary Lineker - February 1993

** John Walker Motson, OBE - 14 May, 1988

*** from “Ferris Bueller's Day Off” (1986)

"Nowhere are our calculations more frequently upset than in war"*

How very true the above quote might prove to be. As regular readers of this blog will already be only too aware, we have now reached the “business end” of the non-league football season. It is traditional that, at this time of year, fans of Enfield Town remove their shoes and socks to help them in calculating some of the many possible play-off place scenarios that have loomed into view. In the full knowledge that the "war" of football may upset even their most careful maths. Would that looming shape be a soaring, sky-scraper of success, this time; or just another fateful, titanic ice-berg? Enfield Town went into the Bank Holiday weekend on a run of FIVE straight wins, which had kept their hopes of a place in the Ryman Premier League play-offs firmly alive. There would be two games in quick succession, in the space of just two days; after which some of the fog of that end-of-season uncertainty would (hopefully) have started to clear. For the good!

Enfield Town vs. Folkestone Invicta

Saturday 1st April, 2017 - Ryman Premier League,  3pm k-o

First up were well-travelled Kentish opponents Folkestone Town. The Seasiders’ day would involve a demanding 190-mile-plus round-trip (to Donkey Lane); a distance involved in so many of their Ryman match days. This particular journey would be over-shadowed by potential relegation nerves, as The Stripes continued to dabble with the wrong end of the table, at just the wrong part of the season; despite a decent recent form of two wins and a draw in their last 5 outings. The positive prospects were enough to draw a well above average crowd of 623, including a decent away turn-out, given the journey required.

The visitors were on the back foot from the start of the game, though; and they were far too generous to their hosts, after just 4 minutes. At an early corner, Towners Skipper Mark Kirby rose ‘at the back’, on the edge of the 6-yard box. He drove his downward header past Folkestone ‘keeper, Tim Roberts, to open the scoring. It turned out to be just what The Seasiders needed to kick-start their performance. From the restart, they looked to play with more energy and urgency – making far more of a contest of things. They also started to regularly show their skill at controlling the ball with their hands – apparently un-noticed by referee Stuart Cheek. Was he as inept as he seemed? Or perhaps just living up to his name and merely turning the other one - repeatedly?

Kirby (airborne, centre, in white) powers home the first goal.

After a quarter of an hour, Town’s Karl Oliyide made a decisive break on goal; but hit his effort tamely across Roberts’s goal, to groans from the home supporters. After 24 minutes, however, Oliyide made partial amends. He broke through a cluster of defenders before sliding a pass to #10 Harry Ottaway. The big Town forward hit his shot straight at Roberts; but he was lucky enough to see the save bounce kindly back out to him. He needed no third time of asking, establishing a comfortable 2-0 lead with his rebound effort. The score remained the same up to the half-time break; where it became apparent that score-lines elsewhere were also going in the Towners’ favour.

Invicta rang the changes with a half-time substitution: bringing on #14 Joseph Taylor for Sam Hasler. The tactical change proved positive. With improved shape and menace, Taylor scored for the visitors, to finish off a very rapid and incisive break after 66 minutes. Luckily for Town, this came after Dernell Wynter had already added a third for Enfield, after just a couple of second-half minutes. Wynter played a neat 1-2 with Ottaway, whose flick-on found the number 9 running into space. He still had plenty to do; but Wynter did it, with aplomb.

Anatomy of a goal 1: Wynter (right, in white) runs on to Ottaway's flicked return.

Anatomy of a goal 2: Wynter 'checks back inside', before unleashing his shot past the waiting Roberts, in front of an expectant home crowd.

Anatomy of a goal 3: ... and then it's party time, as Wynter celebrates with his relieved teammates. 

 Anatomy of a goal 4: ... and Billy Crook (left) reminds us all who's just scored. As Folkestone's contrasting body language tells more of the full story.

Despite Folkestone’s goal, there was little else but home nervousness to report; and some unkind chanting. The Seasiders seemed to start it off; by booing the injured Town ‘keeper, McDonald, apparently for perceived "time-wasting". They were met with louder jeers from the opposite end; and choruses of “We’re going up; you’re going down” and variations on that theme. Town saw out the game 3-1, before heading for the changing room to see how other results would leave them in the table. The answer to which was that defeats for Leiston, Harlow and Billericay were all good news; and Town found themselves in the final play-off place, after securing their sixth win ‘on the bounce’. They were now level on points with Leiston (whom they are scheduled to play at Donkey Lane on the final day of the regular season) and with a superior Goal Difference of +22 over nearest rivals, Wingate and Finchley, on the same number of points. Two wins from two would see them secure that coveted play-off place, for sure. Meanwhile, Folkestone had sunk back into one of the relegation berths. Should we be surprised that news of Enfield’s epic improvement in form has reached the four corners of … East Anglia? From where, Norwich's budding soccer vlogger Ellis Platten descended on the QEII stadium for this crunch match, in order to include it in his “Away Days” site: https://youtu.be/MN-f6bkjdXg. One day Juventus, the next Barcelona … and then ETFC’s crunch play-off game in the Ryman Isthmian Premier League. "Classico!"

Home fans, behind the visitors' goal, in the newly-sponsored "Old Wheatsheaf" stand, at the Western end of the QEII Stadium.

Enfield Town: Nathan McDonald, Jonathan Muleba, Ricky Gabriel, Harold Joseph, Mark Kirby, Scott Shulton, Tyler Campbell (Mickey Parcell 75), Billy Crook, Dernell Wynter (Nathan Livings 89), Harry Ottaway, Karl Oliyide (Samir Bihmoutine 59). Unused subs: Bobby Devyne, Trey Williams. Booked: Shulton, Parcell.

Folkestone Invicta: Tim Roberts, Callum Davies, Nat Blanks, Liam Friend, Frankie Chappell, Micheal Everitt (Ashley Miller 79), Jordan Wright (Joe Taylor 46), Sam Hasler (Sam Beale 84), Ian Draycott, Nathan Ferguson, Miles Cornwell. Unused subs: Euan Sahadow, Charlie Presnell. Booked: Everitt, Hasler, Miller.

Attendance: 623.

Harlow Town vs. Enfield Town

Monday 3rd April, 2017 - Ryman Premier League,  3pm k-o

So, onwards to The Harlow Stadium, just two days later. Although the hosts had won 3 and drawn 1 of their last 5 games, Enfield Town were now on a roll of 6 consecutive wins, themselves; and perhaps the biggest obstacle facing them in the Essex sunshine would be the home side’s artificial pitch, which had given them such a decisive early advantage in the Ryman South play-off victory, last Spring (see an earlier post of mine, on this blog: Harlow Town vs AFC Hornchuch – April 2016).

A travelling horde of Towners supporters gave Harlow their biggest gate of the season (607, well over twice the size of their average home crowd, of 274). This also gave rise to the first contest of the day: the singing battle. Harlow’s home fans had come prepared to ‘give it some’; but, faced with the scale of the Enfield Ultras’ invasion, there was only one likely outcome. As the Harlow website later acknowledged: ”Your fans were in great voice, best supporters at the Harlow Arena all season” … and it’s true – we were! Luckily, there would be plenty to sing about… eventually. Enfield Manager Bradley Quinton had the luxury of making just one enforced change to a settled and successful Town starting line-up: with Percy Kiangebeni deputising for “the unwell Harold Joseph”

Promoted at the end of last season, Harlow are a well-organised side, with a neat and well-organised stadium. While the half-time score-line of 0-0 may have flattered the home side just a little, Enfield hadn’t done enough in the final third of the pitch to deserve a lead, going into the break. As Town fans checked out the half-time scores from elsewhere around the league, I confidently joked with those around me that it wouldn’t matter how the other sides were doing, by the time we scored our three second-half goals. Was I merely tempting fickle fate?

The two sets of fans do good-natured vocal battle, in the first half. The game would later see more physical, less good-natured battles, on the pitch.

From a strictly administrative perspective, Harlow seemed to have failed to maximise their cash revenue at this, their last home game of the season. Yes, the gate was impressive (thanks to all those travelling Towners fans); and yes, the bar was busy; but the programmes had sold out by the time I arrived, which was well before kick-off. I had to make do with just a quick snap-shot of the team sheet (see above). It’s a tough balance to get right, of course; but how many easy £2 of additional revenue had Harlow lost, by being cautious about the numbers printed? It might have been “a schoolboy error”, given that Enfield have had the 5^th best away support in the division, this term. That is, it might have been IF it hadn't been for the fact that Harlow were charging £12 entry, on the gate - 20% more than the £10 maximum I've paid anywhere else before, "at this level"; including at Donkey Lane. Either they were being opportunistic (the price signs were, after all, just simple A4 printed sheets) OR, if it's an ongoing price premium, that may well account for the club's comparatively low average home crowds.

On the pitch, Harlow also left a little to be desired, considering they had been play-off hopefuls themselves until as recently as a couple of games ago. Those had clearly been “Emperor’s Clothes” that the Essex side had been wearing, though. Only two sides had better home form than Harlow (could that be anything to do with their plastic pitch, perhaps?); while their away form had found them out, throughout the year, on regular FOOTBALL pitches. Enfield Town set about a systematic deconstruction of their hosts’ aspirations, in the second half. Even as the home side’s yellow card count continued to climb, alarmingly.

We were less than ten minutes into the second-half when Town’s Oliyide made a great, surging run on the right, drawing out the Harlow defence and creating space in the middle for #10, Harry Ottaway to ghost into. Oliyide’s low, driven pass was turned in by Ottaway from the six-yard line, under pressure from the Harlow skipper, Craig Pope. It was a great time to score - is there ever, really, a bad time? The home team’s body language spoke volumes; and the visitors (players and fans alike) were visibly and audibly happier about proceedings. The singing intensified ever further; and the momentum of the game swung firmly in Enfield’s favour.

Oliyide (centre-right, in yellow) leaves defenders trailing in his wake before sending in a low, driven cross for Ottaway to stab home from 6 yards.

Just three minutes later, there was a lengthy delay to play; as Harlow’s left-back, Layne Eadie, was helped off the pitch and replaced by Bamba Ngamb – whose name, curiously enough, is an anagram of “Bam, Bam, Bang”. Towners fans were hoping they’d see no feisty fireworks from him; but they almost did. A few minutes after his introduction, the Harlow sub might have earned his side a penalty after he and Town’s Ricky Gabriel tangled with each other on the edge of the area, after Ngamb had made a run on the Harlow right. With enough paperwork already building in his in-tray, Mr. Hancock turned down shrill appeals from both Harlow’s players AND their desperate fans. The hosts kept knocking on Enfield’s ‘door’, trying to get themselves onto the score-sheet and back in the game; but, despite all of their wolfish huff and puff, it was to no avail. They could NOT come in!

Harlow have a decent chunk of higher level experience in their ranks. Club captain Craig Pope has played for Barnet, for instance. More notably, one of Pope’s defensive chums, the Senegalese centre-back Ibrahima Sonko, may be better known to some readers, from his stints over a 10-year period at Brentford, Reading, Stoke City, Hull City, Portsmouth and Ipswich Town – including some top-flight English football. Interestingly, he turned down a one-year contract with Scottish Premiership side Kilmarnock this season, to remain in Tier 7 of the English pyramid with Harlow - and to stay closer to his family. Unsurprisingly, Sonko put in a decent and polished shift for the hosts; making some important blocks and interventions at the back AND heading an offensive corner just over. What a difference that attempt might have made, if he was just a few inches shorter than his actual, massive, 6 foot 3 inch frame.

With 14 minutes remaining, an Enfield corner from their left was met by captain Mark Kirby with a powerful header. Harlow’s ‘keeper parried the goal-bound effort; but the rebound found its way to Ottaway, who hit a fierce drive from the edge of the box to make the score 0-2. Any remaining nerves amongst the visitors appeared to be eased. The singing became more joyful; and, in turn, each of the coaching staff and substituted players were asked to indicate the current score-line. In something of a party mood, they all duly did so. "2-0, to the Football Team; 2-0 ...", etc., sang the taunting away fans; as the action got ever more "agricultural".

Ottaway (#10, yellow) wins yet another aerial battle with the later-red-carded, “solid, strong and powerful” - but, ultimately, not very good - Pope. 

When I last visited The Harlow Stadium, a few home "fans" had started a punch-up, just to the side of the pitch, with the coaching staff of the visiting side. Their team went one better this time, by starting a melee ON the pitch with the visiting players, late in the game. The referee, one Mr. Thomas Hancock, decided that it was more or less just “handbags”** and issued a couple of 83^rd minute yellow cards, to calm down everybody’s over-heated emotions – and keep the card count ticking over. He would have a whole mess of paper-work to complete, after the final whistle. Enfield’s Scott Shulton and Harlow’s substitute, Tommy Fagg (no, seriously!) were both booked; but the home player seemed very lucky not to have seen red, being the instigator of the whole messy, retaliatory affair. Luckily, he was punished in another way, by the visiting fans, who sang him ongoing lullabies, for the rest of the match; issuing their own form of rough justice – and referring to him, perhaps a little unkindly, as “The Pikey”. All of which ruffled Home feathers just a little further. Luckily for Enfield, by this stage of the game, they were already in control of the score-line; and their own destiny.

Tommy "Pikey" Fagg (#15, in red, white and blue) continues to remonstrate, long after the event - from behind a safe cordon of his own team-mates.

Enfield continued to dominate possession and territory as the game entered its 8 minutes of required stoppage time. In one late Enfield break, Harlow skipper Pope picked up a second caution for grabbing Ottaway by the neck and hauling him down, when the latter looked to have broken clear on goal. We might have known it was coming. The Harlow website describes their captain as “solid … strong and powerful” - and he demonstrated these properties in wrestling Ottaway to the ground, like a rodeo bull. With just 10 men, Harlow finally crumbled, in injury time; allowing Oliyide to add a perhaps slightly flattering third away goal. At which point the Enfield party went into over-drive in the Jack Chapman stand; celebrations that lasted well after Mr. Hancock’s final whistle.

So, as I’d earlier suggested we would, Enfield DID go on to score three second-half goals; and it really didn’t matter at all how those other sides in the division were doing. Town now needed only to avoid a home defeat to Leiston, on the last day of the season, in order to maintain their promotion push and their play-off place. Our calculations had not been upset by the Battle of Harlow. We left Essex with our shoes and socks placed firmly back on our feet, after our almost-decisive seventh straight win. Come on, you Towners!

Harlow Town: David Hughes, Craig Pope, Layne Eadie (Bamba Ngamb 57), Charlie Dickens, Ibrahima Sonko, Stanley Muguo, Jared Small, Fabion Simms, Alex Read (Tommy Fagg 77), Mario Noto (Jack Curtis 81), Junior Dadson. Unused: Syrus Gordon, Patrick Lee. Booked: Simms, Pope, Noto, Fagg. Sent off: Pope.

Enfield Town: Nathan McDonald, Jonathan Muleba, Ricky Gabriel, Percy Kiangebeni, Mark Kirby, Scott Shulton (Nathan Livings 85), Tyler Campbell (Samir Bihmoutine 74), Billy Crook, Dernell Wynter (Bobby Devyne 84), Harry Ottaway, Karl Oliyide. Unused: Mickey Parcell, Trey Williams. Booked: Campbell, Shulton.

Attendance: 607.

Footnotes:

* Quote from Livy - Roman Historian (59 BC - 17 AD)

** "Handbags" - a technical term used to describe a scuffle between football players which is unworthy of the term "fight". Slightly confusingly, no handbags are normally deployed by any parties involved in such an altercation.

The Storm After the Calm

A Catch-Up with 'Recent' Events in Tiers 2 & 7

Contrary to what appears to be a widely-held belief, The Football Pharaoh has NOT passed away. Not just yet. As Mark Twain might have said, “reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated”; although it's true that there was a recent E-mail deletion disaster - and a severe case of “man-‘flu’” for me to contend with. Despite that near-fatal health condition, however, I have attended a few Enfield Town & Fulham games, recently. It’s just that I’ve done so without serving up my preferred portion of post-match pontification, for your delight and delectation. Something I will attempt to correct right here, right now. It's official: I am back; by popular protest / demand.

Fulham vs. Preston North End

Saturday 4th March, 2017 - 3pm k-o

The English Football League Championship

Back in ancient history, on March 4^th, I went along to Craven Cottage with a suitably ancient college buddy (Ed) to check in on Fulham’s play-off hopes. Venerable, Football League founders Preston North End were our worthy opponents. Wiki reminds us that in their own ancient history, Preston completed that inaugural Football League season (1888-'89) unbeaten, to become the first ever league champions, also winning the FA Cup along the way, without conceding a single goal. Making them the first club to achieve the English football "Double", in the league's first ever season. Their unbeaten League and Cup season earned them the nickname "The Invincibles"; although the league season did 'only' last 22 games - and featured no "Southern" clubs at all. But all of that was then; and this is now, at least comparatively speaking.

This game represented the Preston fans’ annual “Gentry Day”. That’s a fairly long story, to do with raising money for charity and wearing plastic, sponsor-branded bowler hats to (and during) the game, strangely enough. Anyway, a good lunch and a great game were enjoyed by all those in our party, cheering on Slav's Boys from The Johnny Haynes stand (the oldest in English professional football). Simon, Duncan, Stuart, James and Tom were all in the party. Sincere thanks go to Ed's son, Alf, who was absent, playing a school sports fixture; allowing me to upgrade his season ticket to 'adult', for the day. Ed and his buddies sit in a great spot. They have an excellent view of all the goals scored at the Hammersmith End. Although there are some draw-backs to the restricted view, looking towards the Putney End - see below.

The trouble with 'classic', listed football architecture? The ball re-emerges from hiding, behind one of the JH stand's venerable supporters.

I was fully expecting to write up my musings in the usual, long-winded way; but - I believe as a result of walking back to Hammersmith tube station, under-dressed for the cool, un-forecasted West London drizzle? - I managed to go down with my bout of proper man-‘flu, just a couple of days later. Consequently, I wasn't well enough to write up my normal post-match notes; nor for anything much else besides, for more than a couple of weeks - and, by then, it all seemed pretty much too late and too lame to bother with. In truth, my Muse had abandoned me more or less completely. Suffice to say that a 3-1 home win was not a flattering score-line - and one well worth celebrating; not least since it kept Fulham in the hunt for one of those coveted, end of season play-off places.

Black & White Heaven: Neeskens Kebano celebrates his goal and his name's high Scrabble score, in front of "teenage sensation" Ryan Sessegnon and a subdued, largely bowler-hatted away crowd (Photo: Fulham FC website)

Enfield Town vs. Bognor Regis Town

Saturday 1st April, 2017 - Ryman Premier League,  3pm k-o

After I had finally recovered from my virulent, Fulham-induced man-'flu, I eventually went along to my next Enfield game, at Donkey Lane, on April Fool's Day. Would the date be an inauspicious omen, perhaps? In fact, no. This turned out to be an excellent and highly disciplined 1-0 home win against then-table-toppers, Bognor. Unfortunately, this news reaches you rather belatedly, since, I still couldn't quite muster up enough mojo to spread the good word, immediately after the match.

Town bossed the first half. With only 25 minutes gone, the home crowd were already singing "Top of the League? You're 'avin' a larrff!" Before Bognor responded by coming back at "us", in the second half. The all-important, single goal of an predictably tight contest came from Karl Oliyide, (see below) collecting a Scott Shulton pass and dispatching it to the right of the visitors 'Keeper, from the edge of the area, to send the home fans into Blue Heaven hysteria.

Oliyide, in white, about to jink inside his man and unleash a low, curling, right-footed shot across the Bognor goalie, for the only score of a cagey game.

The atmosphere in the Home end turns pyrotechnically to Blue Heaven: 1-0

It was a game not to have missed for other reasons, too; since it featured the annual visit by fans of our 'twin' Belgian club YBSK Beveren. They bolstered the crowd nicely (variously reported as 672 or 687 - but, either way, almost doubling our average gate). They brought along some lovely flags and crates of beer and, late on, also introduced the locals to some strangely-shaped, hand-rolled, funny-smelling European 'cigarettes'.

 A selection of those lovely, Belgian flags

 ..... A selection of those lovely, Belgian beers, in Beveren's luggage hold.

... And a selection of those well-fuelled, boisterous, Belgian footie fans.

I had also planned an away trip to a new ground (for me) to watch Enfield's crucial, follow-up 2-4 win over our Essex play-off rivals, Billericay ... but prior family commitments and potential fall-out from Southern Rail's ongoing strike action prevented me (a long and dull story, believe me). It seems I missed a cracker. For those who would like visual evidence of the standard of football being offered up Bradley Quinton’s men, ‘Ricay have provided helpful (and nicely edited) video coverage. Although, if you’re short on time, I’d just check out the link from about half-way through. Billericay Town's recently bolstered "All Star" squad currently features two ex-Fulham players (Paul Konchesky and ‘Fat-Boy Slim’ Jamie O'Hara). The latter still apparently too unfit to start, more than a month after joining the Essex club ... you'll notice he wears #12 if you open your highlights link to view the action: https://youtu.be/6m5OhY4unj8 

I was genuinely pleased to see O’Hara score (and what a cracker it was!); but I was even more pleased to see that his 'spectacular strike' came in a crushing home defeat to Enfield. That result more or less ended the Essex side's play-off hopes. The club has acquired (at least briefly?) a ‘sugar-daddy’ owner with deep pockets and stated aspirations to build up his own club. He was first turned down by the nearby "Daggers" of Dagenham & Redbridge. So it's difficult to believe his heart is really fully into investing in a village team, playing in the Ryman Isthmian League. Watch out for a tsunami of PR coverage, over the coming months and years; concerning the development of a new "Manchester United of the South". The risk of further imminent Essex cash-splashing would be another good reason for Enfield trying to ensure they grab that elusive promotion life-line THIS spring, if we possibly can. End of season catch-up fixtures played by the teams above them have gone just about as well for Enfield as we could have hoped. Leaving a play-off berth a distinct possibility; but with with three potential 'banana skins' still lying in wait for us. Two games in two days loom, over the holiday weekend; and, after those, we should have a reasonable idea of whether a post-season outing is still on the cards.

Nervy Home fans celebrate, at the Bognor game's final whistle.

... while the appreciative Enfield squad thank the home crowd for their valuable support. Manager Brad Quinton (centre, in tracksuit) claps loudest.

Favourable results meant I still hadn’t given up all hope of The Towners extending their season into the play-offs – which could provide yet more opportunities to watch their silky, flowing, football finesse. We went into the next weekend knowing that three more wins in our final three games would secure that much-sought play-off berth. Enfield had become the league's form team at just the right time; and it was still "all in their own hands", going into their next home game, against well-travelled strugglers, Fokestone Invicta.

Fulham also continue to offer a similar, tantalising play-off prospect; but with less control over their own destiny; in the sense that they have a difficult run-in, including away games against play-off place rivals Huddersfield and Sheffield Wednesday.

Further updates to follow, soon ...

Where? In Hertfordshire - That's Ware!

Ware vs Brightlingsea Regent

Saturday 25th February, 2016 - 3pm k-o:
Ryman Isthmian League, Division One North

Fancy-Dress? ... or just another case of "The Emperor's New Clothes"? A Big Day Out, in Tier Eight.

At the risk of re-running that old Abbot and Costello baseball skit (“Who’s on first base?"*) just before setting off from 52 Festive Road the other day, for the big Ryman League North clash, my wife asked me: “You’re going to where this afternoon?”. To which I, of course, replied “That’s right, Ware”; and then it all kicked off. Hilarious! Divorce proceedings commence next week.

That old sketch holds a special place in comedy history. Similarly, Ware holds a fairly special place in local history. So I made extra time for an all-important pre-match detour into its quaint old market town centre, to check out its historical credentials. I'm sure my old friend, Historian Bill would approve (yes, he of everybody's favourite local radio sports show: https://www.mixcloud.com/brynandbill/new-episode-15-the-bryn-bill-football-show-with-tom-lapslie-karl-duguid-jim-french-charles/).

History Repeating Itself

Ware lies on Ermine Street, the old Roman road from London to Lincoln. It’s claimed to be one of the oldest continuously occupied sites in Europe. The town’s name dates from the Anglo-Saxon period, when weirs were built to stop the invading Vikings from escaping in their long-ships, after defeat by King Alfred the Great, in a nearby battle. Later, it was famed as a coaching town, being on the Old North Road, less than a day's journey from London. It became the source of the 17th century New River, constructed to carry fresh water to London. It was also an old brewing town; and some of the old maltings buildings still stand – though, sadly, no longer in working order. The town is mentioned in Chaucer’s “Canterbury Tales” and boasts the remains of a thirteenth-century friary, with a large fourteenth-century parish church opposite. Its famous Great Bed of Ware (now housed in the V&A museum) was built by Hertfordshire carpenter Jonas Fosbrooke in 1580. It’s mentioned in Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night” and Ben Jonson’s “Epiconene”. It was previously used at the town’s Saracens Head and White Hart Inn hostelries.

The Great Bed of Ware: it was to be hoped that Ware F.C.'s tactics would NOT be sleep-inducing.

Brightlingsea has its own historical significance, of course. Mentioned in the Domesday Book, as Brictesceseia, the lord of the manor had been King Harold Godwinson, up until he took one in the eye for the team, in his defeat by William the Bastard ... he really WAS one, too, wasn't he? The town’s fourteenth century Jacob's Hall is reputedly the oldest timber-framed building in England. It’s also the only community outside Kent and Sussex which has a formal connection to the venerable Confederation of the Cinque Ports. But all of that is mostly in the past, now.

Ware F.C.: 1904 Herts. Senior Cup fancy-dress winners?

These days, Ware F.C. is based at Wodson Park, a sports complex North of town, with very easy access to the A10. This meant that my 32 mile round-trip from Enfield took well under an hour of driving time, even including my detour to the town centre. It’s a neat little ground with a nice main stand; but the sloping pitch, uneven surface and uneven officiating meant there was to be no level playing field for Regent to enjoy today, either literally or metaphorically. All of which would probably work in the hosts favour.

Ware are currently dabbling with the wrong end of the league table, having suffered 16 defeats in their last 24 games, in all competitions; including a 5-0 midweek hammering, away to today’s guests, less than 4 days earlier. Whereas the visitors went into this game second in the table; behind leaders Maldon & Tiptree only on Goal Difference - and with a game in hand. In a run of 12 unbeaten league games, they have only dropped 4 points this calendar year, including clocking up a critical, narrow win over their title rivals, “The Jammers”.

 

Good Will Hunt(ing)?

Keen to maintain their momentum in what is now, surely, a straight, two-horse race for the Ryman North league title – and automatic promotion – Brightlingsea Regent manager, James Webster, and his back-room team have sought to shuffle their squad options and to continue bringing in the best available additional talent. I’ve only seen Brightlingsea play once before, this season; in their away win at Brentwood Town, back on Fireworks Night: Remember, Remember, The 5^th of November (see match coverage elsewhere on this blog page). Webster went on to receive the Ryman League Manager of the Month Award for November, with that side. Such is the scale of change within the club, and their lust for the league title, however, that only 6 of that November starting line-up would be in the First XI for this match, less than four months later.

Webster’s subsequent Hunt hasn’t JUST been for "good will", though. He’s been scouring the planet (or, at least, North-East Essex) for players who will bolster his side with a greater killer instinct; a trait which might yet conjure automatic promotion out of the R’s lofty second place.

In the middle of February, Brightlingsea Regent announced their latest “big new signing”, after poaching Billy Hunt from Stanway Rovers. His “superb scoring record” includes netting 36 times in 50 appearances for Stanway, in the Thurlow Nunn Premier Division. He previously spent two seasons as top scorer at Heybridge Swifts, after a spell with Chelmsford, in the Conference South. But what’s in this local move for glory-hunting Billy, himself? He is quoted as saying “it’s not often you get the chance to be in a title-chasing side … and hopefully I can add something to the team and help them finish in the Ryman North play-offs.” Perhaps he hasn’t yet read the finer detail of Webster’s end-of-season script carefully enough. Hunt has previously worked with Angelo Harrop - the club’s new First Team Head Coach, since the end of December – when he was previously in charge at …

yes, Stanway Rovers.

The Ryman League: it's a dirty sign!

So not only does the Brightlingsea player roster continue to be bolstered; but so does that of the coaching staff (Harrop already holds a UEFA B Coaching Licence) - at Stanway’s expense. Just how is Brightlingsea funding such extravagance? The good news for Webster is that his faith in his new signing seems well-placed. In the R’s last game, that home triumph over today’s hosts, the appropriately named recent joiner (Good) Will had Hunt(ed) down a hat-trick; including the decisive opening two first-half goals - thus making an immediate return on whatever the club’s investment in him has been. With Ware now well-warned, Good Will was likely to be Hunt(ed) down a little better himself, in this follow-up encounter.

Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!

The day’s attendance of 102 brought Ware’s home average for the season up to 68; barely more than half of Regent’s own home average gate, of 121. Even that bigger, Brightlingsea figure is only the league’s 8th highest average home crowd, though. Incidentally, mid-table Bury Town are the Big Boys in this league, with an average home gate of 265. It remains something of a mystery how any of these clubs apart from Bury, perhaps, can operate on the revenues generated by such slim pickings, no matter how loyal and vociferous their fans might be. The entrance fee at Ware is just £8 (plus an extra £1.50 for the match-day programme. So gate revenues were unlikely to have exceeded a thousand pounds for this encounter. Some away supporters seemed to have donned pirate-themed fancy-dress garb; but it was not clear if they had paid extra for this privilege.

Away Day Fan Fun: with drums and flags and fancy-dress. (Photo: Tony Osborne)

Given their respective positions and form, the clever money might well initially have been on an away win in this fixture; but one Regent's fan who’d been at the mid-week game suddenly appeared at my shoulder, telling me that the 5-0 result had been very flattering to Regent; and that Ware were not a bad side, at all. Although I noticed neither fez nor moustache at the time, he might well have been the mysterious shop-keeper from “Mr. Benn”.

... Because, he'd appeared out of nowhere and, just at that moment (as if by magic) Ware started the game as the livelier side. Indeed Sam Cowler, in the visitors’ goal, needed to be alert and agile in the opening minutes to keep the scores level, from a Ware corner on their left. The hosts had a long-throw specialist, too; in the shape of wing-back Junior Appiah, who would hurl in missiles from the right for the whole game; and Brightlingsea continued to look nervous at the back throughout the opening exchanges - and beyond.

Sam Cowler: airborne, early on, to protect The R's goal.

From the outset, the home side vociferously challenged the referee’s decisions and control of the game – at least, they queried all of his decisions that went against them. Brightlingsea fans might grumble that there were very few such decisions, as a result. Despite all of this early hubbub, and their shaky start, the R’s gradually grew in stature, as they adjusted to the uneven bobble of the playing surface. Brightlingsea had a very decent penalty shout turned down, followed by a series of corners; all of which the hosts withstood manfully. The Blues were determined not to let their visitors settle too comfortably; and established the uneven rhythm of what was to be a physical and niggly encounter.

No penalty! It was noticeable that, by the second half, the linesman had finally learned what that yellow thing on a stick was actually for. 

After half an hour, an uncharacteristic defensive lapse on the right by The R’s skipper, Matt Cripps, let Ware’s #9, Gareth Price, in on goal; but he was unable to capitalise on this rare opportunity; seeing his low, left-footed shot saved by the feet of Cowler. It was a scrappy affair in typical, cool February conditions; and there was plenty of head-scratching on the away bench, as to how to turn up the heat, to avoid losing ground on their promotion rivals. Despite bustling industry from both sides, the game remained scoreless at half-time, as the crowd gratefully sought warmth in the clubhouse bar.

Man in Black: The R's manager, James Webster, abandons his dug-out to get a first-half, first-hand view from his right wing - and the terrace.

Things livened up on the pitch considerably, though, after the break; and the complexion of the game changed completely after just three minutes of the second half, as Regent’s #8, Jake Turner pounced, in something of a goal-mouth scramble, to toe-poke home the first score of the game.
Turner pounces, (centre) as Ware's 'keeper reacts just too late: 0-1. (Photo: Tony Osborne)

The Ware FC website tells the story of the next passage of play rather well: "Ware responded almost immediately and Murat Karagul's corner was met by Josh Oyibo on the edge of the area. His shot seemed to beat Cowler but was cleared from the goal line by an alert defender. It was enough to tell Ware that there was still something on offer from the game and they enjoyed another good spell playing down the slope in search of an equaliser. It was all undone with just over 15 minutes to go".

On the hour mark, Mr. Johnson finally signalled he’d had enough heckling of his decisions, by sending off one of the home coaching staff to the stands, with a Red Card. It was too little too late, for him to really take control of this game, though. Meanwhile, news of Maldon’s troubles at Bury was, apparently, filtering in on ‘phone apps around the ground, as the away support burst into a rendition of “We - Are - Top of the League - said We are top of the league”.

Brightlingsea's Kelly, prepares to celebrate possibly his 100th club goal. Your doughty reporter can be seen in yellow fancy dress(?) at centre. (Photo: Tony Osborne)

And that table-topping position finally looked secure after 75 minutes, when #10 Phil Kelly doubled the lead, with what was claimed to be his 100^th Brightlingsea goal – although the club website says he’s still 'only' on 86! Away celebrations were loud and heartfelt. The wind was well and truly knocked out of Ware's sails, finally; and there was still time for the visitors to add a late, slightly flattering third, in the 87^th minute, courtesy of sub. Ricky Griggs.

The Aftermath

It won’t have been the result Ware were looking for; but, in truth, they’d mostly been marginally second-best – apart from in their well-drilled complaining department. They remain just two places and four points above the relegation zone. Ware look too well organised to go down; but could do with instilling better discipline across their side - and the dug-out.[Later Addition - end of season post-script: as it turned out, the Pharaoh's all-seeing football eye had adopted a squint. On the last day of the season, Ware WERE, indeed, relegated. Equal on points with both Waltham Abbey and Heybridge Swifts, they had scored more goals than either of those rival teams ... but had conceded one too many goals. Their Goal Difference was -18, versus -16 and -17, respectively. One less goal conceded in the match reported above would have saved them from the drop; and, as I said at the time, Brightlingsea's late third really had been "slightly flattering". But such is our cruel football mistress].

Meanwhile, the final whistle saw Brightlingsea Regent bestride the Ryman League North Division like a mighty, Tier Eight Colossus. They would go on to round out February by winning their game-in-hand, the following Tuesday against Soham Town (making it seven straight league wins) to take a six point lead over Maldon. Although they then relinquished half of that lead again, the following Saturday, in an unexpected, narrow, home defeat to fellow promotion hopefuls, Thurrock. Given the recent implosion of form and play-off hopes by my own side, Enfield Town, in Tier Seven (with just ONE point earned from 4 home games, since early January – and only TWO wins in their last eight league games ... Come On, You Towners!) it seemed there was a very good chance that Brightlingsea might be going Head-to-Head with “us”, next season. Or is The Emperor, in fact, merely parading naked, in front of prematurely-celebrating fans?

In a match-day programme foot-note, and as a former English Teacher, I can’t help pedantically pointing out the continued abuse of our poor old apostrophe - and pitying its plight (see above). Singular or plural? Possessive or Abbreviated? "Assistant Referee’s" what, exactly? Perhaps it should be "Referee's Assistants", next time; for clarity and correctness. But, with all that confusing nit-picking, I may getting be too close for comfort to Abbot and Costello territory, again; and that historic, comedy gold …

Culture Vulture:

* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg - Abbot and Costello: “Who’s on first base?”

** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr_Benn - “Mr Benn” (who lived at number 52, Festive Road) was created by David McKee and originally transmitted by BBC TV in 1971 – ‘72.