Some People Are On The Pitch ... Do They Think It's All Over?

Hampton & Richmond Borough FC vs. Enfield Town - 3pm k-o
Sat. 23rd April - The Ryman League Premier Division

Harlow Town FC vs. A.F.C. Hornchurch - 3pm k-o
Sunday 1st May - The Ryman League Division One, North Play-Off Final

In a week when (mostly) dignified outrage greeted the long-delayed surfacing of common sense and "Truth", at the latest Hillsborough inquest (and its verdict of 96 unlawful killings) there were still some rather more mundane matters to be resolved within the world of English football - beyond the question of whether the CPS would find some balls of their own, to pursue those deceitful, perjured killers of South Yorkshire, some 27 years on. "Justice" is still awaited.

Merseyside's favourite? Like 'Teflon Dave': barely acquainted with The Truth.

Decades later: continued shame. Murdoch's press titles still cannot bring themselves to publish the real "Truth". The only major UK 'newspapers' NOT to feature the latest Hillsborough inquest verdict on their front pages.

David Cameron’s infamous “blind man, in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there” had finally found the only thing they had ever been searching for. The one thing they had known must be out there, somewhere, no matter how carefully covered and heavily disguised it might have been: "The Truth". That, of course, is also the very thing which Dodgy Dave himself would never recognise; not even if it spat in his face and called him a tax-dodging, over-privileged 'toff'. Which it may yet do, one day - perhaps? Liverpool’s former manager, Saint Bill Shankly, famously once said “Football is not a matter of life and death...”; but on too many occasions it has been allowed to become precisely that.

Let us move on elsewhere now, though; to those other more mundane matters, already mentioned. Yes, it’s true that Leicester City would be visiting Old Trafford, in the hope of beating once-mighty Manchester United to secure the coveted Premier League title, with two games left to play; but, further down English football’s ‘pyramid’, there is still plenty of other unfinished business. Firstly, there is the post mortem examination to be carried out on the remains of Enfield Town’s Tier 7 season. This to be followed by a short journey into deepest, darkest Essex; and a brief dip down into the murky, twilight world of English football's Tier 8.

1)      Enfield Town versus "The Beavers"

Some People Are On The Pitch - Part 1: "Mmmmm, nice beaver! - Thanks, I just had it stuffed"*. Priscilla Presley, who appears to have 'let herself go' somewhat, leads out the Hampton mascot, before the crucial final game of Enfield Town's 'regular season'. (Photo by Tom Scott)

It was always going to be a tough ask: to beat the champions-elect away, on the final day of the regular season, with the latter still needing a result. The fixture computer had truly been tough on Enfield Town, this term. It had top-and-tailed our season with two of the toughest games of all: away at the eventual first- and fourth-placed sides in the league. It seemed, however, that Dulwich Hamlet were doing their utmost, elsewhere, on the final day, to open a play-off back door for Enfield to sneak through. With an hour gone, they were 2-0 down, away at Needham Market, to a brace of Luke Ingram goals. If things remained that way at Bloomfields, then Enfield simply had to score a single goal to make the play-offs. It was a particular shame, then, not to be able to find the Hampton net; especially given that Dulwich could only manage a single goal themselves, reducing the final margin of their defeat to 2-1. Manager Brad Quinton even brought himself on (again) as a late substitute, in hopes of a repeat late wonder-goal (see previous post, below). Quinton had said, after the Dulwich match, that Enfield Town would need to win all six of their remaining games to reach the play-offs; and he was proved absolutely spot-on - unfortunately! Five wins and a draw would not (quite) be enough.

Some People Are On The Pitch - Part 2. Contrasting Emotions: Town players (in yellow) are out on their feet - and off them; while Hampton celebrate the goal-less draw that saw them secure the Ryman League title and automatic promotion, by just a single point. (Photo by Tom Scott)

A nil-nil draw, away against the champions, was a highly commendable result for Town. Make no bones about that; but the damage to their prospects had already been done in earlier fixtures. Enfield’s players could only look on at the final whistle, as their hosts celebrated securing a title-clinching point, on their field of dreams. For a second successive season, The Towners had failed by two points (or a single result) to make the play-offs. For a second successive season, Dulwich had secured a play-off berth. One thing is for sure: “we” must toughen ourselves up for the next attempt; and start in earnest from game number one. After previously focussing all my Enfield Town grief on that fateful late-season, home score-draw against fellow play-off hopefuls Hamlet (in their 10-man incarnation! – see earlier post, below) I have now finally started the proper, reasoned and researched, end-of-season recriminations in earnest. Apart from Enfield's obvious, yet still inexplicable, slow-start which Ed’s earlier chart so ably illustrated (effectively allowing the other sides a 9-match head-start - see previous post, below) there was also another 4-match spell just after the New Year which “did" for Enfield’s promotion hopes arguably even more surely. Was it really simply the result of indulging in too many mince pies? As the details below show, a failure in that other, earlier ‘6-pointer’ with Dulwich Hamlet, followed by a brace of defeats (by a single, fateful goal) to each of two now-relegated sides, all in the space of less than 4 weeks (separated only by a routine home win against 'The Filth') spoiled an otherwise-improving and play-off-bound copy book.

Match #            Date

  28                   9 Jan                    Dulwich Hamlet 2-0 Enfield Town               L

  29                 16 Jan                    Enfield Town 2-0 Metropolitan Police          W

  30                 23 Jan                    VCD Athletic 3-2 Enfield Town                    L

  31                   3 Feb                    Burgess Hill T 1-0 Enfield Town                  L

Just 3 points gained from a possible 12 - and from a hoped-for 6 ... or 9? In hindsight, a pair of away draws against each of those struggling sides (they finished in 21st & 24th place, respectively) or just one single draw at Dulwich, could have seen Enfield safely into the play-offs - and National League-bound. Teeth may now be loudly gnashed, or ground. Although one can always point to any number of poor results or under-performances across an entire season as "the decisive factor", it was after the home draw with Dulwich that I finally knew the game was up. That our goose was cooked. Our play-off destiny was, by then, no longer in our own hands (or feet); but the seeds of that loss of control over our fate had been sown much earlier.

Would Dulwich make the most of that opportunity, served up to them so neatly, on a silver, Enfield platter? Or would they fluff their lines in the play-offs and face us again next season; allowing Town the chance to extract just, full and proper revenge? The answer to that question should be known within the next hour. Dulwich have already disposed of Bognor in the play-off semi-finals, with a 90^th-minute winner. As I type, it is half-time in the play-off final between East Thurrock and Dulwich; with the home side 3-1 up.

2) Harlow Town versus AFC Hornchurch

DIVISION ONE NORTH – END OF SEASON TABLE

#	Team	Pd	HW	HD	HL	AW	AD	AL	F	A	Diff	Pts
1.	AFC Sudbury	46	15	2	6	18	4	1	90	49	41	105
2.	Thurrock	46	17	0	6	13	6	4	99	52	47	96
3.	Harlow Town	46	18	3	2	11	6	6	92	47	45	96
4.	Cray Wanderers	46	14	2	7	13	7	3	98	52	46	90
5.	AFC Hornchurch	46	13	6	4	12	5	6	87	35	52	86

We move on, once again. This time to Harlow and Hornchurch; the two best-supported sides in the Ryman Isthmian League Division One North. Depending upon the result of this game, one of them would join Enfield Town next season, in Tier 7. So consider this journey to The Harlow Arena to have been in the nature of 'under-cover research', for next year. It would be a 'new ground' for me; but there was every chance that it wouldn't be my last ever visit there. My irregular Enfield Town buddy and former work colleague, Glenn, joined me for this road trip. Although, for him, Harlow are his more local side.

Harlow have the league’s highest average home gate, following the play-off matches (322) while Hornchurch have the fourth-highest average (177); but Hornchurch, like Enfield in the tier above, also boast the highest average away gates (261) with Harlow a long way behind, in second (with 172). So a large crowd was anticipated. The warm, May Bank Holiday weather was an added bonus that drew an even larger gate than was probably expected. Whichever side were to win, "The Only Way Was Essex". Which may have accounted for the disproportionate number of orange faces, expensive haircuts, make-up and sartorial choices on display in the crowd; and that was just amongst the men.

As recently as the 2012 - ’13 season, Hornchurch (“The Urchins”) were playing in England’s 6th tier. That's the Conference South, to you and me. After two relegations in three seasons, however, they were now fighting for the chance to bounce straight back into the 7th tier. Meanwhile, Harlow Town (“The Hawks”) were entering their third successive end of season play-off attempt in Tier 8; having failed to progress in each of the two previous years.

Both sides carried goal threat aplenty, with the second and third highest scorers in the league: George Purcell (AFC Hornchurch – 33 goals) and Alexander Read (Harlow Town - 31). The big questions were whether Hornchurch’s defence (the most miserly in the league) could nullify Read’s goal threat and overcome Harlow’s massive statistical home advantage. A crowd of 1,655 had turned out on fine, late-Spring afternoon, to find out the answer to that question. It turned out that some of those, alas, had also been lured by the call of the wild - and the generous 12.30pm bar opening. More than two hours later, there was plenty of pre-match, errrm … “atmosphere” in the ground.


The East and West stands at Harlow's impressive "Arena" stadium.

Harlow's home advantage is clear from their season's stats. Just 2 defeats in 24 league games is by far the best home record in the league; and a massive edge to take into such a crucial, final fixture. Just who had those two winning teams been, though? Brightlingsea Regent and ... yes, you guessed it, today's visitors, Hornchurch. So perhaps this really was still a 50-50 call. One look at the playing surface explained the source of much of that home superiority. It wasn't just the scale of the local support. Whisper it: nut Harlow play on an artificial, "3G" surface. "It's grass, Jim; but not as we know it!" With every bounce of the ball (and the ball was allowed to bounce a heck of a lot, sometimes from a very great height) small clouds of tiny black, rubber pellets could be seen flying off the surface. As someone who witnessed early attempts at playing professional football on artificial surfaces (at QPR's Loftus Road and Luton Town's Kenilworth Road) I can vouch that things are now very much improved, more than three decades on. There were no obvious seams or joins in the pitch, to affect the bounce of the ball. Players seemed surprisingly unworried by the possibility of 'grass' burns. Indeed, there was more "sliding in" on display than you might expect in the average Major League Baseball game. It was soon clear, however, that the visitors were taking some time to get accustomed to the degree of bounce off the surface - and the knack of keeping one's footing, when turning at speed. Unfamiliar spectators were also treated to the curious sight of those little black spouts of rubber debris coming up out of every footfall and ball bounce around the pitch.

It appears the Harlow PA system is used to broadcast regular, loud air-raid sirens at various critical moments of the club's games. Its first deployment was to welcome both teams to the pitch. It should have sounded something of a warning to Hornchurch, who were subjected to a blitz of first-half superior intensity from the home side, while the visitors initially struggled to gauge the pace and bounce of the pitch - and the tenor of the game.

There were quite a few 'larger-framed' chaps on display. The Urchins' #6, Dave Collis, is an experienced 34 year-old journeyman who boasts exposure with both Barnet and Charlton "B". The home crowd delighted in suggesting he was no longer entirely in control of his diet; linking him to excessive pie consumption and a sponsorship deal with Greggs The Bakers. It was banter he was happy to demonstrate he could easily ignore; showing nouse, poise and control (though perhaps not "grace") under fire - and revealing himself to be one of the visitors' best assets. Collis wasn't the only 'generously-built' player on show; but he was the one receiving the most 'stick'. Despite allowing their hosts early dominance of possession and territory, it was Hornchurch who had the first on-target efforts and the first corner of the game. A rather physical contest was developing and the youthful referee, Mr. Paul Howard, was content to allow some of the obvious big-match tension to be worked out that way. To a neutral observer it may have come as something of a surprise to find that the only booking of the match was not served out until the 87th minute; to Harlow Town's influential #7, Jared Small.

It was extremely possible that Harlow's early pressure and tempo could leave them tiring in the later stages of the game, on a warm afternoon, if they didn't reap some first-half rewards in front of goal. Several early Harlow attacks ended in indecision, uncertainty and confusion amongst the Hornchurch defence; and some miscommunication with their 'keeper. The Hawks looked the hungrier side; Hornchurch the less settled. Amidst plenty of thud and blunder, it was perhaps appropriate that the first, messy score of the game should come from an own goal. Harlow's Junior Dadson crossed from deep on the left, feeding Piers Wixon, whose shot came back off the Urchins' cross-bar, only to rebound into the net, off Hornchurch's hapless Elliot Styles: 1-0. Things got worse for the visitors just before the half-hour mark. As yet another Hornchurch attack broke down, from a corner, the cover provided by their #7, Abs Thompson (who had stayed deep to allow the big units to go forward) proved inadequate. His weak, defensive header fell straight to his opposite number, Harlow's Small. Faced with a three-on-two advantage, Small threaded a neat, intelligent through-ball for his #9, top scorer Alex Read, who did good work, drawing out 'keeper, Sam Mott, before unselfishly delivering a neat square pass for #10 Wixon to finish calmly, into an empty net: 2-0. Cue the air-raid sirens, some relaxation of the remaining home tension - and a lot of red-and-white flag-waving.

Curiously, this appeared to be the somewhat belated cue for Hornchurch to grab the game by the scruff of the neck and impose some possession of their own. I offered Glenn the opinion that the visitors were still far from out of the contest. That a goal before half-time could yet open things up, dramatically. A prescient cliché, as it eventually turned out. Despite improved possession, however, the Urchins continued to look oddly blunt 'up front'; with their hosts' GK, Hughes, barely called into action. That was until the 41st minute. Hornchurch's Tambeson Eyong went down in the Harlow area, under a challenge from Jared Small. If The Hawks had done their homework better, they might have noticed a portent concealed in an anagram of Eyong's full name: "Beg a Stony Omen". Perhaps what followed truly had been written in the stars, after all. It looked a fairly harsh call; but referee Howard showed no hesitation in awarding a Hornchurch penalty. Small had, foolishly, given him a decision to make. Now it was the visitors' top-scorer who took centre-stage. George Purcell stepped up, after a short delay (for the now traditional challenges to the referee's authority, ability and parentage) to hit the ball firmly past Hughes; having sent him the wrong way. It was, apparently, Purcell's 41st goal of a busy season, in total; and it reminded Harlow that they were still in a game: 2-1.

Hawks 'keeper Hughes: he is about to go the wrong way (to his right) for Purcell's confident penalty strike.

With the excitement building again (both on the pitch and off it, in the stands) the game was brought to a halt for some alternative entertainment, thoughtfully provided by a number of the by now very well "refreshed" locals. Having annexed a supposedly reserved, yellow-painted, hatched area of the concourse, in between the teams' two dug-outs, some Harlow fans began banging on the roof above the visiting coaching staff's seating. They then suggested various alternative views and opinions on such important footballing matters as their guests' sexuality and the historical behaviour and character attributes of their parents. In moments, the fuse had been lit and thirty or more folk (lads and a few local 'ladies') were eagerly trading punches and insults, throwing drinks and generally "giving it large", across the barrier separating fans from pitch. I can now add, to the rich tapestry of my long-running football spectating experiences, the unusual sights and sounds of a colourful punch-up; and a club manager, in respectable suit and tie, repeatedly yelling at fans of his own side to "F*ck Off! Just F*ck Right Off!" Eventually they did just that, once a brave stadium steward had forcefully made his presence felt. These were interventions for which he and Harlow's gaffer, Danny Chapman, were warmly applauded by all those other less physically 'involved' fans, nearby. If any footage of the incident were to come to the attention of the FA, or if the referee's match report is in any way reflective of actual events, I suspect Harlow could face a number of serious charges for breaching various match-day health and safety requirements. After an extended delay, the game eventually restarted; but not before most of the earlier momentum and energy had been drawn from the action by these unpleasant proceedings. That loss of tempo from the match was almost certainly of more benefit to Harlow than it was to their visitors who, before the interruption, had looked the more likely to score again.

With no further incidents of note, the first half was brought to a delayed conclusion; and fans were left to calm down and discuss in a civilised manner the merits of the exertions they had witnessed both on the field of play and off it. It was interesting to note later that the Hornchurch club's website match report made only a passing reference to the disturbance, incorrectly describing it as "an altercation between the two dugouts". While Harlow's equivalent (perhaps unsurprisingly) made no reference to it at all. If this game had featured on Match of the Day, it could well have been one of the central stories; with multiple camera angles, slow-motion action replays and in depth analysis. Not unlike coverage of the recent Battle of Stamford Bridge (Chelsea vs. Spurs in the EPL). My photo of the incident barely does it justice. This snap was taken slightly after the event. It had all flared up so fast and I was so surprised by the turn of events ... that my camera was turned off! Note that the players and referee are all standing a long way off.

Some People Are On The Pitch - Part 3: "Before and After" - that impromptu mêlée subsides, late in the first half (above). Rapidly, if belatedly, deployed Haz-Chem tape and a sunglasses-toting steward secure the disputed hatched area battleground, in the second half (below).

As the second half got under way, with the score at 2-1, there was a palpable sense that another goal at one end or the other could swing the momentum of the game strongly either way. That was not, however, the cue for a change to the 'cagey' play. Midfield tussles continued and it was an enthralling spectacle for the neutral. That was until eight minutes into the second half. At this point, Hornchurch's goalie, Sam Mott, was badly injured as he dived at the feet of Junior Dadson, who was stretching to convert a low cross from Syrus Gordon. There followed a delay of almost ten minutes as Mott was un-shirted, treated, bandaged and finally cleared to continue. Which was probably a relief for whomsoever would have had to go in goal instead of him. It was yet another unexpected delay which annulled, once again, any momentum the visitors had been building. It was also clear that Mott was not entirely 100%: his head wound making him now even more tentative than previously; and visibly shaken.

Some People Are On The Pitch - Part 4: Concern for shirtless Mott the Hoople leads to another extended stoppage.

I was watching events through the lens of potential future Enfield opponents. My own conclusions were that Hornchurch relied heavily on one man to break down opposition play and initiate moves (the ageing 'pie-man' Collis); while Harlow looked generally sharper 'up front' - making stretching runs into the forward channels and being a hyper-active nuisance. Both sides looked shaky and overly physical at the back; but neither would likely be disgraced, if playing against Tier 7 opposition, with a couple of judicial acquisitions. While I was mulling all this over, the game came to an end as an effective contest. In the 70th minute, the hosts left-back, #3 Layne Eadie, advanced towards the Urchins' penalty area, unchallenged. With time and space on his side - and still some 25 yards out - he drove a thundering, if speculative, effort across Mott and high into the right-hand corner of the net: 3-1. Would Mott have stopped that shot, if he had not been injured, earlier? That will remain an unanswerable question. The third Harlow goal lead to the best song of the afternoon. To the tune of The Automatic's "What's That Coming Over the Hill?", the home fans improvised an alternative response: "Is it Promo-shun? Is it Pro Mo-Shuuuun?". Glenn noted it was unlikely the band had originally envisioned such a use. I suspect they might have been impressed by the fans' creative hijacking.

Harlow's players celebrate in front of their Ultras, after Eadie's 'wonder strike'."Is it Promo-shun? Is it Pro Mo-Shuuuun?"

There followed the predictable series of substitutions and pack-shufflings: Hornchurch trying to pose new questions of their hosts; Harlow trying to run the clock down and break up any of their visitors' remaining momentum. Any goal threat came almost exclusively from Harlow, though; and Mott was called into action regularly in the later stages, as Hornchurch's desperation to go forward left them desperately stretched at the back. The injured goalie proved his mettle - and what might have been, had he not picked up that earlier knock.

Under cerulean skies, Harlow soaked up everything else The Urchins had to throw at them. Genuine warmth remained in the late-Spring air, as the referee (eventually) blew his whistle for the final time; but warmth was not in the responses of Hornchurch's faithful away following. Curses flew readily from the mouths of many of their fans. Were they unhappy at their side's slow start, their insufficient calibre and efforts, the pitch, the referee, THAT punch-up, their 'keeper's unfortunate injury - or all of the above? It mattered little. Failing any later intervention by the FA, Harlow Town had used their home advantage (by fair means or foul?) to massive effect; securing that all-important play-off final win - and (lucrative?) promotion to Tier 7. At the third attempt.

Late action in Harlow's goal-mouth; but, when it really mattered, Hornchurch (in yellow) could not muster a goal from open play. Over-awed by the occasion, the atmosphere and by small, black, rubber pellets that probably got everywhere.

"Some People Are on the Pitch. They Think it's All Over ... It Is NOW!"

By the time I had finished writing all of that, Dulwich had allowed East Thurrock to win their Tier 7 play-off final 3-1; and to grab that all-important promotion place. So it seems Enfield Town will face both Dulwich (again) AND Harlow, next season. Bring it on!

Meanwhile, Spurs had also fluffed their lines in that latest "Battle of Stamford Bridge". They got over-excited under intense pressure, allowing Leicester City to (finally) bask in the glory of their successful, 5,000-1 EPL title shot. The movie rights to this last, East Midlands story may already have been sold; but the tale of Enfield Town's phoenix-like rise from the ashes of Southbury Road and 1999 is still in the making. This year, Burnley, Wigan and Northampton are already on the move. Others will follow them, over the next few days. "It" is never, really, "All Over" at all, is it? Come on, you Towners!

P.S. As a Fulham fan of forty years standing, I still bear an entirely reasonable and deep-seated grudge against Leicester City for their having stolen 'our' promotion spot to the English top tier, back in the 1982 - '83 season. It's a long story, involving the goals of "Saint" bloody Gary Lineker and Alan "Sniffer" Smith; plus a final-day match at The Baseball Ground that has still never finished ... surely the longest game in the history of professional football. These are definitely the sorts of football grudge that are well worth nurturing, don't you think?

Culture Vulture Reference:
*Quote taken from "The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!" (1988)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095705/

Three of a Kind - Part III ... and JUST ahead of the 'regular season' finale showdown

Enfield Town versus Needham Market - 3pm k-o
Sat. 16th April - The Ryman League Premier Division

Enough of the niceties, already! Let's just get straight down to the nitty-gritty business of trying to understand all those staggering statistics, arising from recent results in everybody's favourite non-league football division; and the preponderance of potential permutations. Calculators at the ready? Then let's begin. Those readers who are joining this unfolding story late, could do a lot worse than read the two earlier blog entries, below, first. As previously promised, this latest entry at last brings us bang up-to-date - finally.

It is an intrinsic element of The Beautiful Game in its 21st Century form that, at these late stages of the season's proceedings, football fans reach for a copy of the league tables, one absolutely last time. They dust off their long-forgotten mathematical skills, to try and reach a better understanding of their teams' (diminishing?) prospects. Well, the Ryman Premier League has now reached just that stage in its proceedings; and why should we be any different from the rest? With the unwelcome, mocking laughter of the football gods, ringing in our ears, there is nothing much else to do now but take an in-depth look at the situation - before it becomes too late to matter. Forget all the rolling news items about the UK's EU referendum, Queen Liz's 90th birthday, or Prince's passing at Paisley Park. This is where the serious stuff of our existence unfolds. As the late, great and eminently quotable Bill Shankly, of course, famously once said (perhaps only half in jest?): "Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that" ... and no more so than in the seventh tier of English football.

When we last "spoke" (see previous post, below) Enfield Town had secured two of the six-wins-in-a-row that manager Brad Quinton had demanded from his players. He had said it was the minimum requirement; but the truth was, after failing to beat 10-man Dulwich Hamlet, even that demanding "minimum requirement" might not prove to be enough. Enfield's fate was simply no longer in their own hands; which makes the maths complicated. What has happened since then though, Des?

Well, just two days after that last reported match, The Towners entertained Grays Athletic and emerged victorious, thanks to a cool, calm Corey Whitely penalty in each half. The club's website headline said: "Town do just enough"; but it was not clear yet whether it really was going to be enough. We'd gone into the match relying on high-flying Bognor getting something out of their game against play-off rivals Dulwich. Not an unreasonable hope; but they did not. They emerged with nothing, in a 2-0 defeat. Although elsewhere, Kingstonian did do Enfield a favour when they dropped points at home to likely relegation candidates, Lewes. In a microcosm of this topsy-turvy Ryman Premier season, just two evenings later, Kingstonian then recovered their composure to hand Bognor their third successive beating. As a result, The Rocks' title ambitions suddenly looked to be, errrm ... on the rocks; but they would drop no more points in their next 5 games, re-exerting their earlier pressure on Champions-elect, Hampton & Richmond Borough whom, coincidentally, Enfield were scheduled to play away, on the final day of the season.

The week-end after their win over Grays, Enfield went on the road and comfortably stole all 3 points again, courtesy of a convincing 0-4 away win at Merstham. Just to make a game of it, both Kingstonian and Dulwich decided to drop points on that same day; both unable to get more than an away draw at Brentwood and Leiston, respectively. "Curiouser and curiouser!” Cried Alice (she was so much surprised that, for the moment, she quite forgot how to speak good English)* - see Culture-Vulture foot-note.

Two days later, Kingstonian then began a tail-spin of astonishing proportions. Wasting their several games in hand, they lost twice in eight days (home and away) to strugglers Farnborough; those defeats also sandwiching a third, miserable away result, at Staines. The wags on the Enfield terraces had been right, after all, then, about those 'points in hand' being better than beating about the birds in the bush. This string of late defeats had terminally dented Kingstonian's play-off hopes; and left Enfield with only one realistic rival for that final play-off place: those darned Dulwich dandies remained in the driving seat. The latter went to struggling Brentwood for a mid-week evening game, with the best wishes of every Towners fan urging on the home Essex side. Brentwood's boys responded and built upon their recent battling point against Kingstonian, by ... giving up an own goal in the second minute and going on to lose narrowly: 1-2. Ouch! So, in the week when Steve Davis finally retired (officially) from the professional game, Enfield find themselves needing snookers; and we are stuck right behind the Pinks, of Dulwich.

We arrived at THIS penultimate league game against "The Marketmen", still two agonising points behind Hamlet, needing to continue our run of consecutive wins that had now stretched to four; and hoping that relegated Lewes could yet do us a favour, away at Dulwich. That seemed unlikely; but stranger things have happened. You can see the pre-match situation outlined below. Regular readers may be all too aware already that scoring any one of those many missed chances 16 days earlier, against 10-man Dulwich, would have reversed our respective positions in the table, giving Enfield a one-point advantage. "Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda", as songstress Beverley Knight might have observed. Hypothetical "what-ifs", to be sure, do butter no parsnips!

It would be vital for Town NOT to take Needham too lightly in this fixture, despite their lowly league position. They were far from safe, themselves; and we could expect more than just passive resistance from the Suffolk boys, whose away record this season has actually been better than their home form. Amongst their ranks was some serious Football League experience; not least in the shapes of Goal Keeper Danny Gay (formerly of Southend); Winger James Akintunde (on loan from Cambridge United) and Central Midfielder Kemal Izzet (formerly of Charlton Athletic and Colchester United - younger brother of former Foxes' favourite and Turkey International 'Muzzy'). On paper, then, Needham looked exactly the sort of motivated and capable opposition you would NOT want to face, when securing three points was crucial.

A minor point, perhaps also worth mentioning in passing, is that Needham's team list ran in strict numerical order. A right rarity! Only 17 squad members were listed on the programme team sheet; and, compared to the jumble of Enfield's player numbers, it looked like they would be very easy to identify and follow. See below.

Magic Numbers, part I: Needham's line-up numbering. It looks perfect for those of us with OCD. A little too perfect, perhaps?

Despite the sparse showing of (just about two dozen) Needham fans in the away end, the game kicked off in front of Town's second-largest home crowd of the season (577). Perhaps it was, after all, only fitting that such a healthy number of Enfield fans had shown up for their club's final, home league game. The turn out re-emphasised the importance of the hoped-for result; and the degree of belief the home crowd still had in the club's prospects. Presciently, the Towners' board had decided to take up the centre-fold of the match-day programme not with the usual, naked, pert, local lovely; but with a whole crowd of local beauties, captured during a better weather day (see below).

Artist's Impression (above) versus the cold reality (below): 

home fans in regulation hats, gloves, scarves & winter coats.

The main features of the game's early play were total Enfield dominance - and a bitingly cold North Middlesex wind. Fans stood complaining that the wind chill meant it didn't feel like our final home game of the season; but more like a Christmas holiday special. Town hit the woodwork as early as the fifth minute; a powerful strike from Centre Back Claudiu Vilcu, up for one of many Enfield first-half corners. It took all of Danny Gay's Football League guile to keep the visitors in the game. He made a string of fine saves and commanded his area well. At least until the 36th minute; when Town's second-highest scorer of the season, Bobby Devyne, drove in a left-foot shot. Gay still managed to get his hand on the effort; but not enough to keep it out. He continued to thwart Enfield's efforts after that opening goal; and the half ended with the score-line at just 1-0.

Any residual Enfield nerves were largely settled by a second goal added early after the break, in the 47th minute. Super-skipper Mark Kirby made a nuisance of himself at yet another corner; and his header was eventually put away by his Right Back, Harold Joseph. Needham just wouldn't go quietly, however. Although the visitors struggled to gain much possession, Town's Nathan McDonald was still called upon to make several key contributions, in order to maintain the home side's 2-goal advantage. Enfield battled without success to add to the score-line, despite dominating territory and possession. Gay continued in fine form and Needham frustrated their rampant hosts fairly well; if sometimes not entirely legally. Referee Nigel Smith probably enjoyed his fifteen seconds of fame and finger-wagging, at the most illustrious name on the pitch; before finally producing a yellow card for Muzzy's little bruvver (#8, looking a little repentant / frustrated, below).

With just a couple of minutes left to play, manager Brad Quinton decided he should turn to his favourite substitute; the one character he can always rely on: himself. That vote of self-confidence turned out to be an inspired decision. With the game rolling relentlessly into added time, the 37 year-old Quinton was involved in a number of set pieces, on the Enfield left. Who should take this throw? I think will. Who should take this free-kick? I think I will. Until, with one of the final moves of the game, Bad Brad (#17, below) received a neat through-ball, with far too much space and time, from Tyler Campbell (#12, on the ball, centre, captured in mid drag-back). Quinton turned, looked up and, seeing Gay well off his line and, for once, seemingly unaware of the potential danger, he sent an exquisite, high lob across the goal, over the retreating guardian's head; and just under the cross-bar, into the top-right corner of the Needham net: 3-0. Grinding out results had finally become a good Enfield Town habit. If only such success could have started somewhat earlier in the season, the league table might now look very different.

From this move, substitute midfielder Quinton would receive, turn and score the best goal of the game; possibly of the season. 

Perhaps unsurprisingly, everybody seemed to want to celebrate with (occasional player-) manager, Bradley. Yes, the age-old tradition of "licking up" to the boss was still alive and kicking in Donkey Lane. Even the wintry sun had come out to play. Finally!

That's Gay, that is ... despondent, in front of Enfield's main stand. The visitor's excellent 'keeper couldn't single-handedly maintain Needham's hopes for vital survival points.

In an unexpected development, it turned out that Needham had actually lied on their team sheet, about that easy-to-follow numbering. Perhaps it was in the hope of confusing the Towners defence. The club's top-scorer, Michael Brothers, had craftily refused his published #9 shirt, preferring the rarely-seen #19. Regardless, he drew a blank. I will leave it to the referees and barrack-room lawyers amongst us to decide what technical infringements (if any?) had occurred, here.

 Magic Numbers, part II: Izzet and Brothers ... or is it?

After the game, Enfield's manager was suitably effusive, after securing his fifth successive win (and that stunning, final goal): "it’s been awesome. Everyone has been performing...we play for everything”, Quinton said. That's probably just as well, since - as the penultimate league table, below, makes clear - Town's fate remains in the hands of their rival teams; and the football gods. There's everything still to play for; but, with Kingstonian now, remarkably, out of the mix altogether, we travel to the champions-elect on Saturday, needing an away win to have ANY chance of securing that final play-off place. A draw would be worthless. Even a win might well also be so. If Dulwich can only secure a single point on their travels to Needham Market, then their +9 goal difference will (surely) be enough to see them "home". Another, final victory would be Enfield's sixth in a row; as demanded by Bradley, just those few short weeks ago; and it's still not impossible that we might land it. Hampton & Richmond Borough sit pretty at the top of the table, it's true. They are three points clear of Bognor Regis Town, with a +4 GD. Bognor, however, play at home to 18th-placed Hendon, for whom the game is a 'dead rubber'; while Hampton will, of course, host the 'hungry' Towners - who will have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Will that situation be enough to harden Hampton's resolve; or will the pressure make them fluff their lines? The home side ("The Beavers" - I kid you not!) boast an impressive level of Football League experience, pedigree and 'nouse' across their squad. As well as a pair of loan-ees from Brentford and AFC Wimbledon, they also have at least 8 other players with Big League smarts. Not least their Dominican international (OK, so he was born in Kilburn - but who's gonna quibble over that?) Richard Pacquette, whose profile suggests he may have played for about half of all the clubs in the South-East of England. Including a number of decent Football League sides; and QPR.

Town go into the final weekend as the form side in the league, over the last seven games: unbeaten in eight. Meanwhile, they also know that Dulwich Hamlet are by no means guaranteed any additional points, on their own travels to Needham. Their Suffolk hosts (The Towners' latest victims, of course) currently inhabit the final, unwanted, relegation berth. They could surely have no better motivation than to try and over-take Burgess Hill Town with their final roll of the dice; and they will know that they do need all three points to have any realistic hopes of surviving, given their -10 GD versus the Sussex side. That suits Enfield nicely, whose fans will be hoping that Gay can recreate his Donkey Lane heroics; that Izzet's 35 year-old legs can dominate Dulwich, as they (fortunately) failed to do against Enfield; and that Akintunde can get on the score-sheet ... several times! An early home goal could certainly put the Suffolk cat amongst the South-London pigeons - or something. The Marketmen will also be buoyed by the possibility that Burgess Hill will be heavily out-gunned in their own tussle with play-off qualifiers Tonbridge Angels. By way of a rough guide to the likelihood of Enfield's hopes: current on-line odds for a Town victory are 9/2 (2/5-on for a defeat; and 7/2 the draw). Meanwhile Needham and Dulwich have only ever played each other once in the league ... with The Marketmen picking up a rare away win. We will be hoping they can complete an unlikely 'double' over South London's finest. Complicated, ain't it? Or perhaps the situation is sheer simplicity, itself. All of this to unfold on Saint George's / Shakespeare's Day! It makes me think about drafting out an appropriate little speech**:

"... And gentlemen in England now a-bed

Shall think themselves accursed they were not here;

And hold their manhoods cheap ..." 

At least there has been no dodgy FA interference, this season; no brutally decisive, last-minute points deductions. So far! If Enfield (whisper it) fail this season, it will have been fair and square, this time, for a change; and all their own fault. With a relatively simple explanation. An old college buddy (Ed) maintains an unhealthy interest (some would say)  in a wide range of football statistics. He has provided the following, gleamingly relevant example of his excellent work. This graph shows the evolution of Enfield Town's season, at a glance; "warts and all"; and neatly illustrates where the problem lay. Points earned are shown, less the number of matches played. From this, it is very clear that The Towners foolishly gave the rest of the league more or less a nine-game head-start. Which is rarely considered to be a good strategy, even "at this level". Brad's boys' current win record of five-in-a-row is very impressive, certainly. It could yet become six, too; but all of that might still prove irrelevant, if other parties were not to play their part, as described above. Fans could well yet be left contemplating that, if only we had started the season on the same day as everybody else, then we could (perhaps?) have been clear, outright winners of the Ryman Premier Division, this year. Rather than mere wannabe play-off contenders. Equally, maybe the fault lies with the odd point dropped elsewhere, throughout the season; or the odd away defeat to strugglers? Or merely "in our stars"***. Although post mortem examinations have already begun at Craven Cottage into Fulham's latest malaise (who have "dropped a league-high 28 points from match-leading positions in the Championship, this season.") there's little point in launching those worthless investigations and recriminations just yet. Not while the fat lady is still just warming up in her dressing-room; and not with all those big, crucial, inter-connected games looming, this Saturday. Come On, You Towners! And Good Luck, You Marketmen ... not an expression one hears very often in Enfield.

The World Enfield Town, According to Ed - many thanks for the added clarity!

It remains to be seen whether we will yet have the opportunity to reconvene and follow Enfield's participation in the Ryman Premier League play-offs. Most serious sports fans will be hoping we do. If only as a brief distraction from the current prevalence of Vardy-mania.

There's also the more minor matter of the Middlesex County Cup Final, scheduled to be played on Saturday 7th May, between Enfield Town and Northwood (of the Southern Football League, Division One Central). We'll be hoping it provides us with one final day in the sun, before thoughts turn to foreign parts and distant, summer beaches. Although, as I said, that is definitely a more minor matter; and Towners fans would probably trade their Cup Final berth for a play-off place, in a heart-beat.

To Be Continued ... ?

Culture-Vulture foot-notes:

a) "Fine words butter no parsnips" - for an explanation of this phrase's meaning and origins, see:  http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/fine-words-butter-no-parsnips.html
b) *lines taken from Lewis Carroll's "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" - which you already knew.
c) ** Henry V: Act 4, Scene 3 -  in the English camp
d) *** Julius Caesar: Act 1, Scene 2

Three Of A Kind – Part 2

Enfield Town versus Bognor Regis Town - 7.45pm 8pm k-o 
Thursday 31st March - The Ryman League Premier Division

You may remember, from the previous installment of your favourite non-league football blog, that Enfield had recently been the lucky recipients of a gift horse. That was when Dulwich Hamlet central defender, Matt Drage, was sent off for a second, first-half yellow card, during Town’s previous home game. It had seemed a golden opportunity to close the four-point gap between the teams; but Enfield showed their ongoing determination to look such gift horses firmly in the mouth, by failing to take their chances and scraping an ultimately disappointing 2-2 draw; in which they were forced to come from behind (fnah!). Twice (fnah, fnah!). Since then, they had gone to Brentwood just two days later, on Bank Holiday Monday, and escaped with all three points, in a hard-fought contest with the relegation-threatened Essex boys. Alas, Dulwich's narrow home win on the same day, against fellow play-off berth sitters, Tonbridge Angels (after two early Hamlet goals) had done nothing to reduce either the points deficit or total still required by Enfield.

So, when fourth-placed Bognor Regis Town came a-calling on the last evening of March (only three further days later) Enfield were sitting pretty on a recent record of just one defeat in their last 10 league fixtures; AND they had delivered the first of those six wins on-the-trot that manager Brad Quinton had demanded, after disappointment of those dropped points in our “six-pointer” against Dulwich. Bognor’s own position was a somewhat false one, since they had FIVE games in hand on the two teams above them. A fixture backlog caused mostly by their success in reaching the semi-finals of the FA Trophy (where they were beaten home and away, by Grimsby). Any modicum of success in those extra games should have Bognor placed second; possibly challenging Hampton & Richmond Borough for the title of division champions – and the coveted automatic promotion place.

Those all-important pre-match stats, from the Enfield programme. Even when "blown up", things didn't look great for The Towners.

Brad Quinton has talked openly this season of feeling he has strength in depth within his squad. He made four changes from his previous starting line-up, at Brentwood, for what promised to be a tough Bognor challenge. Town needed a win to stay in the play-off hunt. The visitors needed a win to maintain their challenge for the league title. Even if Brad thinks he has a strong squad, he might still envy the resources available to his opposite number. Bognor’s strong challenge for the lead of the Ryman Premier has been helped by four loanees from the Football League’s south coast clubs: Connor Tighe & Chike Kandi (both on loan from Brighton & Hove Albion) and Chad Field & Snorre Nilsen (both on loan from Portsmouth – it was assumed, on the home terraces, that the Norway flag on display at the far end was for Snorre’s benefit). Add in the League experiences of Alex Parsons (at Bournemouth) and Jason Prior (at AFC Wimbledon – who would captain the side for this game) and there was a decidedly formidable look to the current squad of this 133 year-old club. It was no wonder they had performed so strongly in both league and cup, this season.

"Where's Wally?": Pre-match, sunset floodlight 'porn', courtesy of Bognor's delayed arrival.

Thursday is an unusual day of the week for top class football. When it was announced that the kick-off would be delayed by 15 minutes, due to the late arrival of the Bognor team bus (the rush-hour M25 shows no mercy; not even for élite athletes!) there was a distinct groan - and a realisation that we could probably also expect a fairly small away following to have made the demanding, 230-mile, mid-week round-trip. More annoying than the delayed start was the irritating and liberal use of an air horn by the away fans; presumably in a desperate effort to make up for their small numbers with a large, artificial noise.

Delayed first-half action, in front of the main stand. Enfield are in yellow.

The home side showed their visitors little respect in the early exchanges. Town showed more appetite and hogged both possession and territory. The Towners generally show little fear, at home. Only the top two sides boast better home records in the league this season: current table-toppers Hampton and … tonight’s visitors. Rather, it is our way record that may well prove to have been costly, once the fat lady does, eventually, stumble onto the stage and finally sing her heart out. Things started to get interesting after 25 minutes when Snorre Nilsen caught the Enfield defence napping. The Bognor #7 flicked a header on the right beyond his marker who, apparently in awe of the Norwegian's dexterity, looked on, impressed as Nilsen continued his run, collected his own pass and sent in a low cross, out of the reach of Enfield GK, McDonald, caught flat-footed. The Rocks' #9, skipper Jason Prior then achieved the rare and unexpected feat of stopping his own scuffed effort on goal, almost sitting on the ball inside the Enfield 6-yard box. More defensive dithering by the home side, however, gave Prior the freedom of the Town goal-mouth for a second bite at his own cherry, even whilst he remained sitting on the ground, almost on the Enfield goal-line. He (eventually) put Bognor ahead with his stabbed, follow-up Keystone Cops effort: 0-1; and play-off hopes were receding with the South-Coast tide.

Undaunted, Enfield simply went up the other end and scored two goals of their own, in the space of just three minutes. Firstly, in the 32nd minute, Corey Whitely volleyed a speculative shot, through a crowd of players and beyond the Bognor 'keeper, Grant Smith, after the visitors had failed to properly clear their lines from an Enfield corner. This was quickly followed by the go-ahead goal. An Enfield free-kick was, again, not dealt with. The ball eventually falling to super-skipper, Mark Kirby. It was easier for him to score than miss. Fortunately; and the score-line remained 2-1 up until the end of the half, despite plenty of further action at both ends.

Corey Whitely's shot (he's in the background, peering through the crowd) creeps in at the far post for the first of Enfield's two goals. (Photo: Tom Scott) 

In the second half, Bognor showed why they are strong challengers for the league title. Undaunted by the deficit and mostly unhurried, they sought hard for their equaliser. They looked very well-drilled and organised; happily playing the ball across their back line consistently and probing for Enfield gaps, before launching each of their many attacks. For once, Town sat back a little, prepared to soak up the pressure and let their visitors do most of the work. The Bognor air-horn was now heard somewhat less often. It was attritional stuff and allowed home fans the luxury of some quality time, in which to reflect once again on the maths of the situation. With no other games being played in the Premier League that night, if the score remained unchanged, it would put a dent in Bognor's title and automatic promotion hopes; but it would guarantee no more for Enfield than perhaps a temporary reduction of the points gap to Dulwich. That missed opportunity to dent 10-man Hamlet's hopes, by scoring any one of the many chances Enfield had enjoyed, just a few days earlier, was already starting to look potentially very costly. A win would still, though, put added pressure on them and fellow play-off hopefuls Kingstonian; who, prior to this game, had been one point ahead of Town, with a brace of spare games in-hand. Wise heads in the Enfield crowd happily voiced the opinion that points in the bank were better at this stage of the season than a couple of dodgy birds in the bush. Or something. These impromptu maths and philosophy lessons in the home end, were then interrupted by Billy Crook and Doug Tuck. They enlivened what little remained of the evening with a touch of completely unnecessary 'hand-bags', late on in the game. Both sides took it as the cue for a little 'fracas'.

Enfield's Tyler Campbell (R) is first on the scene to try separating Billy Crook (L) and Doug Tuck as their libertango disintegrates into a gentleman's excuse-me. (Photo: Tom Scott)

To the home fans, it looked a clear, straight red card for the Bognor bruiser, for his well-executed pushing and shoving; and perhaps a yellow one for Crook. An extra man advantage (again!) might have eased any remaining fears amongst Towners fans. After long deliberations with both his assistants, however, the referee "bottled it" and issued a yellow card to each player; when there had clearly been only one belligerent party. Luckily, his latest terrible decision had little effect on the result of the game. As the final minutes ticked by, Enfield were happy to introduce the ball to a new friend, the corner flag; and Bognor forget (if they ever knew) how to seek out a more direct route towards the Enfield goal.

Floodlights AND corner flags. What more could you ask for? Moments later there was an up-ended flag and a tangle of writhing bodies in the foreground.

The game ended in a satisfactory 2-1 Enfield win; meaning that Brad's boys had delivered the first two of those six wins 'on the bounce' he had demanded. They were now the serious form side in the league, with just one defeat in their last 11 fixtures. Town climbed to sixth place, only one point behind Dulwich and just outside the play-off places; albeit having played an extra game. Kingstonian, meanwhile, were two points and one place behind us, with three games in hand. Hmmmm!

To Be Continued ...