Friday 21 October 2016

Of Badgers, Bias and "Bogey" Teams

Fulham vs. Norwich City - 7.45pm k-o

Tuesday 18th October, 2016 - The English Football League Championship


Let me begin this week's walk around The Pyramid with a public information announcement; and some great news from Pharaoh Central. This week I've slipped "Over the Border" and arrived on Essex's unsuspecting airwaves for the first time. Yes, the Football Pharaoh has gone multi-media, at last; and you can hear Des's Dulcet DroneTM at 8pm UK time on Thursdays, via the "Bryn & Bill Football Radio Show" at: www.colneradio.comOr, if you just can't wait, alternatively you can catch up with Episode 6 now, via Mix Cloud: https://www.mixcloud.com/brynandbill/new-episode-06-bryn-bill-football-radio-show-with-charlie-adam-des-morecambe-plymouth/

After that brief 'plug', let's now get onto the serious business ...

Biased View from the Neutral(?) Zone

“Neutral” is a strange word to associate with soccer. Is there truly any such thing as neutral in the world of Real Football? There is one small area of West London, at least, that likes to pretend that there really is. To be more precise, it's in the Putney End of Fulham's ground, near what is known as Cottage Corner, alongside the iconic pavilion (constructed in 1905).

Cottage Corner: who gives an "F..."? (Photo: FFC website)

It was from Fulham's so-called "Neutral" area that I would be watching Tuesday night’s game, given that I would be accompanied by a couple of friends, who are staunch Norwich fans – and, of course, die-hard turkey-loving caricatures. In truth, it is more of a “mixed” area than a neutral one. Featuring, as it does: Home and Away: men and women; adults and children; fans of The 'Bootiful' Game ... and random passers-by, apparently.
Real football fans can be relied upon for one sure thing, at least: and that is the heartfelt projection of biased views of their own team’s exploits. Why should I, or this match, prove any different, regardless of where I sat? I met up with former Guinness work colleague and Canary, Mike; and his partner in crime Giles, who share between them a pair of Norwich season tickets. Both now live in the South-East. My sports fan son, Callum, made up our foursome for this mid-week match-up. Given Fulham's current place, 2nd from bottom of the Divisional Home Form table, Craven Cottage is in danger of becoming better known as the Theatre of Screams; The Stadium of Fright ... or something worse. There were sure to be widely differing opinions on this game, from the opposite sides of the conflict; but you will only hear one side on THIS blog page.
Johnny Haynes's statue; and The Football League's oldest stand.

An added frisson of rivalry might have been thought to be in play, given Norwich’s notorious record of no wins in 30 years, at SW6’s favourite sports venue. Bogey teams (in German, “Angstgegner {m}”) are a source of constant fascination for sports fans. As they are also for sports media editors with a tight deadline - and a content crisis. Pretty much everybody plumbs these 
lazily explored depths from time to time, as you can see from the following list. So why, again, should I be any different?
http://www.simplesoccerstats.com/blog/2013/10/17/hit-or-myth-does-the-bogey-team-exist-betting-school-article/
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/picturegalleries/11267202/Premier-League-clubs-bogey-teams-as-Spurs-prepare-for-their-nemeses.html
http://www.fourfourtwo.com/features/revealed-your-premier-league-clubs-bogey-team
http://www.skysports.com/football/news/11661/10002861/premier-league-whos-your-clubs-bogey-team

Canaries - or Turkeys?

Meanwhile, back in the real world, and according to the Cambridge Dictionary, a bogey is “something that causes fear among a lot of people, often without reason”. The same reference site, however, also goes on to describe bogey as “a piece of dried mucus from inside the nose” – suggesting they may not be the most authoritative source on this biggest of sporting questions, after all. Given that Norwich haven’t won at Craven Cottage since 1986 - despite having made very many valiant attempts to do so - wasn’t it just possible that Fulham FC could actually be the real deal? … The genuine, bogey article in the psyche (and the nostrils) of Norwich City? Literally? Mike, incidentally, claims to have been there, on the happy highway of that blue-remembered day in ‘86 and sees it shining plain; as well as having searched on many others occasions since then, for “the land of lost content”; in fact some might suggest, perhaps a little unkindly, that he wears the search like a strange badge of inverted Norfolk honour.

Although Norwich have not excelled at keeping clean sheets this season, The Canaries were “flying high” (see what I did there?) at the top of the Championship, going into this fixture. Their nearest rivals, Newcastle United, remained the only side who have taken any points off Norwich in their last seven games (in fact all three, in their case, in a “stunning 4-3 come-back win” at St. James’s Park). Fulham by contrast, and despite excellent away form (which is second only to Newcastle in the Division) have taken just two points from the last 15 available at home, since their opening day win over (coincidentally) those recently relegated, Newcastle rogues. As a result, they lay fully nine places and nine points behind their visitors before this game.

At the start of the evening, Norwich City’s Cameron Jerome featured in the Championship’s top 10 scorers; while Fulham could boast nobody in the top 20, despite an average of 2.5 goals per fixture at Craven Cottage … two-thirds of which, unfortunately, had been scored by visiting sides. Indeed, The Cottagers’ on-loan Centre Forward, Chris Martin (himself a former Canary – and no, I don't mean Coldplay’s gurning front-man) could lay claim to only one league goal all season, after almost a dozen starts for Fulham and Derby County (his ‘parent’ club) combined. Norwich, meanwhile, had averaged 1.5 goals per game on the road, this term. Much as I might have liked it to be otherwise, then, a thumping home win and a headline like “Former Canary Haunts Travelling Yellows” remained a distant prospect. Although, then again, Norwich have been decidedly poor at keeping clean sheets this season; managing just two in their first 12 games – and none at all “On The Road”, Jack Kerouac-stylie. On balance, the jury was still out as to whether this would be the perfect opportunity for Norwich to secure 
their first win at The Cottage in thirty years.
 
          No, not THAT Chris Martin ... this one

Elsewhere, this week produced UK sports news stories covering all of the universe’s major themes: Life; Death AND Renewal. Cricket’s Alastair “Captain” Cook showed us all he was still very much alive, as he broke Alec Stewart's record tally of 133 Test caps for England, in his 134th appearance – against Bangladesh, in Chittagong. It was also announced that former Leeds United and Wales Goalkeeper, Gary Sprake (who made his international debut at just 18 years of age, in the year I was born) died. He had been an early whistle-blower from within the game; ostracised by his former Leeds teammates after casting aspersions about match fixing. Another link with that most memorable of years (1963 – do keep up!) concerns the ‘renewal’ at Bellingham’s “semi-derelict” Fellowship Inn, in South-East London. 'Enry Cooper’s training base (used before his famous ‘almost-a-victory’ bout against Cassius Clay  - later Muhammad Ali) is set to rise, Phoenix-like, from its own neglected ashes, in a lottery-funded £3.8m investment programme. And you can splash around an awful lot of the awful Brut 33 aftershave with that sort of cash.
 
My meanderings might have left readers wondering which would be the most likely theme to arise from the football fixture currently in hand: Life; Death or Renewal? There were contrasting headlines for each of the night’s adversaries on the BBC Sports webpages, which seemed to miss most of the relevant footballing issues altogether. Pre-match coverage of Fulham focused on their latest away win, at the weekend, 2 - 4 at Barnsley’s Oakwell stadium; but there has so far been little connection between Fulham’s home and away form, this season. Whereas Norwich coverage centred on the more serious matter of TV chef Delia’s backing for an appeal to find missing RAF Honington serviceman, Corrie McKeague – who had last been seen in Bury St Edmunds. As I write, the RAF man has not been seen for more than three weeks. It is very much to be hoped that Life will not deal out the Death card, yet again.

"Where are you?" - Delia Smith, supporting the appeal to find missing RAF serviceman Corrie Mckeague. She's 75, you know.


Without wishing to trivialise Mr. McKeague’s mysterious disappearance in any way, it prompted lighter-hearted considerations of who else might ‘go missing’ decisively, in the night’s big game. 
Other less controversial questions also being posed before kick-off included:
a)    Would historical performance be any guide to either clubs' match-day form?
b)    Could Fulham maintain Norwich’s three decade Craven Cottage hoodoo?
c)    Or would Norwich exploit Fulham’s home-sickness to finally break that 30-year spell?
d)    How much would Norwich miss the absent Jonny Howson?
e)    Could Chris Martin double his season’s goal tally, against his former employers?
The gladiators emerge from The Cottage; let battle commence.

The average gate at Fulham this season is over 19,000; but a fairly quiet 19,000, to be honest, if you exclude the visiting fans - many of whom humorously (and loudly) enquire “is this a library? – Sssshhh!” To be fair to the temporary residents of the Away end, in the case of most clubs, a fixture at Fulham is a rare opportunity for their fans to leave their gas-lit villages and travel to the bright lights of the big banana, where the streets are paved with gold and betting slips. So their boisterous, noisy fun is, perhaps, pardonable. For a 7.45pm kick-off in South-West London’s notoriously inaccessible river-side sporting mecca, the evening’s attendance of 17,000 plus was not a bad turn-out. Especially on a night when “Modern Football” could offer via one’s televisual apparatus coverage of the Champions LeagueTM  delights of Leicester City’s fascinating 1-0 home win over the giants of FC Copenhagen AND a scintillating 0 – 0 draw for Spurs at Bayer Leverkusen. The next evening would see Manchester City’s 10-man drubbing at the Nou Camp, under a blue moon; plus two glaring second-half errors from Kolo Toure which would gift Borussia Monchengladbach a comfortable 0-2 away win at Celtic Park. Unfortunately, there was not much of note in the first quarter of an hour, here at Fulham, for fans of either persuasion to get too over-excited about. Although there were a few exceptions.

Even as the usual late arrivals continued to take their seats, two early, threatening Norwich headers, both from corners, could and should have been capitalised upon. One, from ‘skipper’ Russell Martin (no relation to Fulham’s former Canary) was glanced all the way across goal from the near post, after a Robbie Brady corner on Norwich’s right. The other (also from a Robbie Brady corner, on Norwich’s right) was flicked on neatly by Russell Martin for the arriving Timm Klose who really should have got his firm effort, errrm … Kloser to the target. In between these missed headers, a Fulham break forced McGovern to get down low to his right in the visitors’ goal, to keep out an on-target effort across goal from Sone Aluko, after making a determined run from Fulham’s centre-right. Fulham deployed a pressing game from the start; resulting in some rushed play from both sides. Finesse was at a premium

Then the phoney war finally ended in the 17th minute and the action started in earnest, as the referee, the Isle of Wight’s finest(? – I sincerely hope not!) Mr. James Linington, awarded the visitors a generous early penalty / Christmas present. Did Fulham’s Left-Back, Scott Malone get to the ball first, before Norwich’s Jacob Murphy then tripped over his outstretched foot? It was a tough call; but I think so. Interestingly, the linesman (Ian Cooper) had finally flagged for an infringement only AFTER the referee had already whistled, pointed and rushed toward the penalty spot, clearly celebrating … a delay by the referee’s assistant which is often a tell-tale sign that the man with the clearest view of events doesn’t agree with his boss. Dorrans’s subsequent spot-kick was a poor one; but, luckily for him and Norwich, Button jumped clean out of its way, as it rolled down the middle of his area and into the net, past the place where his feet had so recently been firmly planted. Perhaps it was a mere technicality; but City’s Robbie Brady was clearly well inside the area, as Dorrans took his kick. From a Fulham perspective, Mr. Linington did not appear to have made a good start at all; and, in truth, a little pre-match research might have forewarned us of what might be to come; that he had “form”.

Murphy earns a "10" from the Russian judge, for his artistic interpretation; while Scott Malone watches the ball he had cleanly won run out for a corner. Whoops! 
(Photo: FFC website)

According to the stats on football-lineups.com, Linington had awarded 5 penalties in his previous 7 Football League fixtures. Back in 2015, he had also twice awarded more than one penalty in a single game. To add to that potentially trigger-happy finger of his, there was the reek of something unsatisfactory in the trail of headlines that seemed to follow his performances around: “Referee Linington steals the show with flurry of red and yellow cards”; “Birmingham City settle their problems with Burnley match referee James Linington”; “Referee 'mocked player over score-line'”; “Referee lost his red card against Cardiff”; “FA 'satisfied' with ref Linington”. That last headline is worthy of some further explanation, since 'satisfied' damns the official with faint praise. In Swansea's Carling Cup defeat to Scunthorpe, the top flight side were reduced to just six players when Idrizaj left the pitch, injured. Linington was accused of forcing the injured Austrian back onto the pitch, to prevent the ignominy of a match abandonment, having already sent off three Swans players, controversially; while Stephen Dobbie had also gone off injured, with no Swansea substitutions left available. Here then, it seemed, was a referee who remained blissfully unaware of Stan Lee’s much-quoted precept that "...with great power there must also come -- great responsibility!"

And then, almost before you could even say “Marvel Comics”, there was the afore-mentioned Mr. Linington once again, popping up in the area to gleefully award Norwich a 41st minute penalty (yes, another one – and even ‘softer’ than the first). Poor, put-upon little Scott Malone was found to have been at fault yet again  as, under minimal pressure, the 8-foot tall Jerome crumpled and fell gracelessly to Earth, like a Mars satellite whose parachute has been prematurely jettisoned.
Jerome Schiaparelli Mars probe jettisons parachute too early; earns penalty. (Photo: BBC) 

Perhaps Malone had forgotten to send this ref a Christmas card last year? If so, he was certainly regretting that gaffe now. Linington did not make the same mistake in return; showing the defender a nice yellow (early Xmas) card. Ho, ho, ho! Scott Parker also talked himself into the referee’s book with his captainly protests at Linington’s ineptitude.

Parker reminds Linington who's the boss. (Photo: FFC website)

Dorrans’s eventual second spot-kick was better than his first; just beating Button, low near his left-hand post, after the guardian had, this time, gone the right way. Brady & Hoolahan were both clearly in the penalty area, ready for any potential rebound or follow up, long before the kick was taken - of course! Well, if the ref’s not going to penalise you for it, you’d be crazy not to get in there, wouldn’t you? Malone must have been wishing he'd been the one who'd ‘gone missing’, instead of conceding these two pesky penalties.
Penalty, two / too?

There was still a chance for some belated ref redemption, though, before half-time; as, late on, Chris Martin surged onto an excellent low cross from the left by the unhappy Malone. Fulham’s Centre Forward was duly taken out by McGovern, inside his 6-yard box, as the ball trickled agonisingly wide, off the outside of the post. Home fans howled and eagerly awaited the third penalty of the half … only to see Mr. Linington resolutely indicating a goal-kick, instead. And he wasn’t even joking. Clearly he’d remembered that he had already reached his normal two-penalty limit. We reached the end of the first half with Fulham’s fans quieter even than usual. The wind coming in keenly off the river had been knocked from their proverbial sails; and it seemed as though most of those important pre-match questions had already been answered. It was time for both sides to re-group and assess their first 45 minutes of action and endeavour. The 0 - 2 score-line seemed to flatter Norwich. Neither side had really dominated; and it was only the plumber-referee's dodgy decisions that separated the two teams. Mike and Giles reminded us all, helpfully and somewhat nervously, that Norwich were unlikely to maintain a clean sheet; although this seemed mostly like false modesty and good manners, on their part.

Half-time "Silly Games". Janet Kay sang about them, in 1979.

The break saw Giles go optimistically, but unfruitfully, in search of refreshments; returning empty-handed from the unfeasibly long queues behind the Putney End stand. It also witnessed The Curious Incident of the Badger in the Night. Fulham’s mascot Billy the Badger, that is. Somewhat surreally, Billy held court on the half-way line during the break, as one fan from each club competed for a £1,000 cash prize by taking in part in what (during my more hedonistic student days) would historically have been referred to as “the stumps game”. Each fan in turn had to bend over, place their heads on a football and then spin around the ball fast, several times, without taking their head off the ball. This manoeuvre was to be followed by a slaloming run and dribble between a number of training cones, culminating in taking a shot at an empty practice goal-net. Those not familiar with this type of game may not fully appreciate that the repeated spinning action is designed to entirely disorientate the player, making them slalom even more than they had planned, often at right-angles to their chosen path, before falling over in a dizzy heap and being mocked by a restless, hungry and thirsty crowd of c. 17,000. Amazingly, however, one of the competitors completed the activity successfully and scored a goal, to claim the cash prize. Which of the two clubs was the fan representing; and was the prize awarded for a noble charity of their choosing? Nobody present can, surely, even begin to remember. The 17,000 of us were all just too agape at the antics of the participants, the compere and the be-suited Badger-man. No words can adequately describe and do justice to the scene. One can only begin to imagine what manner of carnage might otherwise have ensued, had the competitors each also been required to first ‘down’ the normally mandatory (in my world, at least) pint of ‘snake-bite’. Heaven only knows what Mr. Linington might have made of that. There probably wouldn’t have been enough cards and penalties to cope with it!

Silly Billy! Exit stage right, pursued by a badger.

As that mass hallucination cleared from our collective minds, just three minutes of the second half were enough for Fulham coach Slaviša Jokanović to recover from his own torpor and decide that he needed to implement the first player swap of the game. Why do coaches invariably wait those all-important additional three or four minutes, before making a change? Do you know? On came the returning Ryan Fredericks, at Right Back, in a straight swap for the largely ineffective Denis Odoi. There was little reason to suppose that this simple substitution would turn out to be a move of pure genius, nor that it would deliver any significant change in the overall pattern of the game; but we were, in fact, about to witness that oft-cited phenomenon, “A Game of Two Clichés”, as the pendulum of pressure and possession began to swing slowly and inexorably in Fulham’s favour. Finally, the home side started to locate their “A” game.

First, after Aluko was tripped, whilst drifting through, in between Dorrans and Brady, Fulham’s Johansen found the outside top of the side netting from the resulting free-kick, 25 yards out, to desperate groans from the home support. This turned out, however, to represent the first stirrings in the swing of fickle fortune’s fixture barometer. In the 54th minute, following tidy build-up work on the edge of the Norwich box between McDonald, Martin & Johansen, a double deflection helped Chris Martin find the net from the right-hand side of the area for just the second time in a Fulham (or Derby County) league fixture, this season. It’s possible the first deflection was off the hand of Norwich’s Olsson, before a final “ricochet” off Johansen; but it was just as well the ball did finally find the net, to avoid any ambiguity. Since there’s no way on Earth this referee was going to give Fulham a penalty, even if it hadn’t done so. Perhaps we had witnessed another (in)famous football cliché, The Hand of God – and the inadvertent shin of Johansen. The announcer in the ground gave Martin the credit; but the churlish BBC later awarded the goal to Johansen.

Bizarrely, this come-back goal seemed to be the signal for a first group of "fans" to gather up their belongings and start leaving the Neutral Area. Clearly they were NOT admirers of The Beautiful Game, which seemed bizarre. Perhaps they really were just random passers-by after all, who'd wandered in off the Stevenage Road by accident (lured by the apparent promise of pyramids, sacrifice and Egyptology?) ... and who had taken over an hour to realise they were unintentionally attending a football fixture. Unlikely as it may sound, a steady trickle of exit-eers continued for the remainder of the game, despite the raised excitement level around the ground. Spirits were lifted amongst the 'proper' home fans, though. The noise level emanating from the Fulham faithful accordingly went up a notch (though hardly to 11) just as that from their opponents began to falter. Mike and Giles had been right about that clean sheet. They weren’t just being good guests, after all. Now there was only one team looking likely to score again. City’s Naismith replaced the largely ineffective Hoolahan; but to no avail. After 66 minutes, Johansen found Chris Martin free, in far too much space on Norwich’s right, after good, swift build-up play from an intercepted Dorrans pass. Which error was precisely why City’s Right Back had ‘gone missing’. Martin drove in a firm shot past McGovern and his namesake, from 10 yards out, to equalise. Had he now scored a brace in the match, or just one goal? It was mere fuzzy detail. With the scores now level at 2 – 2,

Chris Martin strikes home his second - or was it his first? (Photo: FFC website)

Norwich now remembered, with no time left to lose, that they, too, were allowed to advance with the ball - and with threat. 
In the 80th minute, Button needed to produce a fine, strong, two-handed save from a driven Alex Tetty effort from 20yards out. It was vastly better than an earlier effort by the erratic Ghanaian-Norwegian from similar distance; which had comfortably found Row Z, amongst the visiting fans.

It was still an open contest, even going into stoppage time. Jacob Murphy led a late break-out. The away end thought, to a man, that his low cross had hit Sigurdsson’s arm; but his desperate, defensive dive delivered only a corner. Mr Linington presumably had carefully checked his Norwich penalty cupboard only to find it already bare and over-subscribed. As famous football fan Oscar Wilde might have said:  “to award one penalty may be regarded as a misfortune; to award two looks like carelessness; three would be entirely unacceptable, in polite society”*

Soon, but at the other end, Aluko came close to earning Fulham all three points, when he controlled the ball in the Norwich area only to send his shot narrowly wide. But the end-to-end action still wasn’t over. In the 94th minute, the ball bobbled and bounced bodaciously around the Norwich area like a will o’ the wisp possessed, in a slow-motion, goal-mouth scramble; off knees, thighs and shins. Before finally being kicked desperately away, high into the floodlit night sky, to the accompaniment of the final whistle and a dash for the exits by all concerned.
The Fulham squad finish playing The Stumps Game with Silly Billy (Photo: FFC website)

So, despite a promising half-time score-line for the visitors, Craven Cottage remains a far from happy hunting ground for these high-flying Canaries. To add salt to Norwich’s wounds, Newcastle had secured all three points with a 0-2 win at Barnsley, to go top. The only team ‘The Toon’ have lost to on the road so far this season, being Fulham. Norwich City had then, after all, fared a little better down on the Thames than their title rivals, at least. Meanwhile, Fulham themselves remain within two tantalising points of those glittering play-off places, despite their poor run of recent (home) form. It can be a burden, seeing the future. Before the game, I predicted "a draw is our most likely outcome". A win would, of course, have been better; but, anyway, what's wrong with "a Desmond" (2-2), I ask you? It was a good, entertaining game. Especially so, once Fulham got going - which just seemed to take far too darned long. For most of the 2nd half there was only one side likely to score - and it wasn't the visitors, who didn't truly live up to their top-of-the-table billing. No thumping home win, alas: but no defeat either - and the headline “Former Canary Haunts Travelling Yellows” was duly secured. If only Referee Linington had 'gone missing', Martin's impact on his former club might have been even greater still.

The answers to those other all-important pre-match questions, then, turned out to be:
a)    Yes.
b)    Yes.
c)    No.
d)    Quite a lot.
e)    Yes.

So Norwich City must try yet again to break the 30 year Craven Cottage hoodoo. Will they get another chance next season? They will be hoping not; and no, as suspected, it seems there really is no such thing as a "neutral", after all. Hands up, now; who got all those answers correct?
 

Fulham
Line-up: Button; Odoi (Fredericks 50'), Sigurdsson, Ream, Malone; McDonald (Tunnicliffe 82'), Parker; Lucas Piazon (Matt Smith 90'), Johansen, Sone Aluko; Martin.
Unused substitutes: Bettinelli, Madl, Ryan Sessegnon, Kebano
Manager: Slavisa Jokanovic

Norwich City Line-up: McGovern; Ivo Pinto, Martin, Klose, Olsson; Dorrans, Tettey; Jacob Murphy, Hoolahan (Naismith 63'), Brady (Nélson Oliveira 85'); Jerome.
Unused substitutes: Ruddy, Ryan Bennett, Pritchard, Louis Thompson, Josh Murphy Manager: Alex Neil
Other Real Pharaohs: the Wer(en)-Khafre pyramid - meaning "Khafre is Great". This 4th dynasty Egyptian king of the Old Kingdom, Khafre (Khefren or Chephren) was described by Greek historian Herodotus as a cruel and heretic ruler. Many modern Egyptologists believe that the Great Sphinx was built for Khafre (in c. 2,500 BC).

Culture Vulture Reference
*Paraphrasing Lady Bracknell, in Wilde’s “The Importance of Being Earnest” (Act 1)

Appendices
Referee James Linington is a plumber. In a parallel universe, he says he fancies “a spot on the Fifa list”. If such appointments are based on match-day performance or feedback placed on football-lineups.com, I don’t fancy his chances much. Here are some of the few re-printable fan comments found on that site:
Swansea fan - “a complete joke. Should never officiate games above conference level". (DH: a bit harsh on teams lower down The Pyramid, don't you think?)
Baggies fan - “I was embarrassed at his pitiful performance. Might as well concede the game and save the effort of travelling”. (DH: it might also be cheaper; leaving more time to spend that spare cash on beers from Aldi)
Newcastle fan - “It was too much for Mr Linington … His decisions bordered between bizarre and outrageous … The Football League must be hard up for refs”. (DH: they'll soon be hard-up for fans too, if Linington is allowed to continue on his spree)
Various other fans of unidentified clubs - “As a ref, a complete disgrace; everything that is bad about the game, you should hang your head in shame!”; “OMG what an inept official ... He should be struck off the FA’s list and never referee another game“; “Well Mr. Linington, I hope you can sleep at night”; “After watching your very dismal performance … you should be stripped of your Referee’s badge”. (DH: what, ceremonially? Fans might pay to watch that.)

And what of all the supportive comments?  … there are absolutely none. Even his mother seems to want to remain silent on the matter. If so, she may be the Real Football world's only neutral: http://www.football-lineups.com/referee/1112/

For four minutes of entertaining match highlights, follow this link: http://footballgoals.ovh/index.php/2016/10/19/highlights-fulham-2-2-norwich-city/

Thursday 6 October 2016

Of Football Matches, Maths and Money

Enfield Town vs. Dulwich Hamlet - 3pm k-o

Saturday 1st October, 2016 - Ryman Premier League


After a narrow 2-1 reverse 'on the road' at Champion Hill in August, in just Enfield’s second league fixture of this season (a reverse that, unfortunately, would set a sad trend for Town’s early away form) Saturday’s game would be the first home-and-away fixture completion of the season, for both teams. Which, on the first day of October, again challenges the logic in play within the fixture "computer". Nevertheless - and despite that early away defeat - Enfield fans will have gone into the game full of optimism. The home side lay 3rd in the Home form table; and were unbeaten in their last 4 games in total (3 of them in the league); while Dulwich came into the match with only one win from their last six games. Most of Enfield’s problems lie in their shocking Away record – in the form table for which they lie second from last, with just one point so far, from a possible 15 - rather than in their Home results. Only the Metropolitan Police have worse away league form than Town; and their Chief Commissioner has just resigned, as a result. The Enfield board had better watch out!

Letsby Avenue: Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe's early retirement; rumours of tension with the London Mayor over the Met. Police's football results. Sadiq Khan offers his views on the benefits of 'the pressing game' - Photo: Telegraph on-line.

Dulwich Hamlet are the league’s best-supported team, at home; but their travel-shy fans only rank 10th ‘on the road’ (ETFC rank 8th & 6th, respectively). The day’s crowd turns out to be a disappointing 467, mainly because of Hamlet’s comparatively poor away attendance. I counted about 40 fans in the away end – although officials from the visiting club will care little, since away crowds raise no revenue for Ryman League visitors … and “butter no parsnips”. Despite the low away turn-out, this will still probably turn out to be Enfield’s highest league gate of the season, by some margin; and they are already out of the FA Cup. If so, Town must budget their finances based upon income from a maximum league gate of less than 500 souls; and a current season’s average attendance of just 357. While Hamlet can, by comparison, budget more lavishly for spend based on an average gate of over 900 – with a maximum to date, this season, of over 1,200. That is a mighty differential in finances for a club to cope and compete with, in terms of gate receipts; but we Brits do like an underdog ... or so I’m told.

A Football Mass Murder Mystery? Dulwich's disappearing fans: now you see them (1,200 at home) - now you don't (c. 40 away)!

This Holy Trinity ("football, maths and money") have featured heavily in news of the England manager's role, of late. We are routinely told the common place these days that football is just another business, with big money at its heart.  Is it any wonder, then, that there is a slowly growing movement "Against Modern Football", if this is all the game stands for, now? And when some of those at the very top of the game no longer have enough fingers, toes and common sense to know when they are already well enough off?
A recently popular internet 'meme', featuring the former Fat Sam.

Following on from these financial musings, it will probably come as little surprise to hardened fans of The Beautiful Game to find that four of the top eight teams in the Ryman Premier League – a list which currently excludes both Dulwich and Enfield - are also amongst the 6  best supported clubs. Earnings talk on the pitch, it seems; and perhaps that is only right and fitting. Although it does make Bournemouth AFC’s recent achievements in reaching the Premier League seem “inconceivable!”

"... football these days is the opium of the people... Its icon is the impeccably Tory, slavishly conformist Beckham. The Reds are no longer the Bolsheviks. Nobody serious about political change can shirk the fact that the game has to be abolished. And any political outfit that tried it on would have about as much chance of power as the chief executive of BP has in taking over from Oprah Winfrey" - Terry Eagleton ("prominent British literary theorist, critic and public intellectual") in 2011, shortly after BP's massively damaging Deepwater Horizon oil spill and its massively damaging PR fall-out. Once again, poor old football is used as a political, errrm ... football.
 
Now let's get off this 'soap box' and back to the match-day action! I arrived a little later than planned at the Queen Elizabeth II Stadium. So it was fairly predictable that referee Mr. Damith Bandara chose today, of all days, to whistle up an early kick-off. As a predictable result, just after I had passed through the turnstile, a huge roar greeted the first score of the game; and Harry Ottaway’s name was trumpeted through the PA system. Enfield had taken an early 1-0 lead; apparently from a “coolly slotted shot into the bottom corner of the net”. The delight of Town fans was audible - though not yet visible - to me. In fact, a part of me already hoped that I had just missed the only goal of the game. Only a part of me, mind (and I hardly dare tell you which part) which turned out to be just as well.
Not content with scoring that first, early goal, Harry Ottaway (#10, in white) spent the afternoon competing gamely for every aerial ball ... of which there were many!

Perhaps there really is no bad time to score a goal; but the first minute of a match may well be the very least good time. It gives the opposition the optimal opportunity to regroup, recover and relaunch into Plan B; or maybe to just try a little harder at Plan A? Which Dulwich duly did. Enfield's lead had lasted barely more than half an hour. In the 33rd minute, Hamlet's #9 Danny Carr was left unmarked at a cross, to steer a header back across Nathan McDonald from the right of goal and into the left-hand side of the net. It was a goal that been coming for some time. Dulwich's possession and increasing dominance had made Town's 1-0 advantage look too slender. We entered the break with both sides level; but with momentum firmly behind the visitors.

Exciting first half action, in front of the QEII stadium's main stand.

During the interval, Enfield demonstrated how distant they are as a club from Modern Football, by holding an award ceremony for the Enfield Town FC International Trophy. Several games had been played earlier that day by two of the club's teams with learning disabilities, against visiting sides from Germany and Norway. Medals and trophies were awarded by the mayor of Enfield in front of a warm and appreciative crowd.
Home fans "enjoying" the second half action, in the poetically and elegantly named "Property Agents Limited" stand; but where's Preston?

With community development ceremonies duly performed, we were off and running into the second half; during which Enfield's First XI would ensure and endure a mare of a different kind, demonstrating their own level of learning disability. The only half-time change had been Enfield's introduction of Neita for Dickson. With a warm, Autumn sun shining benevolently down, and before the hour mark had been reached, Town conceded a soft penalty, for an offence which nobody (apart from those in blue and pink scarves - plus the referee and his assistant) thought had occurred inside the penalty area. The kick was duly converted, after a short delay, by Dulwich's Ashley Carew. Scoreline: 1-2; and that early Enfield lead was now just  a distant memory.

That go-ahead goal came just a few minutes after Hamlet's CB, #5 Matt Drage, had been shown a yellow card for a two-footed lunge on Town's Dernell Wynter. Any other referee might have shown a straight red, despite the lack of meaningful contact. Certainly, to a man, the Enfield supporters would have gladly waved a red card in his boisterously combative face. It is unlikely that Hamlet could have maintained their forward pressure, had they thus been reduced to 10 men. From the resulting Enfield free-kick, skipper Mark Kirby had caused confusion and a scramble in the Dulwich 6-yard box, with an enticing downward header; but Ottaway & Wynter were both, in turn, unable to capitalise on the opportunity arising.

Soon after the Dulwich penalty, Enfield made a double substitution. Parcell & Wynter were replaced by Campbell and Mendy on 66 minutes. Would they have enough time to make a positive impact on the game? Well, not really; but, luckily, that earlier substitute (Neita) did have enough time. In the 80th minute it was he who earned the second penalty kick of the match. He was brought down (clearly inside the box, this time!) by the visitors' skipper, Mark Weatherstone - who was eventually booked for his aggravating, rumbling protest, before Billy Crook finally stepped up confidently to put the ball ...
Enfield #6, Billy Crook takes the all-important penalty.

to Preston Edwards' left - and into the bottom corner of the net, to level the scores again: 2-2. 

One point is better than none, of course; but three points are better still, by far. For long  periods, Hamlet had looked the more organised and confident side, belying the recent form 'book'. Town's forwards and midfield had pressed as individuals, on occasion; but rarely en masse, or consistently enough to discomfort the Dulwich defensive unit. They have clearly not learned their lesson about the potential benefits of the 'high pressing game' from Match of the Day post-match analysis, yet. Nor from Citizen Khan. Suddenly, and at long last, it was Town's players once again exuding all the confidence and energy on display. Perhaps for the first time since the opening quarter of an hour.


"Photograph": Ed Sheeran ran the line thirstily and in light disguise. Here he earnestly helps to oversee the closing minutes of the game, in his "Shirtsleeves", watching "All of the Stars" - and, perhaps, thinking "Don't".

There was still plenty of excitement for the home crowd and "Ed" to savour, as Enfield enjoyed much the better of the closing exchanges. The best chance fell to Tony Mendy, shortly after the penalty; but he could only lob tamely when through with just the 'keeper, at the edge of his area, to beat. Preston breathed an almost audible, deep sigh of relief. It was a game that had swung first one way and then to the other cliché. A 2-2 draw and a point each was probably just a bout fair, on reflection; but Enfield could so easily have secured all three. They remain unbeaten at home, though; which could be a big psychological advantage for the club to build upon. If only they could now just get their away form sorted out.

Meanwhile, in international football news, FIFA has shocked the world by adopting a cheaper 5-star hotel in Zurich for its latest shin-dig than its former home-away-from-home, the now-infamous, and ever-so-luxurious Baur au Lac hotel. Fans of The Beautiful Game need not worry, though. No money will be saved; because the group invited to attend has risen from 24 (the old discredited FIFA executive committee)  to a new, extended, soon-to-be-discredited group of 36. Much as Sepp's love-child, Gianni Infantino, now plans to extend participation in the World Cup finals (TM) to 48 teams. At a time when the Finals are already an over-bloated, logistical nightmare, do you think this planned extension could possibly be anything to do with income (i.e. money), by any chance? (see: https://www.theguardian.com/football/2016/oct/05/fifa-hotel-baur-au-lac-move-zurich-raid)

Enfield Town:
Nathan McDonald, Percy Kiangebeni, Ricky Gabriel, Jon Muleba, Mark Kirby, Billy Crook, Mickey Parcell (Tyler Campbell 66), Samir Bihmoutine, Keir Dickson (Nigel Neita 46),Harry Ottaway, Dernell Wynter (Tony Mendy 66). Unused: Jordan Lockie, Tom Collins. Booked: McDonald, Kiangebeni.

Dulwich Hamlet:
Preston Edwards, Sanchez Ming, Nathan Green, Kenny Beaney, Matt Drage, Marc Weatherstone, Nyren Clunis, Ashley Carew, Daniel Carr (Alex Teniola 59), Gavin Tomlin (Kadell Daniel 75) Ibra Sekaja. Unused: Kevin James, Michael Chambers, Sean Mason. Booked: Beaney, Drage, Weatherstone.

Saturday 1 October 2016

“Art Is Like Football … It’s Meaningless, You Know”*


Fulham FC vs. Bristol City - 3pm k-o

Saturday 24th September, 2016 - The Championship



A controversial opening gambit, you think? I should say so! Although I have taken the above title quote about “Context” (deliberately) out of ... errrrm, context; in order to achieve a certain degree of shock and awe. Or - something.

Today (Saturday 1st October) is the start of a new month; and the unofficial start of my Autumn calendar. So it represents a good opportunity to try and forget last month. Or, at least, last month’s football. Later on, I plan to pick up the baton of my non-league football blog, when Enfield Town host Dulwich Hamlet at 3pm. That promises to be one of the prime fixtures of the Ryman Isthmian Premier League season. In a week that saw “Fat Sam” impale himself on the twin peaks of greed and stupidity (allegedly) - and given Gareth Southgate’s well-publicised aversion to taking on the role permanently - I thought it would also be a good opportunity to run the rule over Bradley Quinton’s credentials to replace Sam in “The Top Job” … and/or, possibly, in front the FA’s disciplinary board. Before that, however, there is the small matter of a Championship match to report on, from Craven Cottage. A game played the day after the last action in the English county cricket season.

It is one of the many, myriad, murky mysteries of the football fan’s fickle fate to ponder just why the “fixture computer” so often throws up random cup games which repeat recent or forthcoming match-ups. Swansea recently played Manchester City in back-to-back cup and league fixtures; Newcastle and Wolves also played déjà vu; and so it was that Fulham faced Bristol City last Saturday in the English second tier last weekend, just three days after throwing away a mid-week lead, a penalty-kick and a place in the last 16 of the EFL Cup against the same opponents … and no, I don’t know what that tournament is, either. So just don’t ask!
In that previous game, league top-scorer Tammy Abraham (on-loan from Fulham’s arriviste, West London rivals, Chelsea) came on as a substitute to score a last-minute winner, which took the scrumpy boys into seventh heaven – and the fourth round. After that defeat, Fulham manager Slaviša Jokanović had set about the task of stating the bleedin’ obvious, with gusto: "You have to play from the first minute to the last in all the games”, before going on to bleat that “We played many minutes of good football and … played very well in the first half" (see: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/37357714). Would the Serbian and his team learn the harsh lessons of 90-minute football - and do better, this time out? Surely they couldn’t make the same mistakes again … could they?
No empty stomachs, here - and no David Bailey's amongst the security staff, either. Somewhere behind us is the oldest stand in the football league - and a game of football.

Luck seemed to fall into place on a couple of fronts, before Saturday’s game. Firstly, friend John P was unable to use his Riverside Stand season tickets on the day – which was good news for me, after I had earlier been offered some seats right down the front of the Hammersmith End, by friend Graham M (thanks anyway, Graham!). Then friend Jez C from Chelmsford was available and coincidentally already planning to be in London, at a loose end for the afternoon. He was, thus, able to join me for one of the day’s big grudge re-matches. We were a little pressed for time, after watching Jez’s daughter complete a lunch-time, open-water one mile swim in The Serpentine, at Hyde Park (well done, Holly!). After which, despite the best efforts of the dyslexic District line and the churlish Circle Line, we made it to the ground with time enough on our hands for a stroll through Bishop’s Park in the warm, afternoon sunshine; to be followed by a quick beer and a bite to eat, in The Chairman’s Club lounge. Which turned out to be just as well, since the fare on offer on the pitch was not best enjoyed on an empty stomach.

Fulham started brightly enough; but it soon became clear that, with the exception of club captain Scott Parker, in central midfield, few of their players could string three passes together – or make the right decisions, going forwards. This can be a problem, apparently, if you are hoping to win a football match. Almost without exception, everybody preferred to check inside or turn backwards, rather than press forwards with pace, or spread play wide quickly, when in possession. The result of which was a comparatively comfortable opening ten minutes for the Bristol defence. The visitors were content to sit back and soak up Fulham’s inept possession; but not for very long. After just 10 minutes “I.T.M.A.” came into play (yes, “It’s That Man Again”). Tammy Abraham (starting the game this time, rather than arriving fresh from the bench, as he had done so successfully, in mid-week) opened the scoring at the denouement of pretty much Bristol's first fast break (it was not to be their last) following a mis-placed pass by Fulham’s  defensive midfielder, MacDonald. This came just as the Whites were, themselves, stepping out and preparing to launch an attack of their own. As a result, when Bristol came a-calling, there was almost nobody home. Abraham finished neatly, but routinely, past Button from a low, driven Jamie Paterson cross. Oh Grandma Tammy, what big feet you’ve got. All the better to score against you with!

Abraham celebrates his opening goal. So lanky, he can't be contained within the frame of an enlarged photgraph.
I won’t bore you here with all the gory details of a blow-by-blow match commentary. Suffice it to say that there were plenty more blows to come (see: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/37392283). Fulham huffed and puffed but couldn’t have blown anybody’s house down. They could easily have reached the half-time break already down by several goals. Mysteriously, Parker (along with “teenage sensation” Sessegnon, one of the few players on the pitch capable of matching Bristol’s endeavour and control) was substituted at half-time. His replacement, Stefan Johansen spent the second half looking for all the world like a man ambling around the Tate gallery, without a floor map, while his opponents got on with the business of securing three league points. Johansen was a strange swap, if made was “for tactical reasons”.

Look closely enough and you will see Jez & I "enjoying"(?) the first-half action.

Jez and I enjoyed the spectacle from the best seats in the house, thanks to Generous John; but it was bewildering to watch Fulham continually make the wrong decisions, when in possession. Almost Jozabed’s first contribution, after coming on as a 66th minute substitute, with his side already 0-2 down, was to intercept a Bristol pass - only to inadvertently set-up the visitors’ third goal. It summed up inadvertent Fulham’s day. Later, and with only 11 minutes of normal remaining, referee Peter Bankes decided a three-goal cushion might not be enough for City. So he showed Fulham’s bemused and outclassed MacDonald a straight red card, for an innocuous challenge (indeed, barely a challenge at all) on Callum O'Dowda. Unsurprisingly, Bristol subsequently stretched their lead to four goals, even as 10-man Fulham continued to enjoy the majority (63%) of blunt possession. The Whites managed just two on-target attempts (and a strike of the woodwork) to show for it all. At full-time, with much of the home crowd already well on their way to the nearby tube stations, the score-line stood at an embarrassing 0-4. A result which made Wednesday night’s unwanted turn-around defeat look like a tactical masterclass, by comparison. Two worsening defeats in just 3 days, against the same opposition club; but, to be fair, Swansea had fared little better, against Manchester City in their re-maych. Later, I found out that Bristol City's head coach, Lee Johnson, comes from a family who "are very strong Fulham fans". Despite that, his team had, quite rightly, showed no mercy.

Meanwhile, Dulwich has a fine art gallery, you know. Opened to the public in 1817 in a building designed by Sir John Sloane, it is the oldest public art gallery in England. I am hopeful that an Enfield game against the hamlet’s local football side won’t prove to be as entirely “meaningless” as the art contained within said gallery - and within the Fulham squad. Come On, You Towners!

*Culture-Vulture reference: an earth-shattering admission by Simon Wilson (former Tate Gallery Education Officer – and later one of their curators) in “Bricks!”, a BBC Four arts documentary, filmed and broadcast forty years on from the accidental infamy and furore created around Carl Andre's pile-of-bricks sculpture, expensively acquired by London’s Tate Gallery in 1976. You MUST remember all of THAT, surely? To be fair to Wilson, he did add the caveat “if you don’t know the rules … you need to know the context”; and that is a pretty fair summary. Perhaps coach Jokanović and his Fulham players could do with brushing up on those (football) rules and context?
Wilson's fellow contributor to the same arts show (Matthew Collings, described as a “Writer and Artist”) added: “Even Renaissance art isn’t really accessible to everybody, immediately. It’s a pretty difficult thing to know what all those symbols are”. Admittedly, he did then go on to add that, without context, if you’re not interested in having your mind expanded by provocative art, “it feels much better to want to punch it”. And now I’m starting to feel warmer towards that supposed link between fine art and football fandom. Especially after a couple of pre-match pints. Do you think art fans fuel up on pre-gallery pints, too?