And from The Sublime…… to The Ridiculous?
The Premier League
Fulham F.C. vs. Manchester United
Sunday 24th August 2025, kick-off: 4.30pm
Attendance: not published - c. 28,000?
Venue: Craven Cottage.
Regular
readers will already be aware that your Fabulous Football Pharaoh is accustomed to the finer things in
life. [And non-regulars could probably have assumed it, too.] As is his unchallenged,
sole male heir, also.
It should, therefore, come as little surprise to hear that we were both in
attendance for Fulham F.C.’s latest contretemps with the self-appointed Best
Football Club in the World, this weekend. And that we did so in style, by
attending the newly appointed “Sky Deck” lounge, in the club’s now fully
functioning newest stand, The Riverside (official grand opening, May 2025). It’s
rather unimaginatively named, given that it runs along the side of London’s
mighty River Thames (🎵 “I live by the river…” 🎵) and uses premium river views as a dreamily distracting design concept - and a pre-match contrast to its pitch-facing views.
It sits proudly opposite English professional football’s oldest stand, the
Johnny Haynes (1905, formerly the Stevenage Road stand). With its quaint wooden
seats and early 20th century amenities. U.S. visitors have been known to liken it to elements of Boston's Fenway Park; one of just two remaining "jewel box" ballparks still in use in Major League Baseball, along with Chicago's Wrigley Field.
The contrasting, ultra-sleek, ultra-modern Riverside
Sky Deck is so named because… well, because it reaches almost to the clouds,
like a veritable, modern-day Tower of Babel, awaiting the smiting, jealous hand of god, etc.
as FFC’s rather appropriately-named owners, The Khans, might say.
Attending proceedings that day (and the next day, elsewhere – see below) gave me a nudge and permission to make some observations about the different business models emerging across The Pyramid. So let’s start at the very top.
There’s been significant coverage recently of the “fact”(?) that Fulham now boasts the dubious honour of offering its fans “the most expensive season tickets in the EPL”. And, therefore, by extension – in the world!? Although, as ever, that assertion depends entirely on exactly what it is you’re measuring, of course. And what your agenda might be.
‘Season tickets in Fulham's Riverside Stand can already cost up to £3,000 - the highest in the league - and a new eight-tier hospitality section… offering Michelin-star inspired menus, rooftop pool access on the three-floor 'Sky Deck', sweeping views across the River Thames and London, plus the best halfway-line seats.’ See: https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/articles/cx272pe5154o.
Quite rightly, it was in these most super-premium seats that the current Pharaoh and his future successor were to be suitably ensconced, in unrivalled luxury, for the duration. Just right for watching 22x lads kick around a sack of air, in the day’s Premier League action. I did even go so far as to look for Imperial Leather soap in the bathrooms, on your behalf. But, perhaps surprisingly (at least for readers of “a certain age”) to no avail.
Thanks to my generous, season ticket holding buddy, John (who was unavoidably out of town) Cal and I were able to experience what life is now like at the very pinnacle of hospitality in English football’s “Pyramid” structure.
To summarise, the view is great (see below). Whilst the wide range of food and drink options are also most acceptable, even to those of us with the finest and fussiest of tastes.
The pre-match and half-time menus were, indeed, in Michelin-star style - and of similar quality. While the Skyline’s river views are unmatched in English football.
Indeed, more or less “whatever you desire” – as the watch-word of L.A. Confidential’s famous (fictional) Fleur-de-Lis club once had it.
… oh, and the club also provides a match programme, too.
I was, almost inevitably, lured into suitably Pharaonic song, by all of this. Even before kick-off:
🎶 “I've come across the desert
To greet you
with a smile.
My camel
looks so tired, 🐫
It's hardly
worth my while
To tell you
of my travels
Across the
golden East. 🌄
I see your
preparations
Invite me,
first, to feast.
… dreams are
made of this.” 🎶
Just don’t ask for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, if you wish
to avoid late-afternoon disappointment. Small sacrifices!
We did some
early, mandatory, “celebrity” spotting. Saint Gary of Lineker was there, for instance;
plus, entirely separately, mistress Tabitha Willett and entourage, were all in
attendance. The latter, apparently, is a wannabee who was made in Chelsea. At
least I think Cal said “made”.
Arriving fashionably early, two hours before kick-off, in order to optimise our "match-day experience" and refresh ourselves after an arduous journey, we would later take a leisurely, pre-match lunch (strangely timed as a result of SKY TV’s need for a 4.30pm kick-off) whilst seated at the table next to a proud mother. That of Fulham FC’s latest emerging talent: young midfield tyro, Josh King, who has now left the Academy far behind him, in his turbulent wake.
She was, presumably, celebrating her son’s recently renewed and lucrative club contract, amongst other things. But was far too polite to mention it. He had, notably, been voted the Fulham fans’ Man of the Match in the club’s opening day draw, away at Brighton.
As she left her table, she summarised her hopes for the day: that Fulham would not lose, and that her son would play well. One assumes she meant undaunted by his sudden, stellar trajectory. I congratulated her on her rising star. A lovely lady for whom, surely, good things are due. And don’t call me surely!
The Riverside
is a key element in the Khan’s emerging business model for Fulham F.C. But
don’t take MY word for it. Here’s the BBC’s Nizaar Kinsella on all this: “Fulham's
'world class' Riverside fan experience is the Premier League's relentless march
towards monetising the matchday experience.”
Although I note that the BEEB describes him as their ‘Football news reporter,
with specific responsibility for covering Chelsea’. So he may have simply got
lost, on his way to visiting our nuisance neighbours – or been informed by some
personal agenda on this matter. We will be making the short trip up the road to
them on Saturday.
But let’s move on to more directly footballing matters. Interestingly, in his
pre-match programme notes, manager Marco Silva presciently identified that
Fulham’s recent games against The Red Devils ‘have been tight and settled by
small details’. It’s unlikely, however, that he foresaw those would almost
entirely be decisive small VAR details. I will not bore you with a blow-by-blow
match summary. You can find plenty of those elsewhere. Although I wouldn't recommend CNN's "expert"(?) coverage (see image below). If Yoro is Bassey's team-mate, that might help to explain why no foul was awarded, for the former's blatant two-handed push in the back on him.
It sufficeth, I think, merely to draw some big picture conclusions. But Josh King's Mum got at least one of her two wishes:
1) The application of VAR is an absolute mess. And, for “smaller clubs”, a lottery with predictable outcomes. Making the word "lottery" a generous description. Given that its decisions are so seemingly completely biased to The Big Clubs. And Sunday’s visitors.
2) Manchester United are a nervous side. With much to be nervous about.
Although Cunha looks to have the makings of a decent acquisition, if Amorim doesn't ruin him, first.
When the sad time eventually comes to pass, that Callum takes over his rightful mantle from me as
The Fabulous Football Pharaoh, he will be the first Spurs fan to take on that
hot seat. Assuming he still IS a Spurs fan, by the time that dismal day comes around, of
course.
Yes, whisper it, Fulham is only his “second team”. And that despite everything
I did to help him see the clear light of day and behave in the manner of an
all-knowing, all-powerful ruler.
His first ever match having been Norwich City vs. FFC (0 - 1, on 28 Aug 2000, when
he was aged not yet quite 7 and almost exactly 25 years ago to the day). In the days when
Fulham were making their way up The Pyramid under the ownership of an allegedly
habitual sex offender. So Cal ought, by rights and by traditional football lore,
to be either a Fulham or a Norwich fan. But Gen. Y will insist on having things
their own strange way.
By coincidence (or not?) he would later go on to study History at UEA, in
Norwich. Like some sort of misguided and delayed homing pigeon.
His Spurs connection is interesting, on this occasion, partly because we found
ourselves sitting next to another Spurs fan. He was there with his
Fulham-supporting buddy. That seemed a little odd. But much less so than the large
number of United fans who were comfortably (and expensively) ensconced in The
Riverside.
It is, one assumes, in the nature of ultra-premium hospitality that such
tickets must be sold. No matter to whom. In order to optimise revenue. Or, at
the very least, to reduce the loss-making risk on the day versus the club’s investment / required
outlay.
Fulham fans’ views on all this premiumisation vary. From the self-focussed and
parochial, to those with a rather better-informed view of The Bigger Picture.
I’ve lifted one example of the latter from a fan Facebook post (25/8/25):
‘Who cares if visiting supporters or “ tourists “ come and watch the matches?
It’s better than having empty seats and supports the club financially. Which in
turn helps the club meet the financial fair play requirements, so it can
(eventually ) invest in new players.’ Quite so, Lee!
Back down to Earth and camel-less, Cal and I wound our weary way back up the Thames path after the game, in the lowering light. Suitably "refreshed", and mulling over what might have been, if only a referee from Manchester hadn't been appointed to officiate the match. Again!
A few days later, in mid-meeting, a United-supporting client asked me for my objective view of that result. I told him, as wisely as ever, that the Pharaoh couldn’t possibly offer an objective and unbiased view. But that a neutral fan might have said the score-line was a fair reflection, despite the egregious errors perpetrated by the referee and his VAR colleagues. I'm not in the business of losing business, after all.
Meanwhile, objective official match statistics showed a slightly different story. With Fulham ahead on: “Expected Goals” (whatever they are?!); overall possession; shots; shots on target; touches inside the opposition’s box; corners; one-on-one attempts; offsides; total passes; pass accuracy; forward passes; successful final third passes; crosses; and won tackle %.
While United led on shots off target (including one memorable penalty miss); long balls; total tackles; total clearances; clearances off the line – oh, and on those all-important VAR decisions (2-0). All of which hardly amounts to “Total Football”, nor match dominance.
You can probably make your own call about the balance of the game, based on all
of that data. Regardless of what slant the BBC’s TV highlights package might otherwise have had you believe.
The next day, I awoke with a surprisingly clear head – albeit with a sore
throat. I signed myself off fit for duty, and for a second game in less than 24
hours. This time at the arguably rather appropriately-named Donkey Lane. Where early
season strugglers, Enfield Town, would take on newly-promoted AFC Totton, in
the Enterprise National League South. That’s tier 6 of my "Pyramid". Providing something of a contrast to yesterday's glittering experience.
The Enterprise National League South
Enfield Town vs. AFC Totton
Monday 25th August 2025, kick-off: 3pm
Attendance: 878
Venue: The Dave Bryant (formerly Queen Elizabeth II) Stadium, Donkey Lane.
Match-day tickets were £15, if bought in advance. As the club website says, ETFC refreshment options offer (though, sadly, NOT included in that entry price) ‘three sources of food or drink:
Come N Go Souvlaki
and WhiteBox Catering… have a food hatch next to to the turnstiles which serves
a variety of hot foods plus matchday specials, as well as tea, coffee etc.
Butler’s Bar, serves a range of lagers and ciders, and a regularly changing selection of ales from local breweries; also serves rolls etc. On busier matchdays, the main stand’s serving hatch also opens to serve as a bar facility
The Club Shop, which provides soft drinks, confectionery etc.’
Notice that afternoon tea IS served. So, in some ways, their catering offer is
superior to that of Craven Cottage's Skyline Lounge. And yet the business model is entirely different. No
US-Indian multi-billionaire Sugar-Daddy to bail us out. And we wouldn’t want one! Instead, the club
is 100% fan-owned. The first club in the country to adopt this model. Although
others have since followed suit.
All matters, both on and off the field of play, therefore, have to be fully-financed
by profits generated from revenue. Which is tough. But fully sustainable. And
made a little easier after narrowly surviving (on the last day of the season) a
first year operating “at this level”.
Again, I won't bore you with a full match report. The club’s own coverage is
available here (far be it from me to duplicate effort!): https://etfc.london/town-fire-blanks-again/
My Big
Picture view? That age-old cliché, “a game of two halves”. Town had the ball in the
back of the net twice in the first half. But the refereeing gods were against
us. At half-time I heard one home fan grumble they’d “gone 6 hours without a
goal”. It seemed like an exaggeration. My own detailed calculations made it only c. 5.5 hours. But they may have been rounding up. And they had certainly, assiduously identified
Town’s current Achilles Heel: not enough finishing power.
You can rely on good shape discipline and sturdy defending only for so long, if you’re not banging them in up front. Only until c. the 89th minute to be precise, as it turned out. When an uncharacteristic GK handling error led to the only goal of the game. Predictably, it was for the visitors. Leaving Town in familiar league table territory, with little risk of vertigo.
and already fairly scary reading.
Town do look more solid than at this time last season, with a stronger squad. But we're really not enjoying the Rub of the Green. Yet! Though they often say you make your own luck, in this game.
Though I suspect that's only true in the top flight if you DON’T have crooked VAR on your side. Plus Gazillions of dollars to fritter away, like confetti. Like some newer and less well-established clubs one could mention...
An artist's impression of Fulham's
noisy neighbour's squad bus.
